The Hesitant Scribe

It's all about the people...

2009-02-06T15:31:00.001Z

Lisa always told us 'it's all about the people', and that's why I, along with N and F are sat here composing what will be the final entry on Lisa's blog.

So it's time for me (aka Hubby) to tell you (the people) that yesterday afternoon, just before 3pm, Lisa passed away peacefully at home.

Those of you who have followed this blog will have witnessed Lisa's courage and strength over the past year or so. It is that courage, strength and well, sheer bloody mindedness that has driven her to excel at everything she turned her hand to during her life.

Since Lisa's passing, I have received many, many facebook comments, emails, cards and letters and I'm sure there will be many more 'whispers in the ether' - telling me of the wonderful experiences people have shared over the years and how their lives have been touched by Lisa.

I for one feel so, so lucky to have had almost twelve wonderful years with her, and words cannot express the emptiness I feel right now. My life and that of our two children changed forever yesterday and I know that memories of times past will help fill the void.

So it's time for me to sign off and put the kettle on and have a nice cup of tea.

That's all folks!

Nigel

Time-Saving Devices!

2009-01-29T17:03:00.001Z

A wonderfully thoughtful friend bought me a Dictaphone so I can hold a sleek shiny device in my hand, lay back and look like (maybe not look like exactly) Barbara Cartland, while I proliferate my writing en-mass into the world without the need for the usual taxing manner of pen and paper. It's good for up to 17 hours playback time apparently (Beloved by Toni Morrison, only took me 8 hrs to read aloud!), but sadly the product guarantee "does not cover the product [for what, exactly?!] where the fault is due to misuse, abuse, use in contravention of the instructions, [etc...]."

But said Dictaphone may be in danger of being too complicated for it's own good.... I'm already having urges of killing it after what feels like 3 hours but is probably only 5 mins, so have just roped poor S into trying to figure it out. (T, now you know what your next task for me is, ha ha!). S has left and now we're still non-the-wiser, so kids have got it now lol. Let's see how far they get...

Health wise, I'm still losing weight, so the agenda has changed from trying to get my body all alkaline, to just trying to get it to take on weight and build muscle again. My dad is running round like a lunatic trying to get a palatable menu together for me, while mum is tapping her EFT silently in her arm chair - I can see it all now, where would I be without them?! God I love my parents soo much! I hope they know that - really really know that. Any way I've had to tell dad that there'll be no Lisa to alkalinise soon, but given that I'm ravenous, eating isn't an issue at all, and am pleased to report that normal pees and poohs, burps and farts are at last returning! You may well laugh, but I was getting worried!!! I have blurred vision still, but no pain at all, no nausea, and no sweats - whatever happened to those I wonder?!! - sleeping well, despite a bit of a late-night panic attack caused by a thick phlegm ( loverly, sorry) that threatened to drown me :( Enough moans for one day I guess. Take it easy and writers.... write!

Still being a naughty girl!

2009-01-28T15:37:00.001Z

You see, you are never too ill to be naughty and yesterday is living proof of that. Okay... so I didn't murder anyone, but I did go to Mac Donalds for a chocolate milkshake, for which Doctor Young (remember the PH diet?) would have me hung, drawn and quartered. Today I am behaving myself again, eating properly and trying to keep my system alkaline.

The visitors keep coming, which is lovely and I'm not knocking it, but I am getting really knackered now. Sometimes I feel as though I'm being killed with kindness.

There's so much I want to say, I hardly know where to start. I'm conscious that poor F is in the kitchen while I'm sitting here dictating to poor J (F should be safe enough with hubby in the kitchen, though, jejejejeje).

At least my skin is in better shape than it ever has been, what with all these lovely skin creams - do keep them coming! - I had a shower last night, followed by being slavered in Molton Brown body souffle. It was hard work, what with all this bloody muscle wastage an 'all, but I did it, and felt soo luverly afterwards!

Haven't read anymore of the Seagull book yet, but did watch Lost! I tell you, I thought I was going completely mad watching that! It was like, is it the morphine?! And wtf did they do to America's Next Top Model aka ANTM? It went all futuristic (silver hair for the 2 Js no less. It was quite good, mind) I loved watching it with my Big' un. A little bit of normality with the kids is important I think, especially with nurses passing by the house twice a day, every day.

N.B. The nurses have all been, without fail, lovely/friendly/kind/efficient/accommodating/etc. and, unusually for me, I'll swallow any buts!!!

Note to any one recently diagnosed, start with the diets today! Don't leave it until you are throwing everything back up, oh, and start the visualisation and keep it going! I only say this because it does get more difficult to concentrate!!! (Or is that my female 'butterfly' mind perhaps, that flits and floats - and always did, regardless of morphine/meds/etc.)

I still awaken every morning, with an ongoing narrative, telling me what to type here on the blog though. The old mind is alive with thoughts of love, success, health, and someone - would you believe?! contacted me through facebook, to say how angry they were about my tumour/condition etc! I don't want to sound all cliched here, but I do truly believe that my illness is a lot to do with forgiving myself and other people... indeed when I first had acupuncture, the Chinese Lady told me not to get angry with it. I'm not angry at all. Really. And not even trying to be all goody-two-shoes either! I heard it said, early on: 1-in-3: why not me?!!!

So, all that spiritual work I meant to do on myself as a screwed up, lost teenager, is being done now...earlier, as I staggered down to the end of the garden reciting, "I can, I can, I can!" The I-Ching says I'll be fine if I do the work, and it's always been right so far!!!

More tomorrow! xxxxxxxxx

Still getting out of bed unassisted!

2009-01-26T15:23:00.001Z

... but I must admit it isn't easy - though I just made it to the end of the garden again without throwing up/falling over/crashing into anything/etc., (ahem... where's me medal?!). My vision is blurry, and cannot think how to clear that - other than to get people to type for me!!! I'm truly disappointed that I never made it to the riding school this morning, but there'll be other days where I'll be fitter and can enjoy it more (ha ha!).

My best friend, Desi, from Spain came over on Friday evening, from Mijas Costa. Only she could miss her flight (etc.,) ! She phoned us in hysterics from Malaga airport on Thursday having had her usual dramatics, "bu I-I'm here in time" (20 minutes before departure) "

No love that's late!

To cut a long story short she arrived safely a day later but still had to leave on Sunday morning. We didn't have much time together, but it was quality time... a Spanish lesson or two was knackering. It was lovely to think about all those times in the past that are responsible for the novel I am now writing, and I am looking forward to her being able to come over and see me again, determined as I am, to live that long.

The house here has been chaotic, I hardly know what I have done to deserve all this attention. Ha ha! (I keep trying to remind myself that people would visit anyway even if it were an ordinary dose of flu - yeah right!) And not just because it's the big C.

(Can you believe this? Hubby and I are actually arguing over blog now which I think is a fabulous sign of health!)

I'm sure Julia Darling didn't have this problem.

Please forgive me, but I've lost a whole load of days on the blog again due to loads of scrumptious visitors.

Saturday - Desi here all day. Did some Reiki. My supervisor came from college with her husband, it was lovely (thank you for the poppy cake). We talked about lots of secret writerly stuff - but all a bit Top Secrety still so can't talk about yet.

Sunday - Walked to end of garden again, still eating, still throwing it back up. Couple of unexpected visitors and got quite knackered at one point.

Monday - Spending today with Hubby. We did our wedding albums which I think is quite good going after only nearly ten years of marriage! But in typical fashion when hubby got everything out, he discovered that I'd already done it. Oops! I never realised just how organised I was/am.

The main problem I'm having at the moment is trying to see straight because something insists on making my vision blurry! This makes me quite tired but anyway...somebody sent me 'Jonathan Livingstone Seagull' by Richard Bach. Isn't the Universe a funny place! People have been telling me to read this book for the last year and now that my eyes are blurry, the bloody thing arrives through the post, but I've read to page 24 and decided it could be a book about becoming a writer. Why on earth didn't I give more validity to my writing all the way through? Why has it taken this to make me see that our, i.e. women's life writing, does matter?! I think the French are calling it 'autofiction' (?) but it's basically about using your life in your fiction, which is what I've always done. Hoorah! Does this mean I've been ahead of my time LOL, or does it just mean I've got no imagination. In my defence it could just be about the way of saying things and seeing as I adore words, surely they should matter too. Read the seagull book and take up flying! I dare you to find the time.

A little word about procrastination, it really isn't a good thing! Even if it's only being used to gather your thoughts, imagine how many books I'd have written now if only I'd actually done some work and let it fly rather than immediately believing it to be crap and binning it. It's only now, when time is so pressing, that I realise it's all about,

a. words

b. people

c. communication

and a healthy dollop of terror. After all what else is there?

I, personally, am looking forward to a healthy dollop of terror on the slopes in April, regardless of what the medics might be thinking.... I need to concentrate on rebuilding muscle again, and I'm using my time in the evening to visualise this tumour in the frontal lobe, (named Billy by my little one), buggering off!

Friday 23rd, January...

2009-01-23T16:06:00.001Z

It's stupid o' clock (again - oops! 6:30am, or something and I'm back in bed after wandering around the house in my knickers trying to find a pen soooo badly - as you do at 6 am ! Oh! And a banana, 1 piece of Green + Black's chocolate / milk (blue one of course). And something to write on !

Found Bramble and breathed a sigh of relief - what with all these nurses in and out all day ( well okay - it feels like that from the perspective of the sofa, so there ) .

Grabbed my copy of Auto/ Biographical Discourses : Theory. Criticism . Practice by Laura Marcus out the family bathroom on route back to bed, because what else do you do in my current position (?!) if not read ?!!!!

I wanted to think about, why write ? That old burning question, that has consumed my entire life. Why write ?

Why ?

Why feel such a need to commit to paper these thoughts, these micro-flashes of electrical energy in a brain that now contains a tumorous mass which threatens to undermine whole heaps (now that scares me senseless ! ) of mental faculty, sending Lisa to the bin.

( So then I breathe really deep - and remind myself that The Universe has never let me down yet and never will , so it's okay. I'll get out everything I need to - we'll see, honest. Have faith. Cool calming, reassuring faith : it will be okay ).

Such a lot to say; please forgive me if I get sidetracked a bit !! )

Oh, yes ! So why write ?!

Is it like those women of old - wanting to preserve for posterity, a record of what my life was like for my girls - so they may be strong , and forceful , and strike a balance between their femininity ( they are both sooo beautiful ! ) and their strength (we all have quite a mannish side too I think ) , so they can see - This is perhaps the reason for ALL my writing ha ! ha ! - that in life, things happen, and we're all on a road going along, totally blind, and things happen and we think - Oh God ! This is so bad I cannot live with it/through it/past it/etc. It's the end of my road - or even just wanting it to be so, but stay on the road: keep putting one blistered foot in front of the other and every time, you'll see -that if you can care to keep looking , the road always opens out into the most beautiful little cul - de - sac, or glade, or even just an entirely new turning will appear offering comfort, shelter and joy you couldn't have even imagined previously. It's true. I know.

Even illnesses ( I believe even this now - we'll look back and laugh at it. That Hesitant Scribe one's a crap writer - only published her cos she was dying LMAO ! )

Biggest examples, I can think of just off the cuff:

1. Ex husband stabbed me. V.Bad.

2. Had tetanus jab: Direct outcome.

3. In Spain got self hung by arm on barbed wire fence - don't ask - suffice to say you're never too old to do stupid shit !

4. No medical , but didn't need a tetanus anyway thanks to No.2

5. Outcome: celebration and healthy wound recovery !

Example 2

1. Didn't want to leave Spain - December 1996.

2. Had had such a bad time at school in Liverpool as screwed up transatlantic adoptee ( 1976 I came to the UK for the second time and got bullied in school until 1987). I had poor O' level/GCSE results so couldn't get a job, other than shop/bar work which as single parent in Spain with a 2 1/2 year old was no good at all !

3. So cut a long story short - went to UK again sobbing as if the world were over.

4. Back in the UK had to make the best of it so went back to 'night-school' and got A' levels.

4a. - met hubby. Awwww :-)

5. Went to uni, supported by hubby.

6. Rest is academic my dearies !

Okay, so it took work and tears but heck - just look at what's achievable in spite of what's in the way.

Miracles are all around - my life is testimony to that on every level.

How can you be happy and dying ?

I dunno -

1. By looking back and feeling so grateful - make a thanks list whilst still alive.

2. Still breathing ? Then you're still alive so try to be happy about it. Because the truth is you won't be alive forever.

3. Faith I'm safe . Alive or dead, no importance - I'm safe.

P.S. I think the best way to stay alive is to avoid all eye contact with health professionals !

Still Here? Damn Right!

2009-01-22T18:43:00.002Z

The Next Generation - lots of lovely visitors again!!!! Cripes I'm lucky!!!

I'm going to run out of titles soon (ha ha ha) but am actually typing this myself today - woo hoo!!! And am watching nutrition intake (porridge/wheatgrass/spirulina crap/etc., very little) versus outgoing (vomit - none today so far, but then just tasted my first organic raw juice drink OMG!!! Juice drink - now there's a fine line between wanting to live and drink that or never have to drink again!!!, wee - very little, poo - none! [do you SEE what I have been reduced to in my topics of conversation ???!!])

Also watching physical activity levels - again, not a lot here. Still going to loo alone upstairs, and after making yesterday's list, put on shoes and walked to the end of the garden. So, I'm sitting up, albeit on the couch chatting to people- still like Piccadilly Circus here oddly, but as I said the other day it is ALL About the People, friendships and relationships, everything we do/say/read/feel/care about in life is for or because of people, whether we'll admit/face/see it, or not. People who've been diagnosed out there - watch the stages of how people are with you and where possible, covet the one's who cherish your dreams as well as their own - hence so many gorgeous people have typed for me this past few days when I couldn't, value your opinion and/or have opinions that are valued by you, and of course all the Love Stuff - I have a lot of love for people, and like to pride myself on showing others that it is possible to have a difficult time (or even lots of them) in your life, and survive it because people have always been there to teach me that.

I started writing my novel as a thank you to the people in Spain who met me as one severely damaged and broken individual and helped to make me whole and confident again. The most important lesson of all was how to trust because after what I'd bee through - for anyone who may be interested out there? was hard that palaver with the mad Algerian

actually someone commented about an Albanian(?) for some odd reason, but no, there's a HUGE cultural difference there, for one I learned French and Arabic Swear Words, not Albanian, ha! ha! will let you off this time but please read carefully ;-)

Anyway, still trying to fathom what to do about novel - it's finished in my head and ends up being half fiction half autobiography, whilst this blog that started as a writing experiment is now urging me, not only to write, but to keep on writing AND living, to keep on analysing the wonderful life I've had and ever helping me to be a writer who wants to show a brighter purpose - tall order but I'm up for it because I never had to endure a war-zone but I did grow up in a bit of a Scouse mini-Beirut! And lots of little things add up to be bigger things, no?! I no matter how bad things have gotten/been someone or something has always assured me that the Universe is unfolding as it should be and that I'd look back and say thank you and mean it!!! And, no lie, I always have done even now, up to and including all of this health stuff. Honestly, you just have to look really hard sometimes!!!

For example, my adoption was a dreadful thing years ago but is now a wonderful part of who I am today. Not to mention the fact that I have an extra family now - whom I think the world of - and it was a really amazing tale of fluke and fortune in finding them online in a trace!! We went to see them in the 2nd year of my degree because my birth-mother was dying, but she's a tough old boot (I'm banking on it!) and is still here some 7 years or so later!!!

3 days and a pc and one super hubby needed for searches BTW

I'd wanted to work with adoptees and tracing one day, cos I think it is important to know where you came from psychologically even though I believe it doesn't matter spiritually but there is yet another novel to be scribed!

Righto, left hand worked very hard now needs a rest, as do eyes etc!

Thank you to everyone who's still with me/here/reading/laughing/whate vering

Them Bells, them Bells, them dry Bells....

2009-01-22T00:21:00.001Z

Everything's gone a bit mad! I hardly know where to start, and yet every day I feel a little more tired - and it isn't as though I'm like er... doing loads either, but keep drifting off - that's got to be a bad sign, hasn't it!? ha ha!

Speaking of drifting off, it's now 20 past 11, and this is the first chance ~I've had to come back to this post!!!! And only because the fabulous Nee Nee is here, making me porridge... tis official - I am like proper poorly now - have hardly eaten all day, am n0w 7st 10lbs too, but still getting to the loo on my own, and now thinking of getting to the riding school again somehow, at the weekend? As for riding, it depends on, whether or not I can get the strength back.

For anyone reading this who may have just been diagnosed with multiple tumours and has, heaven forbid, started having 'symptoms' I reckon this here is a bit of a danger stage: I still don't understand why, and I'm not questioning it, but when everybody starts popping in to see you with such wonderful presents/cards/flowers/fruit and even the GP has you scheduled in for private weekly home visits, not to mention District nurses twice a day it makes your head almost start excepting a rather immediate demise.

So folks, this is where I am now having to learn to strike a balance between mentally fighting back and physically fighting back whilst at the same time realising I can't e mail everybody back at the moment. I just haven't got the strength to do something as simple as digesting food AND email someone!!! So please don't be offended if I don't always get back to you in these few coming days - I'm not planning on going anywhere, just on spending a few days getting well enough to do all replies the following week!

Actually this blog will be the one thing that keeps me going I think and I want it to be useful for anyone else in this position - with multiple tumours, whether they die or not, to show that, even though it sometimes feels as though your funeral is being planned around you, ("WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO DIE?!") You need to keep wanting to live, and have a plan to keep you going (my dad, "Now that you're not eating anything let's start back on the nutritional war").

My Plan:

1. Keep breathing.

2. And eating - doing proper hardcore cancer fighting, for which I am even prepared to ingest spirulina and wheat-grass juice!!! Joder!

3. Doing EFT Tapping to help body to retain nutrients.

4. Positive thinking - and this is why I so want to talk about this here and now, because I am not in pain, feel loved and useful, have no regrets - other than got to finish my writing, etc., so it almost becomes like, "ok, we're ready now!" and the medics. when I ask them, okay, how long, like exactly (you know me, I want it down to the last millisecond), they all ask me, how long is a piece of string!!!

5. Need to plan a trip out of the house (and already, in a week or less, this is starting to look more and more difficult/challenging.

6. Need to spend time with family that doesn't feel like a death bed scenario from Dickens' or somewhere!

7. Close thine ears to any tollings of any bells!!!

Day 1.......

2009-01-20T12:56:00.003Z

Only a couple of weeks ago

...Of what I don't know but other people are now having to do all the typing for me (husband keeps cracking jokes whilst I try to dictate) so the atmosphere here is pretty high, Ha Ha! I had wanted to go to the riding school today but don't think I'm going to make it now even though the sky is a beautiful blue outside. Feel too dizzy and sick to contemplate moving full stop. Fuck knows how I'll get this book written or which poor soul will end up typing it out but it's looking quite plain that it's not going to be me (or Fay lol)

Last night the district nurses had to come out at 2.30am to put a fluids drip up- I'm starting to look like a prune. Trouble is my stomach doesn't seem to agree with my plans to stay alive. I keep telling it we need some nutrition but cancer seems to have made it deaf as well as anorexic. So the question is do I... a) eat and hurl or b) give it a miss and fade away?

Just let the cat out and the garden smells delicious. There's lots of whispers in the kitchen (lots of talk of pain verses quality of life) I am reminded of John Diamond's last column in the Times and thinking a) the Bastard and b) perhaps I should have got to this stage of acceptance a few months ago.... but then the blog wouldn't have been the same would it? And besides, it's giving me something to keep me going even now, and if I do survive- long shot- I'll have a lot of thanking to do hee hee. Someone suggested getting this blog published posthumously but I don't know what purpose that would serve other than feeding one sycophantic writer's desires to get in print even if dead!

If there are any poor souls out there reading this just after their own diagnoses I would like to say keep positive BUT do bear in mind that if it goes tits up, you may realise that you have left yourself with too little time. And that is crap, especially as I now want to blog /chat more that tell stories, but I've got to do other things like

1. Do a memory box withe the children

2. Get all bank details sorted out

3. Stay alive as long as possible

4. Still do positive thinking ie. some fortunate bastards have actually made it back from here!

Yesterday was pretty scary and I was relieved to have woken up this morning but yesterday, while the fluids and nutrition came in and went out again, I watched a video of my eldest daughter with her- one that she had never seen before- of her and her birth father. It was very moving for my hubby too as he hadn't seen them either. I haven't told you about this but I had to leave my demonic first husband after he tried to stab me and her (then two and a half) to death in my friend's kitchen. Another novel there! Lots of good memories and hopefully humorous ones at that. Luckily now she is sixteen she is legally safe from the Algerian Twat so I can tell you this without worrying too much that he'll ever see this and try to make contact. I, back in 1995 chose to flee the country leading to building a new life in Spain- not to mention- coming to grips with my own identity again after five years of mental and physical abuse.

It actually all worked out really well and the people of Fuengirola did indeed rebuild me; Installed me with a new language chip;

Not looking so great this morning!

New menu; New outlook; New hope. Actually they gave me the confidence to be able to return to the UK, almost bilingual and do a whole host of exams and thingies (bugger the PHD) I can get my head around the rest of the novel but the thesis- that might be asking too much. Excuse me while I throw up again. Going to leave it here for now, I am conscious that I'm being really selfish sitting here dictating this while all people have come to do is drink tea and eat my jam tarts ha ha.

8 st. 2 oz. and What the Oncologist Said Part V

2009-01-19T01:30:00.001Z

Life has changed unrecognisably in a week. This morning I was woken at 8.30 / 9.00 a.m. by a lovely but apologetic District Nurse wielding a hypodermic needle filled with an anti-convulsant - such service omg! Friday, the week before, the same nurse had arrived mid-afternoon wielding a driver for the first time and I though ,"Oh No! This is the Beginning of the End" (And I very possibly wasn't wrong! Ha Ha!"). The driver is a little machine/injection thingie that goes under the skin at one end and into a syringe the other. It's to give me anti-nausea meds (but I'd seen them before in Clatterbridge on the terminal patients so was completely freaked out by just the mention of it - also I was needle phobic - til about a week ago - so that freaked me out too). Anyway, I calmed down, accepted the driver and drugs, and remained hopeful the situation wouldn't get any worse. So far, so good. Went to bed at 1.30 a.m. and then the weirdest thing happened. It was like having cramp in your perception, meaning I could see Hubby's face, and then like an LSD trip, the image kind of slid down to the left and then snapped back up into place again. At the same time I became aware of tunnel vision and my left leg shot out (again like cramp). I was trying to regain control of my leg when everything went black. The next thing I remembered was being outside in the street and then - cut film sequence - in back of ambulance - lots of faces - in hospital - left in hospital cubicle, and then memory was ok from then on.

I had to spend the rest of the night and following day on the ward under observation, by this time we knew I'd had a seizure / fit thingie (SHIT & DOUBLE SHIT!!!) and had been sent for a CT scan... but worse was to come (Christ I soo know how John Diamond must have felt as he continued on with his writing

*interruption to note this is the first time I've been alone since then - been on 'fit' watch, and have so much to say/think/etc but at same time - feel sick and eye-sight is all blurry so hubby, bless him, typed up first half of this post, and I'm struggling to get this down, hitting delete/backspace more than the letters lol*

Hospital CT SCAN of head showed a big tumour in the Right hemisphere, hence fit, so more meds with scary names :( by this time I was growing number by the second) omg omg omg - then back home eventually, tons of tears/heartbreak then calm, then the news, you can't drive anymore - absolute HORROR at that one.hospital staff gave me the pillow just because I said it was the best pillow I've ever had! Fuck me, the privileges of the dying, eh!). The food was superb and I really can't fault any of my care medical, personal or otherwise. Tuesday, I had an appointment with hubby and palliative care doc, and she had rest of scan results: lung unchanged, pancreas one increased substantially as have the two in the liver - think I've told you all this before?!! sorry if I have! - so anyway, the appointment ended up being one of those 'how we're going to manage your pain etc. jobbie', bur when you've been in pain the entire time, as I have been, that's all that you're scared of!

Weds we went for the "I'm really sorry, but" appointment with the oncologist or

What the Oncologist Said Part V

not a lot aside from sorry,as though it could be his fault at a all, which it clearly is not and never could be, for that matter. Nope. This is my task. My Journey. My own Personal Head Wreck, and there are two major thoughts/feelings:

1. Relief - no big operations/pain pain pain

2. Contentment -I've no regrets in my life - am not ready to get off just. yet but if that's what fate has in store, then okay... *she says through the biggest f***off wry grin you can imagine*!!

And can I just say 2 things too!

1. Thank you to everyone who has in no particular order -rung/emailed/messaged/texted/visited/cooked meals for me&family/driven/babyminded/baked/hoovered/cleaned/even bathed me!!!thanksNic/held and emptied sick bowlseveryone/talkedtome-thankseveryone/keptmespritualandtherefore sane thank you dad I love my dad, and I have the best Husband-in-the-Universe.

2. Going to Learn this EFT Thing as it just might do the trick, and even if it can't cure me, if it can just control symptoms like nausea/urinary hesitancy/pain,and there's so many of people want to learn it to help me (?!) why on earth I wonder- this week has taught me just how blessed, lucky and loved I am!!!

3. I lied! Tis 3 But it's taken me 30 odd mins to write that last section - some pics tomorrow, shall be added!!!

Listen! Night Night Everyone - as an exercise, if you are really fed up with your life at the minute, ask yourself, if you were told you had to go away on a long journey, who would you miss, but also who would you miss? Nothing else. Just the relationships/he people.

But then...

2009-01-14T14:36:00.002Z

my friend rang me yesterday, from Spain, and she said;
This is so shit, but worse, you could live another 40 years in Pain and Misery, and for it to pass in the blink of an eye - this way you must cherish every moment you have from now on, and all the people in my life too, because life is so wonderful, and we mustn't waste a second of it.

The oncologist had very little to say;
Radiotherapy could be too risky (to my faculties), and I'm too weak for more/a different chemo, so won't be offering that either. I'm feeling quite calm in a very spiritual way, and I'm going to try EFT.

I can't believe how lucky I am, having so many wonderful people so close to me!

Oh Dear! It wasn't good news...

2009-01-13T15:34:00.002Z

...So, worst case scenario - i.e. no more treatment and let it take its course and this cancer which is now in my \R\ frontal lobe, pancreas, liver (x2), lung and lymph node, will see me off inside months rather than years. And aside from crying I don't know what else to say to you. I'd better get writing quick smart if I'm gonna finish my novel, and am still praying that the oncologist has something more encouraging to say tomorrow... we'll see eh. Obviously the Tarceva hasn't done a thing so far!!!

I'd love to be more philosophical but it's so hard to even think straight when being told shit like this, even to not cry when the kids have just come home from school, but I don't know how too. I pray for strength and smiles to keep me going as long as possible. I've never wanted to be alive so much in all my life.

Happy 2 year anniversary to The Hesitant Scribe!!! And Annual Review...

2009-01-12T23:17:00.001Z

Heal Lisa by Amanda

I love unicorns, have always loved unicorns and so a friend did this picture for me, entitled Heal Lisa - Lovely isn't it?'!

It was the 2 year anniversary of the blog the other day, and I was thinking - how life can just take a turn for the worse with no warning. -Friday afternoon the District Nurses came to the house and hooked me up to a syringe driver for anti-nausea drugs, which seem to have started working for me as I've only just started on them (have to wait 48 hrs to see).

So, Friday night - went to bed, and can hardly describe what happened next!!! It felt like cramp - the kind you get in your big toe only it was in my head... I saw my husband look panicked and then lean across me to get the phone, and just heard him saying something abut an ambulance and then I woke up in the ambulance but wasn't thinking clearly until we were in the hospital. Apparently I had a fit/seizure due to another tumour that has grown in the frontal lobe I've no idea what this means in real terms and am still in shock to be honest, a bit dazed to say the least! More medication - bring it on but the worse thing is that I can't drive my car no more beekeeper!!!!!

Sorry for the Delay....

2009-01-09T12:04:00.003Z

....in this post, but I've been too ill to do anything... Been throwing up since last post, and am now at the stage where things have been grinding to a halt with no food staying down and nothing coming out the other end either. I was really worried last night, to be honest - I've gone down to 8 st. 5 oz, and was so weak I could hardly hold my head up.
I thought, I'm going to end up in hospital at this rate, so drank some V8 vegetable juice through a straw, managed to keep it down, and immediately started to feel a little better. But I've got a long way to go, and have had to cancel riding lessons since Xmas Eve. humph. I wrote a blog post by hand on the 2 year anniversary of the Hesitant Scribe, but have been... you guessed it!... too ill to type it up! I'm hoping this post will suffice for now - they're coming with a driver later to see if we can put a stop to this bloody nausea - then I can eat some food and start gaining some strength again, get riding, and writing... What was that saying? God loves a tryer? Well, I'm certainly that, clinging to the last - that's me.

vomitus new yearus

2009-01-01T18:05:00.002Z

...forgive short post but have got vomity bleugh bug thing so went to bed on new year at 12.30 but woke at 3 am chucking up guts so will have to tell all then - loasds to say but er... in mean time ...Happy New Year 09!!!!!!

scan tomorrow!!!

2008-12-29T00:10:00.005Z

It's a biggie tomorrow - CT Scan first thing in the morning, and a rather important one at that because it's when we find out what the Tarceva has been doing; and have the tumours shrunked/reduced/disappeared altogether(?!!!)/remained stable/(almost the one we're hoping for actually). I won't know the results for ages though - don't see my oncologist until JAN 19th - be positive I tell myself, the worst is overm now we just live! But really live, you know, no f**king about and wasting time- there's writing to be done, or rather extracting it from my brain's hard drive where I've been drafting/redrafting and shaping the pieces of the quilt that are to be 'stitched' together into a novel of sorts - and I just found out that Las Cartas has been accepte somewhere for a new mag's first edition (will let you know more as I find out!) - how exciting! :) What else? Oh yeah, the Little' Un had her first canter ("without screaming, mummy!") today, so it was a celbratory day - also - the new pain meds dosagw is lasting from 8 till 5.30 now so i'm very optimistic that with a few more tweaks we can eradicate it altogether and then i'll have no more excuses for not writing more!

Christmas Gall...

2008-12-27T02:34:00.003Z

...bladder attacks for moi on the old 25th, I'm afraid! It was a fab day til then though, and we learn to appreciate those golden moments such as having a few pain free moments! We went to my parent-in-laws' house for a traditional Christmas dinner (with my parents too). You see I knew I should've ignored the trimmings (even though I kinda thought I had - no cream - no chipolatas, no turkey skin all crisp and inviting - no desert, well, okay, yes desert, but only a little tiny bit, but* but* but* but* I did eate a lot more than I have in a long time, so perhaps that's why y gallbladder decided to cock up and otherwise perfect day.

We got home about 6ish after i'd had a couple of hours of mild tummy cramps, but then I had a nap, and woke up half an hour later unable to breath hardly with what felt like someone taking a chainsaw to my middle - it lasted hours for f***sake, so hubby rang the doc and found a neighbour to take care of Little'Un, and we waited while I screamed and the doc arrived and took a look at me, and said something like, "Oh yes, Gallbladder - very painful. But I can't give her any diamorphine, I can only preswcribe it and the disrict nurse will have to come to administer it." Or words to that effect, and I said, " Oh my, what a shame!" Or words to that effect. And the doc had taken 2 EFFING HOURS TO GET TO ME and the nurse took FOREFFINGEVER,so that I my screaming had scared the gallstones into submission (along with half the street I think) and she still hadfn't arrived with my lovely syringe full of pain relief!!!

Total crap. And now it's Boxing Day and late and I'm trying to type this as fast as I can before the pain revisits me for the bedtime slot!

ARGH! Hope y'all had a good one - much love,

hesitant wotsit

It's nearly Christmas - woo hoo!!!

2008-12-23T12:39:00.007Z

I am sooo excited! It's Christmas Eve tomorrow... I love Christmas Eve, when all the house is lovely and tidy, the shopping done, and anything that hasn't been done will just have to go whistle for it! And then it's time to settle down by the tree, and wrap the kids' presents up. Watch telly and wait for Santa!

And for anyone who missed it last year:

This is my favourite Christmas text of all time. I listened to it every Christmas as a child, and now read it to mine. I'm sure it's out of copyright, so hopefully it is okay to share with you all!

The Night Before Christmas by Clement Clarke Moore (1779-1863)

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;

And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,

Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,

Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow

Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,

I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

'Now, DASHER! now, DANCER! now, PRANCER and VIXEN!

On, COMET! on CUPID! on, DONDER and BLITZEN!

To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!

Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!'

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,

When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,

So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,

With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.

As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,

Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;

A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,

And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.

His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!

His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,

And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,

And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;

He had a broad face and a little round belly,

That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,

Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,

'HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD-NIGHT'.

___________

And so, from me, Happy Christmas to All, and a Prosperous and Healthy 2009 (and beyond!)

...still a tad crappy!

2008-12-20T15:39:00.001Z

Golly! 2 posts in 2 days - you'll be sending me a medal for this!!! I'm still feeling crappy though, with nausea, and pain, though the oxynorm (new extra strength, no less) does work eventually - looking at the symptoms I've got - this looks very much like pancreatitis but I don't know what they can do about it. The tumour they found was 3.5cm (and even though I believe the Tarceva has started to shrink it), and my pancreas is not impressed with this at all! And I'm shrinking away too. I have to check every single label on food before I can eat anything - due to the fat content... especially the saturates - so if anyone out there wants to lose weight, just try cutting down on your fat intake!!! I've gone down to 8st 7lbs... a steady descent from the 11st 5oz I had gone up to during chemotherapy last winter! And it isn't difficult when you know it's going to really hurt if you have too much, like REALLY!!!

This morning woke up to the little one shouting me - she has caught one of these horrid tummy bugs, and of course it would be when hubby is away so luckily my mummy has been here all day taking care of both of us - and little one is recovering fast now that she's had some (more) antibiotics, and has been out for a walk to get some fresh air with nanna :)

It's 3.30 and the abdominal pain is just beginning to kick in again, so I'll leave this post here...

Thank yous go to S for the lovely Bath Spa thingy she brought me, and my eldest child who has been an absolute Godsend this past week or so.

We haven't sent any Christmas Cards this year - as hubby is giving the money we would have spent on them to the Hospice where I am treated soooo well (and they aren't funded either, which is a disgrace). Am working on an 'e-card' to send but goodness only knows when I'll get that finished!

Hope you're all happy and organised for Chrimbo - and looking forward to the festivities - I for one can't wait!

I'm Back!!! 8st 7lbs

2008-12-19T14:08:00.001Z

No Blogging... blame Bramble! (NO that's not patience you can see, it's an illusion!)

I have been trying to write this post for what feels like weeks, but is only a week and a half! Tuesday morning (after the last blog post) I rode like a total muppet - no really, I did :( - so I've asked about some lessons on the lunge to sort my position out but especially my hands. After riding I saw my doc at the Hospice, and she doubled all my meds again, however, Tuesday pm, things started to get bad as early as 1 in the afternoon. I've basically had another one of those weeks from hell, with abdominal pain that was verging on that of pancreatitis or a gallbladder attack. Like cripplingly severe - cry your eyes out kind of pain/can't think/can't talk/can't do anything but rock back and forth and howl. (My poor poor family!) By Saturday morning I was in such a mess I phoned the hospice to speak to my palliative care specialist, and thank God, she was there that weekend - so I got catheterised (yeuck!), and examined (all okay), and the meds all upped again. Massively.

At last I got a good night's sleep (first one in over a week), and awoke feeling fantastic, so I ran downstairs, and rang my friend to tell her I could take the girls riding. I was horrified when she said very sensibly I might add, that she would prefer it if I didn't drive just yet, given how much opiate painkillers I am now taking, and I foolishly got all upset about it. You see, my body has been a right old mess admittedly, but my mind is clear and my faculties have not been affected (honestly!). I tried to explain that I would only drive if I felt 100% safe in doing so, but the poor woman stuck to her guns, and so I said I'd meet her there. Of course as soon as I put the phone down, a wave of dizziness and nausea hit me from out of nowhere, and I had to call her back (in disgrace) to ask if she could take me and my little 'un after all, because I really couldn't have driven for all the laxatives in Boots!

I got very emotionally upset about all of that because as I keep saying (like some kind of loony...) MY HEAD IS FINE!!! I am not drunk and stumbling around thinking I am walking in a straight line, or can do x, y, or z when I clearly cannot.

But long term illness gets you that way. People have to care for you/see you at your worst, when you're throwing up or feel so bad you can't think straight because of the pain, and I find I am constantly trying to defend my mental capacities/judgemental ability. And no one has treated me like a child either, so it's not like I have reason to feel like this (and anyway that was last week, and I feel fine now!). Apart from when people phone me and say stupid bloody things like, "Have you taken your painkillers?!" Er, no. I thought I'd just leave them and roll up into a ball for the rest of the day! Of course I've taken my effing meds!!!

Monday was better and I was going to blog, but then I had some unexpected visitors (to be fair, one of them was written on the calendar in the kitchen, but I'd forgotten!), and got nothing done, but it was lovely to see K, and my long lost bosom buddy L.

Tuesday I had a lunge lesson, and improved my position and hands somewhat. I did drive, but I asked my dad to come with me, so he could take over if I was too tired at the end of the lesson to drive home. Didn't blog.

At last - the muppet sits up tall!!!

Wednesday was go to get more Tarceva day. No blogging, but lots of face-booking ( it's easier to write one line or so, than a whole blog post).

Yesterday it was back to excruciating pain again, but it turned out to be a load of crap - quite literally!!! After about 3 hours on the loo, my legs had gone dead, but my stomach felt better.

Today, I receive my order of A&W Root Beer. And it amazes me how a smell and/or a flavour can whisk us back in time over 3o years. I've been thinking about my childhood a lot recently, mainly due to being in contact with my cousins, who were more like sisters and a brother to me, as I grew up with them in BC until I was nearly 7. And they've been posting cute pics of us all when we were kids.

Possibly the bestest drink in the world - I can't think why the English dislike it so much!!!

I've done all my Christmas shopping on-line - thank God for the Internet!!! And the tree is done - thanks to little 'un and NeeNee, and Hubby for agreeing to me getting a real one for a change - the house is already full of pine needles but I love it! YAY for the smell of a real tree!!! This is gonna be the best Christmas so far!!!

The Tree 2008...

Righto - will not leave it so long next time. Promise.

Not a mum content to hold the coats!

2008-12-08T16:56:00.008Z

Bramble Wonders What's Going On With All The White Glistening Stuff!

It was verrrry cold on Sunday morning, and I was awake at 5am thanks to tummy ache (again), but the sky was clear and as the sun came up, it became apparent that it was actually a very beautiful day - Bramble looked out of the front window, into a world bathed in that gorgeous winter orange twilight, and when I opened the patio doors instead of bounding out across the grass, he looked at me as though to say, "What the hell?!" Then he tentatively walked to where you see him in the pic above, shaking each paw after it had touched the ground, and sat for a good 5 minutes just looking around!

Saturday turned into a very successful shopping spree as Derby House (tack shop) sent me an email advertising a 20% discount off everything for that weekend only! So off the little oneand I went to Grandma's house, and then to "a surprise" place. When we got there she said, "Is it a wood shop?!" but then she went inside and saw the pictures of horses everywhere and sqealed with delight!

She got her Christmas presents early (as you can see in pic below); jodhpur boots, half chaps, and a plush black velvet riding hat to go with her new jodhpurs and riding gloves I got her on Friday after my lesson! You've never seen a child so grateful - you'd have thought we'd given her a million quid!

Despite the frost we took her to her group lesson on Sunday morning -all kitted out and grinning from ear to ear! It was soooo cold that hardly any kids had turned up (to volunteer!), so I ended up being my little one's leader. While hubby froze on the sidelines with a camera, I was sweating cobs after the first trot round the indoor school, and peeling off layers by the second. Great fun - I think I'll help out more often! (That was how I ended up being trained as an assistant gymnastics coach though!)

And today I've had loads of visitors so haven' done half the things I was going to, but cares?! There's a whole week ahead! Carpe Diem and all that!

Discovering the 'on' button!

2008-12-06T11:30:00.004Z

Poor old Siobhan. Always being accused of being lazy for not moving off fast enough in the walk, or taking an age to trot, or only doing a couple of strides of canter and then stopping again... when the whole time

IT WAS MY FAULT!!!

RIDING LESSONS

When I arrived for my lesson yesterday, S (my instructor) took one look at me and said, "Are you sure you're okay to ride today?!" As usual I said of course I was, but she wasn't convinced at all, and I had to admit that perhaps jumping wasn't such a clever idea! The truth was I'd been awake (again) since 5am with stomach pains (now known to be simply constipation!), taken my double dose of oral opiates, managed to go to the loo eventually (but very uncomfortably), and had been deliberating as to whether or not I should cancel the lesson (but since I cancelled Wed, I knew I had to make an effort for my own sake). So I pulled on my jodhpurs, downed some anti-nausea pills, and set off anyway. As you do.

I promised S that I'd tell her immediately if I wasn't up to the job, and asked her if we could work on some things I'd been reading about, like knowing which leg is moving and when. Turned out to be one of those cracking lessons where it all starts to come together and make sense!

It isn't easy to work out which of the horse's legs moves first, or last come to think of it. Siobhan is often sluggish in the school too so that ought to have made it easier, but each time we set off in walk, and S asked me which leg moved first I looked at her with a blank expression. I was trying to think the answer when you have to feel for it instead. It got even more complicated when we moved off into trot, and I had to workout/feel which diagonal pair moved first. I struggled to 'listen' with my buttocks, but still didn't trust them, so when a fore-leg seemed to move first alone, in trot, I used my head and got it wrong - it was a lesson in following your instincts - to really see what is rather than what you think something should be!

After a while my brain (and buttocks) were frazzled, so we moved on to looking at the 'aids' in more advanced detail. In riding, the natural aids are voice, legs, hands, and seat (that is, the things you use to ask the horse to do something). The weird thing is you have to learn one way when you begin, and then as you progress, you learn more advanced methods to do the same thing! So the aid for 'walk on' becomes a squeeze with one foot and then the other (once your buttocks know which sequence the horse's legs are moving in), and trot becomes a squeeze with both legs (as opposed to it all being a squeeze with both legs!) Siobhan became a different horse in an instant, as though she said to me, "Aha! Now I understand what you want!" She walked off with a spring in her step, and moved into trot instantly, rather than ignoring my (previously unclear) signals.

And canter too! Wow!!! S moved my feet into position to ask for canter and a light went on - "Oh!" I said, "It goes that high up!" After a bit of work on co-ordination - trying to raise one foot up towards my own buttocks without losing a stirrup was hard - while keeping the other foot on the girth and squeezing inwards at the same time - I kept forgetting to move the other foot back in time, but Siobhan became a Ferrari! She was clearly pleased with me! Instead of waiting for her to canter - she turned her ears to me, saying, "I'm ready!" and the minute I squeezed the girth she cantered, and kept it going too!

So to all of you who think you just sit there, and kick the horse, and pull on the reins - it's just so not like that! Instead you need masses of co-ordination and a horse with tons of patience.

Spending Money again!

I finished the lesson with a feeling of achievement and deep satisfaction, and looked much better than I did before I started, so went to the tack shop and bought the little one some jodhpurs and riding gloves for Christmas, much to the bemusement of hubby. (He's lucky, I nearly bought her a pony to go with them ha ha!)

Still feeling Betterer and Writing - hurrah

The pain meds are working well, and I'm less woozy from the additional morphine-like stuff. If I can get my bottom sorted out, I'd be on cloud 10! Still doing my evening meditation cd, and repeating to myself that I am healthy and strong! I refuse to give up on my life! Just want to be healthy again... little else matters... also writing again and should have the next bit done by early next week!

Feeling Betterer and Betterer! And Animal Inspiration

2008-12-03T23:51:00.011Z

Saw the doc on Tuesday - I could've done with seeing her at the beginning of last week to be honest, especially when she said, "Well, we'll just up your medication."! I had been terrified she might need to put me on something different altogether, something like methadone, which involves a 5 day admission to the hospice, but we're nowhere near the upper limits for my oxycodone - what a relief!

Yesterday morning I took my double dose of liquid oxynorm (instant hit stuff) and began to feel comfortable again very quickly, however when combined with my double dose of oxycontin (slow release 12 hourly stuff), I ended up a tad dizzy, nauseous, and ever so slightly out of my tree! Had to re-arrange my riding lesson for Friday, but today it's all been good (apart from the nausea!), so should be fine and dandy tomorrow. It is fabulous to be pain free after so much agony for so long!

I've come across a couple of inspirational stories/vid clips I thought I'd share with you - who said animals are dumb creatures?!!! And who said we cannot form relationships on any levels other than master/follower or predator/prey?! Take a look at these!

I did some research on this one too, as I would have been devastated had it been faked! The original story in the press can be found here. I dare you not to cry!

Also found this with more loving lions;

Plus this - which I cried my eyes out over when I first watched it! It's not just the fab relationship with the horsie either but the song lyrics were/are so relevant.

The song is called, "Live Like You Were Dying" by Tim McGraw

Verse 1
He said I was in my early forties, with a lot of life before me
And one moment came that stopped me on a dime
I spent most of the next days, looking at the x-rays
Talking bout' the options and talking bout' sweet times.
I asked him when it sank in, that this might really be the real end
How's it hit 'cha when you get that kind of news?
Man what did ya do?
He said

Chorus
I went skydiving
I went rocky mountain climbing
I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu
And I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I'd been denyin'
And he said some day I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dyin'

Verse 2
He said I was finally the husband, that most the time I wasn't
And I became a friend, a friend would like to have
And all of a sudden goin' fishin, wasn't such an imposition
And I went three times that year I lost my dad
Well I finally read the good book, and I took a good long hard look
At what I'd do if I could do it all again
And then

Chorus
I went skydiving
I went rocky mountain climbing
I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Shu
And I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I'd been denyin'
And he said some day I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dyin'

Bridge
Like tomorrow was the end
And ya got eternity to think about what to do with it
What should you do with it
What can I do with it
What would I do with it

Skydiving
I went rocky mountain climbing
I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu
And man I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I watched an eagle as it was flyin'
And he said some day I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dyin'

To live like you were dyin' (4x)

Pain Pain Pain

2008-11-30T12:39:00.001Z

One thing I don't talk too much about is the pain. One of the tumours is in the apex of the left lung and is interfering with a group of nerves called the brachial plexus. This group of nerves basically provides almost all the nervous functions of skin and muscles for the entire upper torso - meaning I get a range of pain feelings from pins & needles in the skin of my left arm/hand along the ulna and radial bones, numbness, an internal itching that cannot be scratched, burning sensations, and your basic stabbing/ache type pains. Added to that, the pancreatic tumour sits in the middle of an incredibly sensitive organ, so producing a griping pain in the midriff area.

So that's the mechanics. But what about the practicalities? I'm currently taking 75mg of Imiprimine each day, 80mg of Oxycodone (a derivative of morphine), and 150mg of Diclofenac. On top of this little lot I've been having an extra 40-50mg Oxynorm liquid over the course of the day. And this last week, the pharmacy screwed up so I didn't get my Diclofenac until a day later, by which time the pain had returned with a vengeance - then it takes days to get 'topped up' again! All these meds have left me constipated yet again.

The worse thing is when it starts in the early hours - like this morning when I woke at 5am in considerable discomfort. The two hot wheat-packs did little to settle the pain, which seemed to come from my entire stomach/midriff area, and by 6am, when I wanted to take some oxynorm, I couldn't because I have to take the Tarceva chemotherapy tabs on an empty stomach, and hour before eating or drinking. I have to take the chemo at 7, so at 6am I went downstairs to try to give hubby a bit of respite, and to put the telly on to drown out my sobbing and howling. I managed to hang on until 8 am when I downed the morning's meds, but waited another hour or so for them to kick on, having let the pain build up so much.

Luckily, it doesn't hurt when I ride, and most of the time the pain meds have been working well - but this week has been awful. If I'd been told how much pain I'd experience this year I'm not sure what I'd have done!

I love my life and am so grateful to still have it, but when the pain really kicks in and my husband and children have to watch me writhing in agony and sobbing like a baby with colic, that's when I get really scared. But I never say I want to die, I say I want to live! And I look to the day when this is all over and I can live a normal life again - sleep through the night, and go more than an hour without pain medication!

Righto - am knackered now - so gonna go get some catchup sleep!

A Long and Rambling Catchy-Up Post...

2008-11-27T23:21:00.001Z

I'm behind on blog posts once again, but only because I've been so busy - which is a good thing, isn't it!

Last week I missed my riding lesson due to a mix up (I got there and it'd been booked for the day before), but all was not lost. I stayed around for a few hours and helped out a bit. After grooming two horses and tacking one up I was soaked through to the skin with sweat, and exhausted. After a little rest I did some yard brushing with the other girls, and then led a pony for a child's lesson - now that was interesting! Walk is fine but running alongside a trotting horse for one lap of the school was knackering, and the poor girl who was also leading had to do both canter runs because I just wouldn't have made it! I had a second brew (and a breather) before rugging up some more horses, and then I was done for and had to call it a day.

Saturday was the day of my youngest's birthday party - roller skating at the YMCA - and I was so pleased to manage to be there for the whole day! I can't tell you how good it felt after a year of missing everything/leaving early/having to be taken home in a state!

Anyway, it's been a good couple of weeks for pushing the boundaries and setting new limits. As the party was in a place where they also have a climbing wall, and as one of the mums is a climbing instructor, I even ended up doing a little climb - and before you get too excited, it was only the slabby bit, and I was shaking for about half an hour afterwards, and while I'd like to say it was the exertion, it wasn't - it was pure, unadulterated terror, followed by absolute relief. I haven't climbed in over two years.

Oh God! Am I really going to do this?!

Higher up now - over the yellow line... those 10 to 2 feet really come in handy here!

Okay - can I come down now please?

Abseiling - like riding a bike, you never forget how!

Sunday I got up early and took the little one and her friend to their riding lesson, had coffee with the other mum, then met up with some other friends in town for lunch, did some Christmas shopping, and then visited another friend on the way home! Monday I was cabbaged, on the sofa and did bugger all.

But Tuesday I had a jumping lesson - back to square one (well poles on the ground), and then back up to a foot and a half! It was a real adrenalin rush getting over the first vertical, but they say you should do something everyday that scares you. I've no idea who they are, but they have a point - a little scare really makes you feel alive.

Oh, and poor Bramble went in to be neutered. My little one has been telling everyone that, "Bramble is having his balls cut off!" and worse, asked the vet if she could have them to take home!!! I collected him in the afternoon and he was still groggy - poor thing. Had to be done though - I couldn't stand to watch him trying to reproduce with his little beany baby kitty anymore - all that howling and frustration as he strained to attach his back end to a tiny stuffed toy! And hey, no paternity suits now either. Plus, he shouldn't stray too far now. I've no idea what he makes of the whole business but seems okay considering. He can't jump down from the counter top yet (still a tad sore no doubt), but he's eating and all that again. I'm a bad bad bad kitty owner!

So Wednesday I went on a 2 hour hack and scared the living crap out of myself for a brief moment or two. Instead of the beach we went on 'the path', only the path wasn't flat but like a roller-coaster, and the first part of the path a pretty severe drop of about 3 foot (which looked like a vertical cliff from where I was sitting!). Thomas, who I was riding, was really forward that day, and instead of stepping down carefully and slowly, as I expected, he leapt off the top landing in canter and then taking off down the path at break-neck speed, clearly chasing the lead horse, and leaving my stomach back on the top of the sand dune. But after that it was fantastic - up and down the hills we went, following the path as it curled its way through the trees, ducking under low branches until we finally came out by a nursery school and all the children waved to us and shouted, "Hello horsies!" It was so good, and I even had enough left in me when we got back to take the tack off and rug him up.

After that I went to the hospital to collect more Tarceva. Then I made a serious cock-up and went to MacDonalds, and before you say anything, I paid dearly for a small chocolate milkshake, small fries and sweet chili chicken deli sandwich! By the time I got home the pain had started, and I was in tears by the time the kids came home from school. Silly silly me! Was it worth it? Not really, no.

Today I've been recovering and had yet more pains, but not the make you cry sort, just the rocking back and forth sort.

So life is good despite having cancer and being on chemo! My stamina is improving bit by bit, and though I still need to keep pushing myself more and more, I do feel as though I'm making progress.

Haven't done much writing though :( but then Rome, as they say, was not built in a day, and I had a lovely visit today with a friend who writes - and it was really inspiring to be able to talk about writing again with someone. So at least I'm thinking about the project loads, so much so that the thing is written in my head and just needs committing to paper!

Enough pointless rambling from me - I'm off to bed to listen to my healing CD!

Just a thought but...

2008-11-20T13:48:00.001Z

...some things you might like to think about before saying aloud to friends with cancer - or any serious, longstanding illness for that matter - and some alternatives...

1. On noticing how much weight your friend has lost - "OMG! You're soooo thin! Please let me in on your diet secret!"

(Try something like, "You look great - at least there's one good thing come of all this," or alternatively keep your mouth shut!

2. When seeing a friend for the first time after a diagnosis, "How long has the doctor given you to live?!"

(I can't honestly think of an alternative for this one - and it reduced me to tears.)

3. You haven't bothered to get in touch for over a year, but now need a phone number from your 'friend'. Please refrain from sending a text that reads, "Sorry I haven't been in touch, but been thinking about you. BTW have you got X's phone number?"

(Hint: FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO BOTHER!)

4. You've had a really bad day/week/month at work. By all means complain about it, but please don't say, "You're soooo lucky being off work!" because however bad work is, it is NOT as bad as waking up every morning with a life threatening illness - being stuck at home, alone, most of the time, and having to work your mental, physical, and emotional backside off just to be able to face the day! We would MUCH rather be at work, and not having to do marking is NOT lucky - it's crap.

5. You phone your friend to ask how they are, and they say,"I've been a bit down lately, and I'm struggling to say positive." Do not say,"That's okay, I'll come to see you and we can be miserable together!"

(It may seem like empathy to you, but it's the last thing your friend needs! They need positivity, and someone to help them smile again. And however bad your problems seem, unless they include someone's life being at risk, they just won't cut it.)

6. Some people are just naturally negative. These are those unlucky individuals who see the glass as, not so much half empty, as smashed to pieces. These are the people who ring you up to say, "How are you?" and then proceed to 'share' every bit of bad news they've heard that week with you. They'll start with, "God, isn't the weather horrible today?!" They'll then go on to tell you about the child who got murdered, the bomb that went off killing x number of people, and how depressing the world is. If this sounds like you,

The weather is not horrible. It is weather. Unless you are in the middle of a natural disaster, try to see the rain as rain, and grey skies as cloudy. If it's cold, put more clothes on and consider those who live in the Arctic! If it's raining, think how fresh everything will be afterwards, how well the trees will grow. If you've seen bad things on the news, don't bother telling me about it. Chances are I saw it too. Look for the good in life - the good news stories - they do exist if you're willing to look hard enough. For all the starving people, there are projects and people working to alleviate the situation (and of course we need more but the fact is, there are people who are trying to make a difference and that should furnish us with hope and good faith). There's one poor soul I know who, when you say, "Isn't it beautiful out today!" will say, "Ah yes, but the weather report said it's going to be horrible later." This same person has a heart of gold, but will complain endlessly about everything from their job, to their partner. (And no - they don't read this blog, thank god... I'd be mortified if they read this and recognised themselves!)

* * * * * * * * * * *

I hasten to add that I have been fantastically lucky with the amount of support I've had/continue to receive. And almost everyone has been very thoughtful and careful about what they say, and I wouldn't want people to be ill at ease with me, watching their every word, either. It's just that since my diagnosis I give thanks every day for my friends and family, and my life. I have realised how insignificant the 'problems' I had before actually are. Even pretty major things like divorce, losing one's job etc., pale into insignificance when life holds a loaded gun to your head, trigger cocked. Even when you learn to live with/contain the terror (and it is real terror), it can still catch you unawares, and it is very hard work (at first) to keep your thoughts positive and wholesome (it does get easier with practice though).

And I have noticed that one or two people still think that a bad day at work equals living with cancer/being on chemotherapy, or that just because I'm off work, I have all day to listen to people's so called problems. I wish I could bottle up this insight I've been blessed with, and enable these negative people to appreciate what they do have, rather than focusing on what they do not have.

And I don't mind listening to people's problems generally. I like being able to help, or just be there for people - but there are days when I can't handle it, when I need support/cheering up/to hear positive things.

Luckily I have my dad, and mu husband, and a handful of other special folk who are always positive for me, and do appreciate how lucky they are to have their health!

So - love and good health to all of you reading this, and I send you positive vibes in all you do/experience. I send you feelings of gratitude for all you do have, and the hope/belief that you will get all the things you feel you need.

Fancy a little walk?!

2008-11-15T13:13:00.004Z

Just had to share this with you! Some brave person has filmed himself walking El Camino del Rey in El Chorro, Andalucia, Spain, so you don't have to! This is just the sort of thing my hubby loves!

Now I've been to the start of this path, and it was bad enough getting there - you have to walk along a railway bridge, and through a tunnel timing it carefully with the passing trains!

I'd rather be on a horse at full gallop on the beach to be honest!

And time marches on...

2008-11-13T12:59:00.001Z

My eldest just turned 16 the other day. I can hardly believe where the years have gone! One minute she's this tiny babe in arms, and the next she's a grown woman (well looks like one at any rate!), all mature (most of the time), and sensible (ditto!). The little one turns 9 in a few days too - just another reminder of time is marching on. But it's great too, to see them growing up healthy and strong, and nice little people too. Just makes me feel old! It's when you realise that there are grown ups in this world who were born in the 1980s - eek!

Yesterday I went on a hack. It was a small group, just me, two OAPs, and the riding school instructor. The weather was perfect - crisp and clear blue skies, sun shining, no wind at all. We had all the usual excitement as we made our way along the road up towards the beach; a bus driver who whizzed passed and then stopped dead, freaking the horses out. The little guy I was riding (Thomas) decided the side-walk looked like the safest option and skipped up the kerb before I could stop him. Luckily there were no pedestrians. A car flew past doing about 40 mph and I only just managed to contain my middle finger. Bastards! I wish drivers would have some common sense around horses!

Once in the nature reserve though, it was all smiles from dog walkers and waves from small children! Thomas, the pony I was riding, turned out to be quite forward going, and broke into a canter as we crossed the sand dunes (I think he needed to, just to keep up with the others as he's only got little legs!). I'm a bit wary of going down hill at anything other than a slow careful walk, but Thomas insisted on showing me that it was perfectly safe to canter, let alone trot, down quite steep inclines!

The beach was perfect - tide just going out, leaving us a lovely wide strip of firm wet sand to canter along, and just before turning back to head for home, we had a little paddle in the sea. Thomas went into the water fine, but then got freaked out by the white foam at the water's edge and it took a while to get him to brave his way back onto dry land! Eventually he did a hop, skip and a jump to join the others, and then we all turned and galloped down the beach at full speed. I'd forgotten just how knackering it is though, and was so out of breath, that by half way I had to sit down, which meant we were last in our impromptu race. It took me ages to get my breath back, and I was soaked through with sweat (side effect of the tumours). But it was fantastically good exercise! To end a perfect ride out, the gentleman who was with us, told me he was celebrating 10 years clear of cancer! I thanked him for inspiring me!

I've had pain again, in the evenings, and it's been getting me down a bit. I need a good old boot up the backside to get this writing done! Luckily, I'm to re-enrol on the PhD in January, so at last have a deadline to work towards! The Novel Racers asked me if I had any plans for 2009, and I didn't know where to begin beyond, stay alive and finish my novel!

A New Hope in Tarceva

2008-11-06T10:38:00.001Z

On Friday, I had to go up to Clatterbridge Hospital to see my oncologist and collect my new meds. Tarceva is a tablet that I have to take at the same time each day, on an empty stomach, and an hour before eating. The side-effects are quite do-able compared with chemo/radio, with a skin rash of varying degrees of severity, diarrhoea, and dry eyes, but after 6 days, I haven't noticed anything at all. It's a treatment you keep taking for as long as it is working - and working can be taken to mean 'keeping the disease stable' or even 'reducing the tumour sizes'.

I have very high hopes for this treatment. It has done well in all the trials, and has only just been approved for use in Europe on Sept 21st. It is for people who have non-small cell lung cancer (NSCLC), and for whom chemotherapy has failed. I'm convinced that this is the one that's going to work, but then I have to be - there's no other options.

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Fed Up

I've been a bit fed up with myself this week. I just don't seem to have got anything done! No writing, no hour a day on the Wii Fit (great fun so why do I need the kids to set it up before I'll get on it?! The yoga is brilliant, too, although the Wii Fit Age thing is odd - one day I was 48 (?!) and the next I was 35! Last time I was 50 so maybe I'm just too scared to get on the thing again!). Need to pull my finger out and get straight. No really, I do!

_________________________________________________

Riding

Yesterday I had a riding lesson at 9.30am. My friend, J, who has just started riding too, booked it. I cursed her as I fell out of bed, bleary eyed, and pain-killer-less, but by the time I got in the car and drove along the coast road to the stables, I was quite grateful to her. It's great to be up and about early (well, okay, so 9.30 isn't that early!).

The riding lesson was superb. I rode Henry, and was there early enough to tack him up for a change. We rode in the outside arena, and I was learning how to get his head to bend into the 20m circle we were tracing in the sand, and although I managed to get him to do that, while keeping hands and body 'still' (i.e. moving in time with Henry), my leg wasn't strong enough to stop in falling in, so our 20m circles were more like 10m shapes that have no name!

It wasn't all a disaster though. Without wanting to be too technical, I got him working in a lovely outline, and he never once tried to tank off with me! My instructor said that Henry was thinking to himself, "At last! She's sitting properly, and holding the reins properly, so I'll do exactly what I'm asked. I rode with my stirrups longer (as in dressage) which was weird at first but worked a treat.

Next week I'm going on a group hack with lots of people I've never met! It'll be 2 hours out, along the road for a short while, then onto a bridle path.

Gallops on the beach - Red Rum trained just up the coast a little!

Over the level crossing (that can be interesting, especially when lorries bumble over the lines, clanking and squeaking!), then up onto National Trust land, over the sand dunes and onto the beach for a gallop.

National Trust Red Squirrel Reserve Pinewoods (though we only canter along the bridle path bits obviously!)

Coming home we go through the pine woods, cantering up and down hills, ducking under low branches. I love it, but haven't been out for so long that I was starting to get nervous of it. That's why I'm going next week, before it's too late and I bottle out all together! Likewise with the old jumping, which I haven't done in ages either. So the week after, I'll be pairing up with Siobhan and getting to grips with some poles (starting on the ground!!!).

The Last Word is from Mock The Week!

Things You'll Never Read on Face Book

1. You have 0 friends.

2. Banksy has written on your wall.

3. Lord Lucan has updated his status.

4. Osama bin Laden is in Croydon.

5. Gordon Brown has left the group, 'Let's scrap the 10p tax band'.

Best Birthday So Far...

2008-10-30T22:19:00.001Z

Huge Bouquet from Aunty Ann

One of my younger cousins turned 21 a couple of weeks ago. In the morning she went up in a hot air balloon, in the afternoon she did a bungee jump over a ravine and a bridge swing, in the early evening she jumped out of a plane, and to cap it off, had a meal on a cruise yacht. On top of all this, she was in Australia! Of course my birthday was nowhere near as exciting, yet it was just as wonderful in other ways...

Firstly, I made it to 39, which in my position is a huge blessing. It's the first birthday in years I've not been depressed about aging! I've never been a birthday person, and tended to avoid doing anything for them. Secondly, I was overwhelmed by the amount of birthday wishes, greetings, emails, phone calls, and FB messages I received, and I feel truly blessed to have so many wonderful friends and family rooting for me.

Bramble doesn't do birthdays!

(New Earrings too! Silver Dream Catchers)

I also got some beautiful gifts: a healing quartz crystal pendant and another piece of quartz to put with my Buddha, loads of pamper stuff including the most fabulous Molton Brown smellies! I took my little one for a riding lesson so had lots of lovely horsey time too, and later hubby cooked a delicious evening meal. Also had lots of visitors and phone calls, so it was relaxed but very sociable. And thankfully I only had a few hours of pain, and didn't let it get me down (somehow!).

Out of interest, my last birthday in Spain was also wonderfully special. I wrote a little story about it that somehow ended up here.

Now I look forward to my 40th (and 50th etc.,) which I'm planning to spend with NeeNee in Mexico, with lots of horse-riding and swimming with dolphins :)

Almost as a belated birthday gift I got a call from the oncologist saying my tablets are ready for collection tomorrow morning - the gift of life I'm hoping - please keep fingers crossed (or better still visualise them working and curing me!).

Thanks to everyone who sent messages etc. You all helped to make it a wonderful day filled with hope and positivity and light. I owe you all one!

A fantastically horsey weekend

2008-10-27T11:44:00.007Z

Sunday Morning with Cas

I've had a cracking weekend, despite a bit of pain here and there. On Saturday I went to see our friends with the horses. I was supposed to be there for 9.15am and was sure I'd make it. I got up at 7 in plenty of time but the horrid tummy ache refused to budge until well after 9 o'clock. I ended up arriving at 11, just in time to put Cas out to graze as by then, she'd been ridden and the mare had been schooled on the lunge. Plus it started to rain. But you know, whereas a year ago I'd have been devastated, now I think to myself, "Never mind. There'll be other opportunities," and as it turned out we went up to Derby House (Equestrian shop) and I had a great time looking at all the lovely horsey things. I bought a sumptuous dusty pink fluffy fleece, and a fleece scarf, and D and I had a cup of tea (yes herbal for me!) and a piece of carrot cake (which has to be healthy as it is full of carrots!). So it turned out to be a good day, and I was out till after 5pm (a record since all this began!).

Thankfully, the clocks went back on Sunday morning, so the extra hour meant I was able to get to D's early enough. Cas and D were in the manège already, so all I had to do was pop my hat on, swallow my nerves, and hop on board. Now the last time I attempted to ride Cas, I had not a clue how to ride her, and my beginner's legs and hands sent her off all over the school in canter, complete with flying changes, the works. D had to put me on a lunge line after a couple of minutes. It was like putting a learner driver behind the wheel of a Formula 1!!!

So this time I was desperate to make a better impression, and at least no lunge line was called for! However, my 20 metre circle was more like a 15 metre quadrilateral, and as I settled a bit more and got to grips with the feel of her, we did achieve slightly rounder shapes! The main problem I have is that I need markers, and in an unfamiliar arena I have no markers. Once D made me a marker in the sand I did much better. And then we had our first canter and I made the same old same old bleedin' error of leaning forward and ever so slightly panicking at the speed (even though it isn't very fast to look at!) causing me to then pull on the reins. After a few more pointers from D I managed to have a few more canters that were nice and controlled. I think I've come a long way with my riding, as at least this time I was able to understand D's instructions and implement them! Plus, I've never ridden a horse that goes into such a lovely outline before, so riding a 'headless' horse was a new experience (you can't see an awful lot beyond the bottom of the neck when you sit up tall and straight, and look ahead to where you're going!).

Just realised, am in danger of being a terrible horse bore so enough of that - and just the pics!Working in Trot

After my lesson, I got to watch the mare being schooled under saddle - she's just learning so had a bit of a paddy when J first started working her. I was impressed by how skilful J and D are, and felt like a sponge, just soaking up all the new terminology, and matching what I was seeing to what I've been reading about for two years. And to top it off, J was able to sit on her for the first time, and because of all the work that's already been done, the mare was calm and quite happy, if not a little perplexed at having this lady up on top of her!

A Funny Thing Happened...

Later on when I was leaving a funny thing happened. D's property has a little track that leads to the road - about 3/4 of a mile - and there's a gate at the end. As I got closer, I could see two cars were parked infront of the gate. They appeared to be devoid of any life forms, so I got out of my car and walked towards the cars, looking around to see if anyone was.... and that's when I saw him. In the passenger seat. He was lying back as far as the seat would go, and appeared to be... nope, no appeared about it, he was somewhat hastily unbuttoning his jeans! That was when I saw her too - in the driver's seat, also lying down as far as the seat would recline, and she was tackling her own buttons!!!

You know when you just don't know what to do! I mean, this is well out of my normal realm of experiences.

I waved at them over the gate, but they were oblivious. Obviously occupied with sliding tight denim down over expectant hips, they didn't look up at all. And things were hurrying along at this point. I was running out of time! So I went back to my car and honked the horn - a few short bursts should do it, I thought. Nothing. Just more and more flesh being revealed. A slight film of condensation forming on the windows. So I frantically shouted over the gate, "Yoo hoo!" (Well what else do you say?!). A face draining of all colour stared at me through the windscreen. Another one joined it. "Do you know whose car that is?" I called over, pointing at the other car. She began buttoning up again with even more haste than the unbuttoning. He looked a bit pissed off at being disturbed, if I'm honest. Eventually he pulled up his pants with a irate shake of his head. "It's mine," he said. "The plot thickens," said I.

He scuttled off into his little blue Fiesta, as she pulled up her pants, and the seat, and turned the engine over. And then off they went. Only they went quite slowly as I caught them up even after opening and closing the gate! I followed them for quite a while before they both disappeared off into a side street in the next town. I don't know - 1 o'clock in the afternoon as well!!!

All in all a cracking weekend. Even the baby horsie came to say goodbye as I drove past her in the field (taken before the Gate Incident!)

Baby says Bye Bye through the car window!
9 months old already!
(You may remember her from her baby pics on the blog last year?)

More Bad News - But Not the End of the World!

2008-10-23T10:51:00.001+01:00

Okay. I've had a good cry, talked to a few wonderful people, and surprisingly - even to me - have bounced back again.

Failure is not an option. I choose life, thank you very much.

Basically, the scan that showed up the 2 tumours in the liver, has also thrown up another shadow, in the pancreas this time. Hence all the abdominal pains!

Doc said they were 90% certain that all 3 sites have the same cancer, but that a biopsy was the only way to know for sure, and even then, getting a sample is not always possible. The tears started to flow at that point. I shook my head. I can't go through that again - being awake in a scanner while they force a needle through my abdomen to take a chunk of liver out. We decided that we'd take it they were they same, i.e. secondaries as opposed to a new primary, and we'd see in the next scan what's going on.

*big sigh of relief*

The fantastic news is that I am getting the new tablet drug instead of IV chemo. The side effects are diarrhoea (in some people), and a rash ranging from a patch of dry skin on your leg, to full blown facial acne in others. Chemo was extreme nausea, hair loss, sitting in the chemo suite for hours on end... weeks lost to sickness and sleeping... constipation...

I am, as you can imagine, ecstatic that I'm having the tablet. My friend said last night, that the corner has been turned now - that I needed to focus on and believe that yesterday was the last of the bad news. I used to think I needed to be a realist all the time, but the more I read and learn through this experience, the more I understand that it is only by abandoning realism that miracles can happen. Without belief and that crazed faith in the impossible, no one would have ever tried to build the first submarine, or airplane, or any other technology. So sod realism, and those horrendous figures that say I should be sorting out my affairs. People have survived worse situations than mine, and no one can say how or why, but the one thing they all seem to share is an unbreakable belief that they would get well. I am already on the mend!

Of course it's not all positive thinking. We are what we eat and I need to make a few more dietary changes, start doing some fitness work, and organising my writing day. I great thing is that I can do all this now because once we get the pain sorted out, I'll have all the time in the world to crack on with fighting this disease.

Life is good. Diclofenac seems to sort out the pain in the abdomen sufficiently for me to get on with things, and I've even been invited over to my friend's house to watch them (and learn about!) working a horse under saddle, and may get to ride if I'm well enough, and the weather is okay. Hurrah!

Big Day Has Arrived Already

2008-10-22T12:40:00.001+01:00

It's that day again - Oncologist Day (or OD because I always end up overdosing on information). We have to go up to the hospital to the oncology dept, past the open chemo-suite where short-haired, or be-wigged patients will be sitting in high back chairs, their long suffering arms cradled on white pillows. Above their heads, plastic bags filled with clear innocuous looking fluids, will dangle from metal stands, connecting to winnowed veins via clear - we've got nothing to hide - IV lines that wind around their ~~victims patients~~ charges, delivering their cyto-toxic concoctions directly into bruised flesh. It all relies on the gravity of the situation.

Past the chemo-suite there is another room, shared between those who are coping less well with their treatments, and those who need blood tests. The doors are often closed here.

We will give my name into the Reception Desk, smile, go along the corridor to the waiting room, and wait. Sometimes we are seen quite quickly, but at other times we can wait an hour or so. Then I will try to do my breathing exercises inconspicuously, and people watch.

Waiting rooms are ideal places for people watching. Here the faces are mostly wrinkled with experience. I feel very young sitting their among them. When I've been with my parents, people have made the mistake of assuming one of them is the patient, not me. In all my visits I've only seen 3 or 4 people around my age (39/40). It's easy to feel cheated about this, but if I start to feel self-pity, I'll remind myself of all the children who are tucked away in other places, hooked up to their own IV-lines, and moreover the majority of these kids don't complain, or wallow in feeling sorry for themselves.

Anyway, we may or may not get talking to people while we wait. More usually I find the English reserve keeps a lot of people quietly locked in their own inner worlds, while I will talk to just about anyone! The only people I don't want to talk to are the ones who go on and on and on about everything that's wrong with them, and moan endlessly. They are usually the older people, and I want to say, "Please stop being so negative and miserable. You've lasted long enough to see your grandchildren grow up and get married! If I were in my 60s when this happened I'd be just as scared, in pain, etc., as I am now, but at least I'd be thinking, okay, I reached my 60s, and that's something to be thankful for! I'm praying I see 40 at this stage in the game."

Sometimes my assigned nurse will come to see me. She is lovely, and means well, but talks to me with that hideous tone of voice that should really be reserved for patients in their mid-90s who are in the closing stages of their lives and dementia. It's the voice that has poor, poor you! as its undertone, no matter what words are being spoken. She says, "How are you?" with a heavy sigh that says I know poor baby, it's terrible isn't it? Life is so unfair! I think she'd be devastated if she realised she did that, but how do you tell someone? Is it acceptable to say, "Look, you're a lovely woman and everything, but if you use that 'talking to the terminally ill voice on me one more time, I may just have to ride Henry to my next appointment and trample you to death in the car-park!!!"

Time's marching on. The hour is fast approaching. Chemo or tablet? That's the HUGE question. Nausea or no Nausea. Baldness or Acne? Intrusive IV line or Bitter pill to swallow? Existing harsher than harsh treatment or brand-spanking new not-even-half-as-bad-as-chemo treatment?

Watch this space!

Monday again

2008-10-20T10:33:00.003+01:00

It's been a challenging few days in terms of pain. Lots of horrendous stomach ache which is probably gall-bladder and/or pancreas related. Crazy. If it weren't for the bloody cancer, I'd have had the gall-bladder out at Christmas and not had to go through all of this crap! It seems to have it's own little time schedule too, this pain. It starts around 4 ish usually (though sometimes as early as 2pm) and lasts right through till 10 ish. There doesn't seem to be any connections with when I eat/take painkillers/etc., so I can't avoid it either. I'm just hoping it'll sort itself out again soon.

Not a lot gets done when you're doubled over in agony, but I did manage to get around the supermarket yesterday to buy ingredient for another ratatouille. Afterwards I went up to my cousin's house for a family get together, as my cousin L is over from Vancouver Island visiting. It's been lovely to see her - she's like a sister as I saw her and her siblings just about everyday until we emigrated to the UK. Unfortunately, by the time I got there the pain had started and soon kicked in with a vengeance. I ended up driving home, swearing rhythmically to ease the worst of it. Luckily, hubby to the rescue - cooked a fab ratatouille while I helpfully rocked back and forth with a hot wheat-pack!

I did make a few writerly decisions over the weekend:

- Have decided that whatever happens the PhD is something I want to do. I just need to know how elastic the deadlines can be given my health. For example, can I be excused for not making it to any research meetings? I miss studying! Can you believe that? (I never really stopped studying though, just switched to equestrian reading and research!)

- Am going to start submitting work again this week. Mslexia dropped through the door and inspired me again. If there's one single activity that has helped me get through it's been writing about it. Most cathartic.

Facebook has been quite interesting these past few week as well. A strange little place I still can't get my head around. I never know what to do with all those invitations, for example. I don't want to be a vampire, or poke people en-mass! I started having a green patch but it quickly became the bane of my life (even more annoying than cancer!) - either the deer were eating all the plants, or the rabbit were digging holes and needed feeding, or I had to go to the 'shop;' and buy things like rakes, shovels, and animal feed! Even when you start clicking 'ignore' you'll find yourself spending hours a day clicking ignore to endless invitations. Still, it is nice to be thought of!

It's also a bit stalkerish - the way you can see what everyone's been doing, follow their comments and conversations, see who they've been super-poking and throwing sheep at. My husband is currently racing motorbikes - although you never get to the bikes actually race, you just click and the next screen tells you who won! Now figure that one out! The chat facility is odd too. I log in and it says 10 people, but when I click to see who they are the number becomes a 1! I've only managed to speak to one person on it so far! Am I slightly paranoid in thinking people log off because I've logged in?!!! MSN is much more my cup of tea!

What is is good for, is finding people you've lost touch with. I'm one of those people who has no problem phoning someone after 20 years and saying, 'Hello! Remember me?' I've moved around so much, and had the privilege to meet so many fantastic people, that there's still loads of people I'd like to catch up with. Of course it's embarrassing sometimes (I was strange, unconfident, unaccomplished, unmade back then) but it's also been good to discover that despite being all fucked up, I was still a good person, and people haven't minded me calling them out the blue. Over the past few weeks, I've had lovely long telephone conversations, filled with warmth and happiness, shared memories of the past and plenty of laughter. So facebook does have it's uses besides helping writers (and everyone else) to procrastinate just a few minutes longer. Well, I have 6 new notifications and it'd be rude not to at least take a peek at them!!!

Heard a lovely quote today:

2008-10-18T01:06:00.001+01:00

"Don't cry because it's over,

Smile because it happened."

Dr. Seuss

the health fair...

2008-10-13T10:14:00.004+01:00

Health Food

I went to a health fair on Saturday. I didn't know what to expect to be honest, never having gone to anything like that before. I wanted to find some good recipes that use the foods I'm supposed to be eating at the moment (vegan basically, with a bit of raw food diet thrown in). Unfortunately, I'm also avoiding sugar as much as possible, and you be bloody amazed at how much 'healthy' stuff is full of sugar, and that's before you even look at the foods' natural sugar contents!

But Louise Hay reckons we should listen to our body and feed it well, that all of the 'for health diets' have cured someone or other. It doesn't matter which one apparently. So I ate the free sample of vegan banana loaf (with the added sugar) and it was delicious!

So the fair was chock full of foody stalls, all claiming that their food or supplement was the best that money could buy/could be found in the UK/Europe, The World. There were huge claims for supplements; they cured everything apparently, for an average of £45 a month per miracle potion. One wonders why anyone ever gets ill or dies at all, if we are to believe all of these claims!

And there was a talk on cancer: an alternative approach. It was a bit disappointing to tell the truth. He went on about how his wife cured herself of breast cancer with foods, supplements, and positive thinking (that was good - I was interested now). He said all the same stuff that I'd found on the net, some of which has been heavily refuted on other sites. But then he went on about allopathic medicines (your chemo and such like - normal Western treatments), and how no one should use them, how damaging they are. Which of course makes you feel just great when you've had it already! Plus, on the way out some man accosted me with, "He's full of shit, that fella. People like him should be shot!"

Hmm. I think we'll go with the allopathic AND the naturopathic thank you! The middle way, and all that.

I did get lots of free samples of natural soaps, vitamin tablets etc., and half a forest worth of leaflets.

Natural: Funny word. Surely everything is natural?! Okay, so meaning not-man made. Even so, arsenic and cyanide are natural, so are lead, mercury, and radio-activity!

Health Food: Another funny one. Isn't 'food' meant to be healthy? Isn't it odd that we have 'junk-food' and 'fast-food', and 'processed-food' - all stuff we eat without thinking twice, and yet these substances have very little 'food' left in them!

Trouble is, the stuff that is full of food (vitamins, enzymes, minerals etc.) tastes so different to what my Western palate is used to. I've been struggling to finish my meals for the past few weeks, getting slimmer by the day. I couldn't come up with any ideas at all, and then little 'un picked up and aubergine in the supermarket yetserday, and asked what it was. I was inspired! Ratatouille! Why didn't I think of it sooner? So last night I sat and wolfed down my wild rice and organic, home-made ratatouille - fantastic! Any other recipe ideas gratefully received!!!

Right. Off to write!

P.S.

Am going into uni tomorrow lunch time, so will be in the SCR if anyone fancies saying hello!

quick post today

2008-10-10T15:17:00.002+01:00

A quickie post today, I'm afraid, as kids nearly home from school.

It's been a great couple of days. Even the lung nurse phoning me to tell me my pancreas 'might' be enlarged, hasn't quelled my zest for life! I thanked her, hung up the phone and went riding with a big old smile on my face. This positive thinking stuff really makes a difference, eh!

Yesterday, I took K to school for the first time in a year (last Oct when I came of sick). She was so happy that I'm going to take her every other day next week, and then as often as I can. I also had a cracking ride on Henry - getting those transitions much more smooth again, and getting over losing my nerve - he tanked off again, and I had no panic at all! Am slowly but surely getting back to where I was before - next things to do are a) hack on the beach b) jumping again and c) getting to the stables more and hanging around to help out a bit - yes okay - I won't overdo it!!! Yesterday I stayed on to watch one of the staff lunging her horse - learned loads! After I went for Bowen and got home at 4ish, absolutely wiped out! Ended up sleeping for most of the evening.

But today feel great again. Have had healthy porridge, fruit, and watched a dvd by Louise Hay - she wrote You Can Heal Your Life which I bought years ago and still have on the shelf. My dad got me the dvd and it was like OMG why didn't I take notice of this when I first bought it. But you know, sometimes we just aren't ready for the information. I am obviously one of those people who need a sharp kick between the eyes before making real and lasting changes!

So now I fill my mind with good, positive thoughts. I tell myself I am healthy and strong constantly throughout the day, and whether or not it is coincidence doesn't matter - I feel stronger in the last 2 weeks than I have since the whole thing started last year. I feel more joyous. I appreciate life much much more, and I appreciate my body. I could wish I'd done all this years ago, but no point kicking myself either. The situation is obviously one the universe thinks I needed. Now I need good health, courage and strength!

And I'm still working on the novel too! Gosh. Success all round.

(Although I didn't go swimming today - oops. But I still haven't had any meat, sugar, eggs, or processed food in a fortnight! Or a brew!)

Herbal tea grows on you! Honest.

And I'm on to my 2nd lot of germinating seeds/sprouts - growing them that is. Now all I have to do is eat them all up!!!

In Search of Motivation/Digging Deep

2008-10-08T13:39:00.001+01:00

It's been a week of deciding to do things, but also of procrastination, I'm afraid! A week of listening to Cds, and of reading books.

So I decided;

to start swimming again
to do some writing
to be more active and get out and do things
to eat properly - working toward the full Ph Diet

However;

have only got as far as digging out my swim suit and gym membership card - concerted effort to start Friday morning
have so far only managed a couple 100 words or so
Monday I made a few phone calls (although forgot to ring J back and she wasn't in on Tuesday), and did the food shopping. Tuesday I did very little. No excuses. Today I have to wait in for the Sky people to come back and sort out the mess they made of the wiring first time around.
haven't eaten meat in 2 weeks, nor chocolate, nor sugar, nor white bread - or white anything come to think of it! I have had dairy in the form of butter, and milk on cereal, but today I just ate fruit until lunch time, so avoided it. I've not needed laxatives in 2 weeks, and am getting hardly any break through pain in the evenings.

So far, I'm feeling fantastic, it must be said. In fact, why on earth am I sitting around all day when I feel this great?!

I've been listening to some Cds by a bloke called Tony Robbins - change your life in a week stuff! I wouldn't normally bother with all this self help/self analysis stuff, but L sent it, so I had to listen. I'm half way through. Some of the stuff he says;

Have an hour of power every day. This is your first hour of the day where you give yourself time to focus on goals, do visualisations, meditate, etc., and you must make it like an appointment with a very special person who you wouldn't let down. (I'm a crap friend - have so far failed to turn up to the first meeting!)
Psychology starts with physiology. In other words, if you sit slumped and downward looking, you'll feel that way too. (This one works!)
He lists all the excuses we make for ourselves:

I'll do it tomorrow - tomorrow never comes
I'll do it after I do x, y, z/I'm too busy right now
I'll just think about it some more and then I'll do it.
etc.

Visualise what you want in your life, focus on what you want, and push thoughts of what you don't want, out of your mind altogether.
Get fit and active again if you've let that slide, some of us since childhood! Love your body by feeding it right, and keeping it oiled and active.
To make a start, just tell yourself you'll just do 10 minutes. We are assured that once we get started we'll usually end up doing more (well, that's been true for this blog post!)

Bugger! I am all inspired now and want to jump in the car and head for the pool, but I can't bloody well go out till the Sky people come. And the kids are home at 3.30. I need to bottle this feeling and when I get up in the morning, I can drink it up. Then I'll do my hour of power, have fruit for breakfast, and go riding. And when I get home I'll do some writing before Bowen Therapy.

(Voice in head says, "Yeah Right! Ha ha ha! Don't make laugh! You'll stay up all night again playing solitaire while listening to the radio, and struggle to be out of bed for 9 am!")

I have faith in me! I can do this change your life thing! I have nothing to lose and everything to gain! The sad thing is, I had decided to make all these changes a year and half ago, when I started running and swimming, and getting fit. Only I didn't realise the cancer had already started - and I had left it too late to prevent it. So now I just gotta reverse it again. Pick up from where I left off. Keep going. keep fighting.

What the Oncologist said, Part IV

2008-10-02T10:27:00.003+01:00

Sunflowers from Julie

I got a beautiful photo through the post yesterday, from Lesley. It was a moment caught on film, as the sun begins to rise over the sea, gently throwing its light over jagged, snow covered crags softening them. On the back she had written, "It's always darkest before the dawn." And she was right.

The dark bit has been the last few weeks, carrying the heartbreaking news of what was happening in my body, wondering what on earth the oncologist was going to say to me. Would he just send me home to die, I asked myself, and if so how would I deal with that one? But the dawn did come, and things were not as bad as I had thought. (It's still not fantastic, of course, but better than the worse case scenario above.

The oncologist said:

1. The lung tumor has reduced, and the lymph node is no longer visible! For me this means that the radiotherapy was not a waste of time, and that means a lot psychologically.
2. The 2 newbies are small (17mm the largest), but he used the word virulent which probably isn't great. The liver can still function as long as 50% of it is clear though.
3. I have the option of more chemotherapy (Taxotere) or possibly a new tablet called Tarceva.
4. I don't think he's thinking of curing me, rather keeping me alive as long as he can. If I can make 5 years I stand a good chance of making it a lot longer. I've already done a year.
5. The miracle alkalising powder/liquid zeolite seems to be a hoax/sham from reading the forums where loads of people have tried it and it hasn't done a thing.
6. He said changing my diet to a more healthy one is something I can try, as long as I don't get so miserable with food I hate that I stop eating!
7. The glimmer of hope - People have survived this, and worse. Okay, so the percentage is miniscule, but it is not impossible.
8. I intend to beat this and get my body and my life back, starting today with some horse riding and Bowen Therapy. Oh and lots of water, herbal teas, and stuff that looks like it came from the bottom of a bird cage!!!

Thanks again to everyone who has texted/called/visited/etc., and just generally supported me through what has been a somewhat, er... difficult time!

Dealing with Emotions

2008-09-30T12:13:00.001+01:00

I haven't blogged much this past week - I needed to distance myself enough from all the fear and sadness I've been experiencing in order to be able to write about it.

It's been a tough week or so, since I got that unexpected/unforeseen scan update. I've been through every emotion under the sun, from absolute terror, to total devastation, and then back to positive and strong, and back again. The interesting thing about all this for me, has been the role my mind has played.

The mind really is like the naughty child the Buddhists say it is! It seems to wait for a quiet moment and then start to wiggle its way in with negative thoughts. I've had to really keep an eye on my thoughts, and be ready to counter the negative ones the moment they arrive. So far it's been working and I've only had two occasions when I've had to phone my dad and get him to come and talk to me (as negative thoughts take hold and spiral out of control.)

On the plus side, I feel supported and loved by so many people, and really don't know what I ever did to deserve it! They had a collection at work for me, to help with the costs of Bowen Therapy - which is really helping me so much, emotionally and physically. I cried (in a good way!) when Babs came over and told me. Thank you so much, all of you in the English Department at Edge Hill - you have no idea how much your gift means to me.

I'm starting to see myself healthy and strong again, healthier than I've ever been before perhaps. I am trying to visualise that - to really reach out and touch it as though it's real, and then maybe it will become real. My rational, academic mind tries to but in often with thoughts of, "you're just kidding yourself - clutching at straws, love," but I've seen how negative thoughts perpetuate and aggravate situations in my own life, and that of others. If it works negatively, it stands to reason that thinking positively also must attract more of the same too!

Also, the whole approach to food as medicine has given me lots to think about too. I feel as though I'm actually taking control back of the situation. Since the new regime I've been going to the loo normally for 5 days now without any laxatives at all! I feel more energetic than I have in a year. And that's only after 5 days (of small changes too - I haven't even started on the full on program yet! Just cut out meat, dairy, processed foods etc, and started drinking more water, herbal/fruit teas, eating sprouted beans, brown rice, seeds and dried fruit, and a whole host of stuff I've never heard of before is waiting in the kitchen to be prepared!!! My taste buds are upset and beg for chocolate and tea with milk and sugar! I watched the family sit down last night to fresh lamb steaks, while I munched away on raw sprouted beans, lightly fried stir fry veg (2 mins in olive oil), short grain brown rice, and a sauce made of butternut squash, red onion and red pepper. Hmm. But I will get used to it, and my body seems to love it. For breakfast this morning I had 100ml of wheat-grass juice with algae in it (not as bad as it sounds!), seeds, nuts, dried fruit and a half cheat with 2 pieces of whole-grain seeded brown bread toasted. The diet is called The Ph Miracle and is so complicated, but I'm getting there!

Today is a lovely day. The rain is pouring and the wind is shaking the trees outside, and I am warm and safe in my living room, talking to whoever reads this, and hoping that the message gets through - that no matter how bad things are, it is possible to scrape yourself up off the floor and be happy again, and it doesn't matter if you collapse now and again, if the wicked thoughts take over, as long as you nip them in the bud or have someone who can help you when they've taken hold!

Doc tomorrow. No idea what he will say, but I've booked Bowen the day after, and horse riding, to help me get through it, whatever he says.

A New Way of Eating

2008-09-28T12:18:00.002+01:00

One of the main ways to restore my health is through diet, so this week I've been thinking, and reading lots, about food. It makes for quite frightening reading - that most of our western diet is actually non-food! Apparently our daily intake should be divided in an 80/20 split, with 80% fresh vegetables (lightly steamed or even better, raw), fruit (as with veg), sprouts (as in water cress sprouts etc.), brown rice, unprocessed foods, seeds, grains, nuts, and so on. The 20% is for meats (if you must but better not to), dairy (though again, not recommended), oily fish, and so on.

I don't know about you but my diet, even though we cook from scratch mostly, is still appalling in terms of the 'healthy' eating rules!

But all that is changing, albeit a bit slowly. I have to make my taste buds change to accept soya milk, and to change over to herbal teas. No more sugars, saturated fats, meats, or junky, processed foods.
____________________________________________________

Apart from learning about food, I went horse riding again, and have been mostly positive and up. I am certain that the day is coming when everything will be back to normal!

Hangin' in there...

2008-09-23T23:30:00.002+01:00

I had Bowen again today and can honestly say it is the most relaxed and positive I have ever been in my life! I was on cloud 9 afterwards, and skipped out of there, joyous to see the sunshine and 100% confident that I can beat this.

I did slip back, however, on meeting some people who don't know the scan results, and in telling them I found myself getting tearful and afraid again. It also makes me sad to see that other people are frightened and upset by the whole thing too.

But I have managed to turn it around again. I've been looking at the stuff listed on a site (cancer fighting strategies) with alternative strategies, and am now researching further into these. The main things that keep turning up from a billion sources are;

- making the body alkaline through diet, liquid zeolite, or both (cancer loves acidic environments)
- getting more oxygen into the cells (cancer loves low levels of O2)
- killing of the fungi and bacteria that flourish in a low O2/high acidity environment (diet/supplements)
- re-introducing the good bacteria (through pro-biotics and diet)
- using positive mental strategies as outlined in The Secret and in countless other sources (to believe it, see it, visualise it gone and the body left with perfect health)

I'm not giving up by any means. I've just seen and heard too many stories of people curing themselves with the above methods that I cannot just dismiss it out of turn as my doctors appear to. One doctor actually told me that a change in diet wouldn't make any difference whatsoever (what? to anything? Changing to a high fibre diet has already sorted out most of my stomach problems and that was recommended by a dietician!)

Riding tomorrow and some visitors, which will be nice, and I also have my birth uncle over from Canada until Saturday, and enjoying that loads! I even made it to the Anglican Cathedral in Liverpool yesterday - although I had to leave U. B. and hubby to make their own way home as there was more they wanted to do (Beatles shop/The Cavern etc.,) and I was starting to be tired and in pain. But the point is I drove there and back, had a reasonably good day, and am feeling very positive again!

Righto. Still got a broken Sky box, so off to watch 'Lost in Austin' on ITV's catch up web service!

Today is the first day of my new life.

2008-09-20T13:45:00.002+01:00

Thank you to everyone who has supported me through this past year or so (my, is it really that long already - how time flies when you're having treatment!). It's been a long road, and I obviously either didn't;
a) learn the lesson I was supposed to learn or
b) focus enough on the positive or
c) manage to rid myself of the stress, negative thinking patterns, or past traumas that attracted the illness to me in the first place.

Or a combination of all 3!

I got up this morning and when I reached the kitchen I found myself becoming very angry and stressed about the mess. It was only after I'd cleared most of the mess, loaded the dishwasher, and made a brew that I suddenly stopped and asked myself why was I upset, and what was I really upset about. The kitchen? Or perhaps yesterday's diagnosis?!!! It was just my mind being naughty, and focusing on the negative again.

So I got out The Secret, and re-read the chapter on Healing. I reminded myself that every cell in the body is replaced regularly, so that in 7 years, not a single atom in you will be the same. I reminded myself of how fantastic I feel, and repeated over and over in my head "I feel fantastic. I am healing. Thank you for my healing." I read about the placebo effect again, whereby a patient is healed despite the fact that the medicine they received was only water, or a sugar pill. Their mind healed them. I read all the cases of patients who have healed themselves by picturing themselves well again, every second of every day. Within a short time (still had tea left in the cup!) I felt positive, safe, and confident that I am going to be perfectly okay.

The Secret also talks about the importance of not talking about the condition. The teaching is that to discuss the illness gives it attention, and attracts more of the same, because (and I believe this and have found it to be true throughout my life) that what we think about and focus on is what we receive more of. The universe, or God, or cosmic energy - whatever you want to call it, has no concept of 'good' and 'bad' and so it will provide us with what we want (that is what we focus on with our minds).- So I've decided that once the news is shared (as in yesterday's blog post and countless phone calls to the non-bloggers!) I don't want to talk about it anymore. Don't want to give it any energy or attention, or thoughts.

I blogged about this in the past - the old "How are you?" chestnut. Some people took it to mean that I didn't want people to ask how I am, but that wasn't what I meant. What I meant was that when we ring someone up to see how they are (which is lovely, and needed, and truly appreciated), we need to accept their answer and not keep asking questions, and/or dwelling on the illness or whatever problem it is they are having - and I have been guilty of this myself in the past, when all I wanted was to provide a sympathetic ear. But now I'm in this little predicament, and now that I understand the need to be positive in all my thoughts, I realise that talking about things endlessly, is not the answer.

So I think it's a case of ask how people are doing, and be there if they want/need to talk, but when the talking is done, move on to normal things!

A final note: My dad is the best. He calls and says how are you, and is there if i need to talk, but he also understands the importance of not giving these negative things any attention, so he will quickly move on to talk about when my next riding lesson is, or what I've been up to. He reminds me that I can do this, can change it all around and make my body healthy again by thinking positive thoughts, and focusing on perfect health, goodtimes, and more perfect health!

So have a great day - I'm going to!

Si quieres llegar a la cima...

2008-09-19T17:06:00.001+01:00

...tienes que empezar al fondo.

It's a funny old thing, life (or perhaps it's more 'sentience' than life itself). No matter how close to the bottom you think you are, there always seems to be just a little more descent left to fall down.

I thought I'd reached the bottom and was on my way back up again, but then I went to see the doc. And she was acting very strangely.

I was full of beans this morning, going on about how much better I feel, and all the improvements etc., and yet she had that look on her face - a mixture of pity and sorrow. It was the expression of one who knows something you do not, and who wishes they did not know.

So I said, "Go on. What is it?" and she said, "When do you see Dr. E (the oncologist)?" I said not for another two weeks, why? Her face began to crumble under the weight of her knowledge. She shook her head and wrung her hands a bit more, which, to be honest, was a tad disconcerting. I've never seen her look even remotely phased before.

Then I saw pictures on her pc of a scan, and I knew it was mine. "What have you found?" I asked. She doesn't want to tell me. She's looking at me like so many doctors must have looked at so many patients before. I'm waiting for the "I'm so sorry but..." line.

Okay. Deep breath. Do not freak out. Bad news is a-comin' but I can take it. Bring it on...

There's two more shadows turned up, 17mm in size, only in the liver this time. The good news is that it'll be the same cells as in the lung - non-small cell, slow growing. She said cancer doesn't spread like a train, moving from point A to point B over time, but rather like a star-burst, it radiates throughout the entire body from the start, and then lies dormant, or grows, or whatever it does, over time. At least that's how I understand it - I could be confused/mistaken but will let you know as I find out!

She said it was also good news that I was feeling so well in myself, because if these two newbies were very active, I'd be feeling really crap and unable to do anything. They probably won't cut it out, but treat it with chemo - say may yet end up bald. And it explains the pains I'm having in my abdomen too.

My head is trying its best to remain positive - to keep focused on all the people who have beaten their cancers and other life-threatening illnesses even when the prognosis (and indeed the disease) was far worse than mine. So I need to stay positive. After all, I've worked so hard these last two weeks to turn my head around, to stop with the sliding into acceptance that it was gonna be game over. I may have lost a match but the game is most definitely NOT over!

As I said in the very beginning of this post;

If you want to reach the top, you have to start at the bottom - I just hope this really is the bottom at last!

Inspiration comes from the most unexpected places...

2008-09-16T23:42:00.004+01:00

It's been another good day, or days, or however long it is since I last posted!

I had my CT-scan today, and it may be coincidence but I went along in a purposeful, positive state of mind, and it all went very smoothly and quickly. When the guy (who always makes holes in me before calling for help) said, "I remember you! You're the vein lady!" I stayed calm and jokingly (well semi-jokingly!) said I hoped he'd improved since last time, to which he replied it was my fault. But I'm reading A New Earth: Awakening to your life's purpose (Eckhart Tolle), and The Secret (again!), so I just concentrated on my breathing and accepted whatever happened. He didn't get the line in first time, and it was sited badly so really hurt, but the stomach pains have been far worse, so I kept on breathing. As you do.

Bowen Therapy was really good on Monday. Again, I don't know if it's coincidence, but I'm really feeling the benefit. Today I had no pain at all until around 4-ish, and even then it was quite mild. I ate and it subsided even more, and I got to 10 pm before I realised I'd forgotten to take my 8 o'clock pain killers! Good stuff - am so grateful! Not least because my first two Bowen sessions have been paid for me, by two wonderful people. You know who you are - thank you so much.

This morning, Desi rang me from Spain and we had a long chat. It's weird, but while I was so low over the past few months, I didn't see much of anyone, but now I'm back to embracing life, and reminding myself to avoid wallowing; to be grateful for every moment, and to seek the best in everything, the phone hasn't stopped ringing! I even got a call from a girl I went to music college with, whom I haven't spoken to since 1987! That was lovely. She found me through Friend's Re-united which was a shock because I'd forgotten I'd listed myself there!

Riding tomorrow - woohoo! I even feel like writing again, and can see the book finished in my mind. You know, it really is going to happen! I'm so excited - I'll get well, I'll finish my book, and I'll get as good as I can get with the hay-eaters!

And now for the inspiration - hubby showed me this and I just had to share it with you. Whenever I feel like I can't do something, and blame limitations, I'm going to come back and watch this wee vid. Ay! Phenomenal!

A Good Week

2008-09-16T00:25:00.001+01:00

I've been meaning to blog all week but somehow didn't get around to it! I had a weird couple of days after the Bowen Therapy; headaches, pain worsening in stomach and shoulder, yet very content and positive in terms of the mind. The therapist said that for three days after, physical symptoms may be worse, and to expect headaches too.

Cookers

By Saturday morning though, everything felt much better physically. We went out looking for a replacement cooker as our oven died a few weeks ago. 'The man' said it'd be £200 to fix and at 14 years old, would probably break somewhere else, so it'd make more sense to buy a new one. I hate the way nothing is built to last anymore and was pleased with our 14 year old cooker, but I had to accept it was the scrap heap for the poor thing.

Have you seen the price of cookers???!!! Ours has two ovens, a grill, timer and self-cleaning liners (a must!) so to replace all that came in at £550. Nearly had a heart attack. We went to the nearest retail park and found the £550 cooker for £450 in the shop next door, and then later in the evening, went online and found it for £350! It really does pay to do a bit of research before you buy, eh.

Riding

Coming on, coming on! Had another jumping lesson on Siobhan again, and am getting my confidence back now that my seat is far more secure. I was quite tired though, but maybe that was due to having the Bowen a couple of days prior. I'd had enough by the end of the lesson - put it that way! I'm going to start helping out the minute I can physically handle more than a couple of hours of activity!

Scan Tomorrow

Results at the beginning of October.

The rest of it...

I've been out visiting! Can you believe it?! Actually got out of my house and went to someone else's house! Been catching up with lots of people I didn't see over the summer too, as they were either away or busy with kids. J brought me some lovely home-made apple chutney (yum yum!), and I had a phone call from someone I went to music college with in 1986/7! She found me listed on friend's re-united and emailed me last week. That was lovely. And I have a birth relative coming to stay for a few days while on a business trip - so very excited and imagining myself well so that I can be active and able to go out, (or even just get off the sofa would be a good start!) when he's here.

Yup. It has been, all in all, a good week. A very good week, and I've a feeling there'll be more good weeks to come!

Now I better get to bed before my husband thinks I've fallen asleep on the couch. Again!

The F-Word

2008-09-10T14:27:00.006+01:00

Got sent this today and it made me smile!

5 Cases When It's Okay to Use the F-Word:

Not that I ever needed much of an excuse ;-)

A new leaf

2008-09-09T11:51:00.004+01:00

I don't know what happened to my thinking over the last few months - since radiotherapy and all the trauma that it resulted in - but I lost my positive outlook somewhere along the line, and I need to get that back.

Of course I do realise that when a person is so ill that they can't get off the sofa all day, is unable to get out of the house more than once or twice a week, and hardly sees another living being, they're bound to sink into a bit of a depression! Add to that the diagnosis of such a life threatening disease, and the pain that grips my heart whenever my naughty mind suggests I might not make it to see my kids grow up, and you have a recipe for disaster.

So I've decided I need to make some changes. Rapidly. (Actually it's more down to a very long talk (in between the sobs and tears) with Nee, and this morning with my father.) But the talking is done now, and I need to take action. So I have a plan.

1. Restore my faith in my body and mind.
I have an appointment today to have Bowen Therapy, and while I don't know much about it, it takes a holistic approach, and works on the principle that the body can heal itself. This is important because I do believe that 99% of fighting this disease is in the mind. I kind of lost sight of all this somewhere between the vomiting and 14 hour stretches of severe stomach cramping!

2. Get out of the house more.
I've been stuck on the sofa and/or otherwise incapacitated for too long now - since RT started at the end of April to be exact. It's a long day when you are in the house alone. I need to push myself more and start swimming again. I am hoping to get my fitness up enough to be able to hang around the riding school and help out with the horses a bit.

3. Write.
I haven't written a thing. I keep getting phone calls from well wishing folk, asking me if I've written anything for my novel. I've thought, "Are you taking the piss?! When, exactly, do you think I've been up to writing?" But I do want to write. The thing is I've been becoming more and more paralysed by the fear of the disease and the unknowns of the future etc., so I need to work on no's 1 and 2, and hopefully the writing will come. Then I can stop the cycle of guilt that I haven't written, which makes me more depressed, which means I don't write for even longer...

4. Get a new Life.
Okay, so I lost my life. Big Deal. I need to get over it. So what if I can't teach any more. Okay, so I'm heartbroken over it. I miss the classroom, the students, and I admit it, the kudos of being a university lecturer. It was part of my identity, and it's been taken away. I feel robbed. But I'm just gonna have to get over it, and get a new life. I've had a letter about fees for my PhD, so there's another thing that may come to an end. Fees were waived in the past because of the hours I taught, so it looks as though the uni will want me to pay fees now that I'm not working. But of course, not working means I can't afford to pay them anymore. I have very limited resources now, and if it's a choice between riding lessons and a PhD, there's no question as to which choice is the more beneficial! As my exceedingly astute 15 year old daughter said last night, I know I am capable so I can stop trying to prove something all the time, and I don't need a PhD to write a novel, do I? If anything, it may be easier to get on with the writing if I don't have all the theoretical/academic stuff to worry about!

So a new life with horses perhaps. A new life where I write full time, get out more, be more positive. I need to learn to say to friends and family that I can't handle talking about anything to do with this illness, or anything negative right now. It's back to the old, 'How are you?' question again. I need to be able to say, "fine" and leave it at that, because otherwise I end up talking about all the stuff that's going wrong with my body, and focusing on the illness, when what I need to focus on is that fact that I am still here. I am still alive after 12 months. I need to focus on the positive because if I don't, I've a strong (and terrifying) feeling that I won't make it, that I'll succumb and lose all my fight... which brings me to...

5. Keep fighting (and believing).
I should say 'start fighting again' really, as I haven't had much fight lately. So I need to fight fight fight all the way. I don't need 'realism' and I need belief in miracles. I don't need to hear the medics and nurses telling me that there are no guarantees - I know that, and it doesn't help hearing it all the bloody time.

Righto. I expect everyone to give me firm kick up the backside whenever I get negative. I want to focus on the positive, believe, and fight. I refuse to roll over and let this thing get my mind or my body.

So there!

Fall, not falling off, and the end of BB9

2008-09-05T12:59:00.001+01:00

Autumn is here. The scent of it hangs in the air, deliciously crisp and fresh. When I was a child growing up in Canada, it was called Fall, presumably because the leaves fall off the trees. But it is also the fall of summer, the end of a year long cycle of birth through to death. So whilst I love the summer, the spring, and even winter, I think the Fall is my favourite.

Autumn is also the time I love to write the most. The weather is still gentle, the rains wash away the stifling heat (usually!) of the summer, and it's good to be all cosied up in the house, in front of the patio doors, looking out into a garden alive with intense colour. I become melancholy but in a good way - a time to reminisce and to write about it. This year is particularly strange and melancholy because I'm not going back to work, the scan is on the 16th to see if the RT worked/didn't work/how much it worked, and I see the oncologist on Oct 1st. A scary time. And the children have returned to school, the day has a pattern again, a natural rhythm that I can fall into. I'm hoping it will be a good time to crack on with my work, and to finish my novel.

And of course Big Brother finishes tonight, so will have to find something else to occupy my days, especially now (fingers crossed) when my stomach seems to be sorting itself out.

Riding

I had a fantastic lesson yesterday, despite torrential rain and the horse refusing to walk across a flooded yard to the indoor school! Siobhan had her ears pinned back but eventually settled down.

I've been reading a lot lately about jumping techniques and cross country, and realised that I didn't have an independent seat at all when it came to jumping positions. So I asked my teacher if we could work on that in order to get my confidence back. I spent 45 minutes learning how to balance in a cross country seat, and it all started to fall into place. Fab. The best bit was when I was asked to get Siobhan to jump over the pole on the ground, and to tell her when to take off. I thought, how the hell do you do that? But S is such a good teacher that I managed to get it second time around. Funny - there seems to be no relationship whatever between what we learn in the early stages of riding, to what we learn further down the line, but I love that it's so technical, so physically challenging, and so enjoyable. Oh dear, I am truly a horse freak now!

Big Brother 9 Final

It's Friday and the last day of BB9. Who wins? You decide (because I'm too tight to pay the costs of a vote!).

This year's series has been more inspirational than previous years. They seem to have gotten rid of the idiots early on - the violent ones, the fame seekers, the shallow and the depraved. The tasks have been interesting, and Big Bro has been quicker off the mark to stamp out unacceptable behaviour (probably since all the furore over Jade and Shilpa Shetty in Celeb Big Bro). The range of people has been far wider this year, in terms of age, place of origin, and character, and that's made all the difference for me, because of course I only watch it to study the interaction/psychological side of people for my writing (and if you believe that you'll believe anything lol).

I think we've been left with a lovely bunch of people this year; Darnell with his 'potty mouth', and issues of not fitting in (reminds me of myself when I was younger except I was more sad than angry), Rachel with her 'Disneyesque' character (so what if she is simply a nice person?!), Rex, whose arrogance and plain speaking is actually quite endearing now (although what was going on with him and Nicole - a co-dependent relationship if I ever I saw one), Mikey who is extremely funny and has a wicked sense of humour (although I'd probably kill him if I had to live with him), and last but not least, Sarah the Aussie who genuinely doesn't seem to realise that she's really leading poor Darnell on all the time with her flirting (and who has already won £25 grand). I'm struggling to pick a winner, feeling they all deserve it pretty much, but Rex says he'd give the money to charity (so not him - I want it to make a real difference for whoever wins it), and Sarah has cash now... I think... er... mmm... okay - Darnell. I'll go with Darnell to win!

Autumn's Coming but Life is Great

2008-09-02T00:20:00.002+01:00

After more days of hideous stomach pains, today I woke up pain free. I can't tell you what a joy that is, to wake up and not be in pain... something I never even considered before!

Pain pain pain
I saw the surgeon who first found the tumour (he was going to do my gallstone op that was then cancelled due to the tumour). He checked me over and doesn't seem to think it's anything serious - just a combination of drugs causing constipation. So have to take Movicol everyday now, and experiment with the dose till I get it right. I dunno what's going on. Thursday I was in too much pain to ride, and Friday/Saturday I had no pain at all. Sunday it started at 7.30 am and lasted till 11pm. I can't find a pattern to it, or identify a source/reason. Today I've been fine again all day, despite not being able to go to the loo 'properly'.

Back on ma horsey!
Anyway, today was superb - I had another joint lesson with the Little One. K got to have her first canter (with the teacher leading her pony), and I rode Henry. Great lesson for us both. K is starting to get a feel for rising trot now, and isn't holding the saddle any more. I've been working on my transitions, and controlling Henry's speed (learning how to prevent him grabbing hold of the bit and careering off with me. I'm finally starting to develop 'feel', to know what the horse is doing underneath me - where the feet are, straightness, bend and all that. It's getting soooo technical, and I love it. Not only that, but it gives me a boost physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Listed 17th in Blog list
I got an email a while back, but been so ill I never got around to mentioning it - apparently my little blog is listed as being 17th in the Lexiophiles top 100 Language Blogs. Quite cool, eh, (I think?). Also got an award from one of you lovely people, but again, been so out the game I still haven't got around to having a look. If it was from you, and you're not utterly offended that I've forgotten/haven't looked yet, and you don't mind, could you leave a comment and tell me where to look again?! Thank you!

Back to School (and picking up the pieces of my academic life.)
It's all back to normal tomorrow as kids return to school. I'm almost looking forward to autumn (summer's been a tad non-existent in terms of seasonal weather). I can smell the damp nip in the air in the garden, early morning. There's a melancholy about autumn I love too, and I'm looking forward to some nice hacks, and the structured day that comes of having two kids in school - up in the mornings, uniforms, house nice and quiet till 3pm everyday, and no guilt at not taking them anywhere/doing anything with them 'cos still too bloody ill! I envision sitting down and getting some serious writing done - my supervisor (PhD) rang me today and that was superb - I'm still being invited to the monthly postgrad writer's group (NRG) despite the fact that I've been... well you know!... haven't been since last year! One of my short term mini-goals to get well enough to be able to go out in the evening and attend a meeting!

All good then really. Hanging on in there. Appreciating every minute I am not in pain, and revelling in doing things with the girls, however small or periodic. Being more positive again, and hoping Darcy is right *winks to Marion*.

Tell me It's Not True

2008-08-27T12:42:00.001+01:00

There's a song in the musical Blood Brothers, called 'Tell Me It's Not True'. In case you haven't seen it, I won't spoil the plot for you - suffice to say, this song comes from near the end of the play. For some reason, it's been popping into my head a lot in the last week or so.

Tell me it's not true,
Say I only dreamed it,
And morning will come soon.
Say you didn't mean it,
Tell me it's not true,
Say it's just pretend,
Say it's just the end,
Of an old movie from years ago,
From an old movie of Marilyn Monroe.

You know, I thought it would get easier. (Or did I? Was I really that naive?) I mean, initially, when I was first diagnosed back in Nov/Dec last year, I drove home in shock. For a brief, fleeting moment I imagined ploughing into a lamp post. I thought I'd never be able to stop crying. I thought the panic, and the sheer terror of it all would kill me before the tumour did, but it passed. I started treatment and still cried, only now it was because of the clear toxic fluid being piped into my veins.

I was positive and hopeful throughout chemo hell, looked forward to the days when I could ride, and revelled in those rare moments of bodily comfort - like the 'old days' when I only experienced pain and nausea on the odd occasions. I cried less, and genuinely felt everything just might be okay. But then came the news that there'd been no change - the chemo had perhaps kept it stable, but now we'd move on to radio-therapy.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, it's been a really tough time. The travelling and sickness, the burns both inside and outside, the time stolen by 'recuperation'. It affected me severely. I finished treatment the first week of June and it's not the end of August! I only stopped taking anti-nausea tabs last week, and I'm now being referred to a stomach specialist to find out why I've got abdominal pain and cramping every evening, and increasingly, in the day time too. It's frightening me. The very thought of more tests. I've got a scan booked for Sept 16th, and get the results Oct 1st. I don't mind telling you that I'm absolutely crapping myself and almost don't want to hear the results.

So I need to stop crying, and re-balance. My eldest said I'd lost my positive spirit 'a bit' in the last month or so, and I owe it to them, and to myself, to find it again. Miracles do happen. So what if the tumour is inoperable, pressing against/interfering with/attached to/without a clear line between it and the chest wall, and brachial plexus. So what if 'cyberknife' treatment is unsuitable for my case. It was 3cm. It was small-cell, slow growing (just noticed my subconscious use of the past tense there). I just need to keep going until they do develop something that will keep me alive. And I really do want to write my novel, and finish my PhD. And own a horse one day... This situation is like a bereavement in many ways, as I feel the physical heart-wrenching pain of loss, and the possible loss of my own life. I look at the kids sometimes and cry for their loss, and my poor husband, parents... it affects so many people, and I never realised how important I was to them. It is also frightening, not knowing what the future holds, and realism is probably not the best way forward here.

What I need is an unabashed, forthright belief that everything is going to be just fine, and in 5 years time, as I sit with my little novel all published and sitting in it's jacket on my shelf, we'll all laugh about that dreadful couple of years when we all went through hell, but learned to support each other, and found our strengths. So if you know where I can get such a belief, please let me know!

On A Lighter Note!

I couldn't ride yesterday (tummy ache yet again), but forced myself to take K for her part of the lesson. She wore her jodhpurs (from S) proudly, and had a great lesson. She's almost sussed out rising trot, and did her first trot without holding on to the saddle! She's going to have one more, with me, before school starts again.

I did do a bit with the horses though. Henry was all tacked up and waiting for me, so I took it all off and put it away, noting how light a saddle is before a 45 min riding lesson. K got to meet Ivor too, and being so friendly she was able to stroke his nose and scratch his chin. Aha! My plan is working! At least one of them will fall in love with horses, and then 50% of the family will want one, and we'll be able to go for hacks on the beach together! Ha ha ha ha ha (evil laugh)!!!

Better start doing the lottery or something, then eh?!

Another Week already? Really?! Can't be!

2008-08-25T01:09:00.001+01:00

The Olympics is Over

... and didn't we do well?! Bloody nora - who'd have thought it - 4th place with a fabulous 19 Gold medals, and 47 in total. The official medal table shows that my beloved Canada only got 3 Golds and a total of 18, while dearest Spain managed 5 Gold and a total of 18 also. Oh well. Canada usually fares better in the Winter Olympics. I keep hoping I'll be around still - it's only 2 years away, and it's in Vancouver, BC, my birthplace. Cool.

Questions: How on earth will London compete with those opening and closing ceremonies?! What was the matter with Boris Johnson's suit? Did anyone see the Modern Pentathlon? Now there's a sport and a half!!!

A Good Teacher Can Make All The Difference

I had my usual riding instructor on Thursday, and to my horror, my stomach lurched when I saw she had Ivor all tacked up and waiting for me. It seems the previous lesson had a profound effect on me, and for the first 5 minutes or so, I felt as though I was learning to ride all over again. It didn't help much that he kept on tripping over his own feet, and it wasn't long before I was as stiff as a plank (not to mention riding like one!) with gritted teeth and a vaguely foetal position.

"He isn't going to fall over," said my instructor after watching us for a few minutes. "Relax your wrists and your shoulders more," she went on, "He's tripping up because he's unbalanced, so you have to help him." Eventually I relaxed and rode much better. Ivor promptly found his feet and the rest of the lesson was great, until that is, my instructor suggested I 'pop him over' a little jump. My stomach turned somersault at the sight of the small 2 foot uprights I'd been trotting past all lesson. It surprised me, because it's the first time I've ever felt real fear on a horse.

My instructor was quick to identify the problem - that I'd been over-faced the previous week by starting on uprights. "Nonsense!" she said, when I said he wouldn't jump cross poles. "He has to learn." Even so, I still didn't feel happy about jumping anything full stop, and what a shame because I love jumping usually. Luckily, a good teacher can make all the difference. She suggested we just go over some trotting poles (I.e. a pole laid flat on the ground), and see how that felt. By the end of the lesson I was back up jumping cross poles and felt so relieved. With a delicate mix of encouragement, understanding and empathy, my teacher managed to push me firmly but gently forward, and helped me regain confidence in my riding and Ivor. She deserves a medal does that woman, putting up with me!

How to waste a Week

1. Send husband off to the lakes for a 5 day hike/climb with his mates.

Day 1: Get teenager to help tidy house from top to bottom, and little one to do own bedroom. Relax and drink tea all day.

Day 2: Have lots of intentions, I.e. the intention to read through chapter of novel, with the intention of then adding to said draft, and finishing it/to blog about feeling so low re: health/to weed the poor garden.

Day 3: Intend to list some more stuff on Ebay in order to gather funds for riding lessons.

Day 4: Intend to visit friends (but can't due to tummy ache), and intend to catch up with phone calls.

Day 5: Have riding lesson. Welcome husband home and tell him all about the things you meant to do, but didn't actually get around to doing!

Throughout entire week, try not to cry or be miserable, especially not at the end of riding lessons/at checkout in Tesco/while watching children play on trampoline in garden. Spend all other spare moments engaged in most important activity of 2008 - watching the Olympics till 3 am every morning!!!

Bramble discovers the Outside...

2008-08-15T17:47:00.003+01:00

Bramble says that Outside is very interesting. He says he likes the green carpety-stuff, and no that he's not so frightened of the strange noises and smells, he enjoys catching flies and eating them (even though it makes his poo funny). His favourite things are the furry creatures who are in a cage of some sort, (although he's quite frustrated because the humans have blocked up the hole and he can't get in anymore). The big furry thing looks like she might bite back, but the little brown and black thing looks just like dinner. Bramble also says to tell you he likes trees, although going up is much easier than coming back down again, and he was most embarrased about having to be rescued by one of the humans who live in his house.
___________

So there you have it. Visit to doc was crap as she's worried about my stomach pains and has given me one more week to see how things progress before sending me off for investigations. Bloody brilliant. I just want to be pain free, be left alone by medics with pointy things and cameras on big long bendy tubes, and ride horses and write my novel. Am getting truly pissed off with illness now, so am going to stop talking about it and have a brew!!!

Jumping

2008-08-14T13:17:00.007+01:00

Tummy ache seems to be settling a bit, which is lucky because I really was at the end of my tether with it all.

I had another riding lesson today, and it was fab, although I haven't worked so hard in a very long time. I rode a new horse called Ivor. He needs lots of help to straighten him up, and so I spent the first part of the lesson getting a feel for him, and learning how to help him 'balance' himself through the transitions. I was knackered in no time, but it was a very good experience. At the end of 30 mins, my teacher suggested I 'pop him over' some 'little' jumps, only he starts at 2 foot, and 2 foot looks very big from aboard a horse! The first time I was so terrified I let him/asked him to run out, which he did most obligingly! But I did get over it second time around. No marks for style but then that's why I have lessons rather than compete at Olympic level, ha ha ha! Teach took some mini-vids so you can have a laugh.

Sadly, she didn't get one of my 'mishap'. I came down the long side of the school and was supposed to jump 3 uprights, but what happened was I got a bit nervous over the first, let him run out at the second, then got him back in line for the third, only to realise at the last minute it was higher than the others! There wasn't enough room to run out, so we jumped the block instead of the pole, and I ended up wrapped around his neck with no reins, no stirrups, and very nearly no horse! In the 20 months or so I've been riding, it's the closest I've come to falling off! Luckily, Ivor lifts his head up on landing (hence his martingale), so he caught me with his neck (I got chinned), but my backside found the saddle, and my legs somehow wrapped round his body and refused to be budged, so in no time I was sitting upright again, re-taking the reins, and seeing stars from hitting the pommel in a very delicate place! My dad said, "Oh God, be careful, Lisa!", and I'm thinking a body protector might be prudent if I'm going to keep learning how to jump!

I don't mean to be a wuss, but I've asked for Pete next week, to work on my flat work/position/sitting trot. I need a week or so to try to get fitter before I jump on Ivor again!

Where'd the week go?!!!

2008-08-09T11:53:00.006+01:00

I can't believe it's Saturday already! This week has flown over. Where is the year going?! I got a letter this morning confirming my next scan date - mid Sept - and that really does mark the time.

Tuesday, I had to cancel my riding lesson on Hugo as I had so much stomach pain there was no way I could drive, let alone ride. I did manage to get there on Wednesday though, to discover that Hugo had been misbehaving the day before (bucking and generally complaining) so I rode Henry instead. I did a full 45 min lesson and we worked on position. After almost two years of riding I finally nailed it and now my transitions are much better (the changes of pace, e.g. from walk to trot etc.). I came home grinning like a mad woman!

I've had a few visitors this week too. I thought everyone had forgotten me, or were just too busy with their own lives to call. It's also summer hols so people are under enough stress trying to go to work and find something to do with their offspring! But no. I had a few phone calls, texts, and even people in person, so that's more than made up for the fact that my stomach is still being a git and causing me quite a few tears!

I don't know what it's like where you are, but today it is dull, grey, and very wet. We're all tucked up watching the first few competitions of the Olympics 2008 in China. Yesterday's Opening Ceremony was unbelievably brilliant and I still want to know how they make the 5 rings rise into the air over the stadium! I loved the giant firework foot prints that walked in the sky to the stadium too! If you missed it, you can catch it here for the next 7 days (maybe more) on the BBCi Player.

Well I'm off to do some work. No really! What do you mean I'm all talk and no words on paper?! True, there's much to be done on the novel still, but I have started looking at the chapter I'm currently working on, and have been fishing for bits of paid work I can do at home. So far I'm typing up a booklet on Comprehension and Writing Poetry for someone. It'll help keep me a) busy, b) feeling normal, and c) in riding lessons!

What a difference an 'a' makes (and other ramblings)

2008-08-03T11:18:00.004+01:00

Not a bad week over all (of course it's all relative - compared to my old life, it's been shite!). Any way, Thursday I went on a short hack round Formby - no beach as a) I didn't feel ready, and b) my teacher wanted to see how I managed a short outing first. It was fine. I rode a lovely little lad called Thomas for the first time, and what a chilled out mount! I can honestly say -it's the first hack I've ever been on where the horse was totally unfazed by everything - trains, trucks, traffic, wheelie bins, dogs, open gates (which Winifred hates), skips - what a revelation! I'd like a horse who is equally chilled out - but I think it's probably a long shot finding one!!!

I meant to blog about this ages ago, but better late than never! Did you see the article in the Guardian's G2 mag, about Giles Coren's e-mails to his sub-editors?! Just goes to show how irate people can get about the little old definate article, and in Coren's defence, what a difference an 'a' makes!

Coren says, in his email;

I wrote: "I can't think of a nicer place to sit this spring over a glass of rosé and watch the boys and girls in the street outside smiling gaily to each other, and wondering where to go for a nosh."

It appeared as: "I can't think of a nicer place to sit this spring over a glass of rosé and watch the boys and girls in the street outside smiling gaily to each other, and wondering where to go for nosh."

There is no length issue. This is someone thinking "I'll just remove this indefinite article because Coren is an illiterate cunt and i know best".

Well, you fucking don't.
This was shit, shit sub-editing for three reasons.
1) 'Nosh', as I'm sure you fluent Yiddish speakers know, is a noun formed from a bastardisation of the German 'naschen'. It is a verb, and can be construed into two distinct nouns. One, 'nosh', means simply 'food'. You have decided that this is what i meant and removed the 'a'. I am insulted enough that you think you have a better ear for English than me. But a better ear for Yiddish? I doubt it. Because the other noun, 'nosh' means "a session of eating" - in this sense you might think of its dual valency as being similar to that of 'scoff'. you can go for a scoff. or you can buy some scoff. the sentence you left me with is shit, and is not what i meant. Why would you change a sentnece aso that it meant something i didn't mean? I don't know, but you risk doing it every time you change something. And the way you avoid this kind of fuck up is by not changing a word of my copy without asking me, okay? it's easy. Not. A. Word. Ever.

2) I will now explain why your error is even more shit than it looks. You see, i was making a joke. I do that sometimes. I have set up the street as "sexually-charged". I have described the shenanigans across the road at G.A.Y.. I have used the word 'gaily' as a gentle nudge. And "looking for a nosh" has a secondary meaning of looking for a blowjob. Not specifically gay, for this is soho, and there are plenty of girls there who take money for noshing boys. "looking for nosh" does not have that ambiguity. the joke is gone. I only wrote that sodding paragraph to make that joke. And you've fucking stripped it out like a pissed Irish plasterer restoring a renaissance fresco and thinking jesus looks shit with a bear so plastering over it. You might as well have removed the whole paragraph. I mean, fucking christ, don't you read the copy?

3) And worst of all. Dumbest, deafest, shittest of all, you have removed the unstressed 'a' so that the stress that should have fallen on "nosh" is lost, and my piece ends on an unstressed syllable. When you're winding up a piece of prose, metre is crucial. Can't you hear? Can't you hear that it is wrong? It's not fucking rocket science. It's fucking pre-GCSE scansion. I have written 350 restaurant reviews for The Times and i have never ended on an unstressed syllable. Fuck. fuck, fuck, fuck.

Strong words indeed! You can read the rest here. I will certainly never look at the letter 'a' in quite the same light again!

_________________________________________________

And so back to life... The weekend was crap. Not because of the weather, or lack of things to do (both of which were fine), but because of this horrendous stomach pain I keep getting. I haven't talked much about my bowels because, well, it isn't something I like to even think about, much less talk, and besides, when it's all working, it isn't something we think about, is it? (I'm reminded of Eddie Murphy in Raw, where he talks about different types of bowel movement - very funny!). The amount of drugs I'm having to take makes me constipated and in agony with wind. I've gone from someone who said, "bathroom" instead of "toilet" or "loo" because of embarrassment, I now find myself talking about poo an awful lot! Family members don't help in this, as most phone calls recently have been starting with, "Have you been (to the toilet) today?" Oh well. This is my life for the time being, I guess.

I've been okay in terms of emotional/mental well-being. I find when the pains have gone on for a couple of days, I get weakened by them and end up having a good old sob. Then the negative thoughts try to slip in below the radar, and I have to forcibly boot them out again, but I do address them first, where possible. No good ignoring it all together, is it? I mean, I'm in this position - not knowing what the future holds, not feeling anywhere near back to normal, not knowing how long anything is going to last (read as deeply into that as you can cope with). I've been reading Adrian Sudbury's blog (Baldy's Blog) which is simply heartbreaking. He started blogging when he got leukemia last year, and now doctors have given him a matter of weeks. He is 25. "One in Three - why not me?" as the saying goes. If I have only one wish in this life, it's that this blog doesn't end up ending with me ending!

2008-07-29T22:37:00.008+01:00

I've had a good couple of days. The weekend was quiet, with hubby and littlun away camping, and biggun off spending 'quality time' with boyfriend. I indulged in the Sunday papers, watched lots of films, and didn't see a bloody soul! The phone didn't ring from Friday afternoon until Sunday night when hubby came home. Not even a text message! Nobody loves me - Boo Hoo!!!!

Gets a bit lonely at times - this being ill-long-term business!

Today was great though. First thing in the morning mum met me at my house and then we went to the stables for a joint riding lesson with littlun. She was a bit scared but kept it under control well, only squealing twice in 45 mins! I had great fun, and it was just so nice to do something with the children (well one of them at least - biggun's too in love to go riding!).

K riding Lady

Standing up exercise

Mother & Daughter moments!

After riding was well enough to go visit a friend, and then she came back to my house and we sat in the garden in glorious sunshine. Bramble had his first innoculations on Friday, so we had him in the garden in the run with the rabbit and guinea pig. I think he loves 'outside' despite the fact that he's nervous and twitchy, running into the house if a plane goes over or someone starts up their lawn mower! Cute.

Health wise, things tick a long as ever. Aches and pains spring up here and there, but on the whole it's steady improvement all the way. I even did the front garden (pruning bushes back and weeding out 8 months worth of nettles! Might even have a day where I get to feel 'normal' soon, or is that too much to ask?!

What the Oncologist said, Part III

2008-07-24T00:38:00.002+01:00

First things first: Pussy cat is fine. He's been walking normally, jumping on and off furniture, and the only difference in him, is that he's been a lot more friendly and gentle. Actually, friendly isn't fair - he's always been friendly, he just has no sense of how much pain/damage is little teeth and claws do to human flesh! Perhaps his first taste of real pain has made him think a bit? Am I humanising him too much?!!!

Secondly, and the reason for the post - saw the doc this morning.

He said;

- he's pleased with my recovery from RT, so far.
- that he will send me for a scan in 4-6 weeks (any earlier may give a false reading due to scarring and swelling from the RT, so that needs to be completely healed first).
- that he will see me after the scan (Oct 1st.).
- if the tumour is stable and or reduced, they will see me 3 months after that.
- we are hoping the tumour will remain stable, and not spread.
- if the thing doesn't stay stable, we can do chemo again next year (but you can't repeat RT - thank f*** for that!).

There you go. Now everyone who takes the time to read the blog knows as much as I do!

I feel very positive, believe it or not. Doc wasn't worried or stressed about the long time spans, as non-small cell types tend to develop very slowly. It's not like I'm going to keel over at Christmas anyway! I just need enough time for there to be a break through in terms of non-surgical treatments, for my particular strain of the disease.

Disease. Hmm. What a word. A dis-ease in the body... my body is not at ease. (No sh** Sherlock!)

I have had the busiest day since before RT started! After the hospital I went to visit S and her lovely donkeys (who are so friendly now they walk around with you!). Then I went to another friend's and had a brew before she (very kindly) took my little one out with her two for the day. Then I went home and Nic called in, so didn't have a nap and even managed to sit at the dining table for my evening meal (which I was also able to eat!) Good times. Good times.

AND THREE posts in three days... is that progress or what?!!!

9, er 8, er 7 lives...

2008-07-22T14:09:00.002+01:00

Bramble seems to be testing his 9 lives theory. Yesterday he jumped/fell through the banister rail on the landing and descended about 10 foot, landing on his feet and showing no signs of injury. But today he got his hind leg stuck in the chair, jumped off, and has really hurt himself.

So it was an emergency trip to the vet, where the diagnosis was, 'not broken but seriously injured,' with complete rest prescribed. How do you tell a cat to take complete rest?!

We've locked him in the kitchen with a blanket and his little toy kitty, and he seems to be heeding the vet's advice! At least he is now using the leg a little rather than that awful hanging limp thing he did straight after the accident. He drew blood from the vet when examined and growled at every touch, but now he's quiet and will allow me to stroke the leg gently for a moment before nipping carefully (?!). If it's no better tomorrow we have to take him back, and if it is better, then we take him back in week's time for jabs... he's gonna love that!

I don't know. Animals and children, eh.

Cats and Horses

2008-07-21T16:57:00.001+01:00

I had my second riding lesson today - after my 9 week enforced break - and learned about the 'sub-gaits' of walk, trot, and canter (collected, working, medium, and extended). I also learned how to get the horse to put an extra stride in before the second jump of a double - fab! It was far from perfect, I assure you, but the point is, I guess, that not only did I manage the full half hour without passing out/throwing up, I also managed to a bit of jumping, and as always with my wonderful instructor, learned loads!!!

I did have a 2 hour nap when I got home, mind!

Little Kitty

Bramble is growing up so fast, and can be a vicious little git at times. He takes advantage of the youngest whenever he can, and the other day, had both hubby and little one hiding under the duvet after he attacked them both and started growling!!! I just grab him by the scruff of the neck and smack his rear end before locking him in the kitchen alone for 10 mins, and as a result, he's better behaved for me. As for the eldest, I don't think she's been bitten once by him - he adores her! We all still love him though, and when he's in a cuddly mood, he's the sweetest thing you ever met.

I'm getting bigger, mum!

Looking all grown up at only 12 weeks.

Of course all this riding and chastising the kitty doesn't leave any energy for writing, as I'm sure you've guessed. Bloody good job my PhD is on hold (intercalated) for a year, innit! Not that I've forgotten about it though. Oh No! Tis on my mind all the time!

On the way back...

2008-07-16T19:34:00.001+01:00

I've been in a very dark place for a while now - something to do with being in constant pain, and having constant nausea, not to mention the lack of energy, the cold sweats, and, nearly forgot (!) all those loverly burns!

Of course the kitten has been an absolute godsend, keeping me company, purring away while ripping my hands to pieces (I look like I've started self-harming!). When I've been too ill to scrape myself off the sofa, I've managed to get to the kitchen to feed him, so he's forced me to make a physical effort. So it hasn't been all bad. Also have the shiny new laptop, a hubby to die for (oops - really should rephrase that!), and wonderful kids. And I am still here.

So these things have helped somewhat in digging me out of the depression I'd been stuck in, like sinking sand. The haircut helped too, but yesterday I must confess to crying for much of the day. I was sad because I packed all my teaching files away; my career is now in 9 large boxes on top of the office cupboards. My briefcase looks forlorn and un-used. I was mourning my life because my life as I knew it, my life prior to November last year has gone. There was no teaching of fastrack this summer, and no modules to be written/updated for September. No more wages. I have to re-evaluate who I am, where I'm going, and what I'm going to do with my life (and of course we don't know how much life I've got left either - much as no one wants to think of that fact, including me.

Only I have to live with it every day. And it is very stressful.

Which is why I wanted to keep up with my riding. That time each week where the only thing to be considered is your relationship with the horse you are riding/handling. It's like meditation because the mind is concentrated on one activity 100%, and I love it.

Well, today I finally got back in the saddle, and even lasted the full half hour, although I had to take it easy and work at a walk now and then. It was fantastic. I was grinning from ear to ear, cantering around the school, sitting in balance and riding as well as ever. What a relief (I thought I might've had to start from scratch again due to such muscle wastage and loss of fitness).

I am officially on my way back from the chemo and radiotherapy, and although I don't see the oncologist until 23rd July, and there won't be a scan for ages after that, I think as long as I can get out and ride, I'll be able to cope a lot better with whatever they say. At least that's the plan at any rate.

How are you?!

2008-07-13T23:30:00.002+01:00

I know I shouldn't complain, but after 10 months (OMG!) of illness, it is really starting to piss me off when people ask how I am but aren't content with a short response, i.e. once on the subject, they won't get off it again. Don't get me wrong - I know it's because people care and are interested, and that is wonderful. I do want people to ask how I am, and sometimes I want to talk about the whole illness thing, but there are times when I've forgotten about it for a short (and blessed) while - times when I just want to say, "Well, I've been better," and leave it at that. I don't want to think about the next appointment with the oncologist, or when the next scan will be, let alone what happens after that!

You see this living with cancer business is just so challenging. When I've been too ill to do anything, too ill to think straight, I've just been getting through the hours/days/weeks, but in the last week I've started picking up again. I have such a long way to go, but can now go to the supermarket, or do a bit of cleaning. It's a long and lonely day when you're ill - the rest of the world are living their lives, going to work, going out and about etc. I am stuck in all day and might not speak to another person (apart from my mum and dad!) from 8.30 am till 3.30 pm. It is depressing, especially when you're well enough to want to do thing and go places, but not well enough to actually do anything about it. So the upshot of it is, when the phone rings, or someone visits, I don't want to focus on this horrible thing I'm having to live with. I don't want to face the reality of my current situation, because I do enough of that when I'm alone for long stretches of time - it's sometimes difficult to focus on anything else as every thought of 'the future' begs the question, "How long is my future likely to be?"

So do ask sick people how they are. Do listen if they want to talk about it. But please remember that they might not have the4 answers to questions like, "So what happens next?", or might not want to face it at that moment (and why waste good company talking about cancer/doctors/treatments/bowel function/etc.?). I mean, I'd like to hear about how you are too!

Oh dear. I do hope I haven't upset anyone with my little rant! Please don't stop asking me how I am!

POSTSCRIPT

The amount of people who read this post, and rang me saying, "I won't ask how you are..."!!! I should try to be clearer, obviously. It isn't the asking how are you, but the going beyond the call of reasonable duty. It's the incessant digging for yet more information that I just don't have - and the unspoken, well are you going to live then, or what? question that sidles in alongside interrogations that would put the Spanish inquisition to shame.

I didn't mean to put anyone out, and the funniest thing of all, is that the people who have wound me up so don't even read my blog! It's people who should know better, who should've spoken to my parents and found out that way, the ins and outs of the cat's backside that is my current state of health. Those who read my blog know that I tell you what I know already, that I write it down so that I don't have to go over it again and again like endless re-runs on UK Gold!

I'm preaching to converted here and I thank you all for letting me have my little rants!

A turning point - fingers' crossed...

2008-07-11T00:31:00.003+01:00

Today has been fabulous!

I got up and booked a riding lesson for next week! First one in 10 weeks it'll be! Sooo excited!

Then J came over to visit which is always lovely.

And my new laptop arrived and it is completely fab and better than I thought, and I'm using it now to blog. Feeling very spoiled rotten.

I had a haircut too, as the chemo and radio had all but killed it off. What do you think? It hasn't been this short since 1982!

So all in all, things are on the up. I've had less pain today, been out for over 4 hours, and still haven't had a nap despite it being almost 1am. Tomorrow I may be knackered but it still feels as though my body is at last, starting to mend!

Carpe Dium or something like that

2008-07-08T10:08:00.004+01:00

I've done it. I've really gone and done it. I've decided to make the leap from desktop pc to laptop!

But what next?!

Well. I've been improving a little more each day, and Sunday managed to get myself up to the local retail park to look at laptops. I was like a child in a candy store; my eyes coveting the new shiny true life screen thingies, 17" widescreen, dvd/rw, and even a choice of colours (Dell).

But I resisted a spur of the moment purchase because this laptop is to replace the main pc in the house (which is so slow you can cook a three course meal, eat it, and clean up while it's booting up!). It has to be an improvement therefore, and be good for a few years at least (though the last one is about 8 years old (is that a record?!) and has a paltry 512mb of RAM.

I was unsure about Vista too. I've just reached the point with XP that I know my way around the system now, and can fix most problems. I've heard Vista has lots of bugs and issues, but try as I might, I couldn't find a new pc without it.

When I got home I was knackered but still in research mode so I spent a few hours online at Toshiba, HP, Sony, and Dell, to name but a few. I toyed with the idea of a Mac but realised I'm hooked on Windows because it what I started with. I love HP but they need to sort their website out as I ended up frustrated and left! Dell won hands down.

So I did it.

I got one!

A shiny red one (so sad - swayed by a choice of 6 colours!!!), an Inspiron 1720. I love that you can then change the tech specs to suit your needs, though my first attempt at a build came in at over £1500. Oops! Eventually I got it down to within my price range and happily spent the last of my wages (perhaps ever) on a laptop, docking station, carry case, and Office 2007 (I've been wanting to upgrade from Office 2000 for simply ages!).

I'm going to justify this purchase by taking it around the house and garden, and writing my novel on it!

So something good is happening, and feel better, and I even had a poo so no tummy ache this morning!!!

I'm easily pleased, aren't I?!!

P.S.

Thanks to all of you who have kept reading through what has been an exceptionally 'dry' period in my poor little blog's life!

bugger

2008-07-06T23:10:00.010+01:00

Am most disgruntled with current physical state. On Wednesday, having no food in the house (hubby working, me on sofa with hot wheat packs), we rang for a Chinese - the healthy option of veggie special fried rice - only the fat content caused a gall-bladder attack! Brilliant.

Thursday started out with more promise and I even made it to my favourite bookshop where Stephen Fry's autobiography Moab is my Washpot was waiting patiently to be collected, gathering dust. I realised that I have been proper right poorly for 8 bleedin' weeks! Anyway, my favourite bookshop is rather special, not simply because I worked there while doing my degree, but because purchases are wrapped in brown paper and tied up with string. In the winter a real coal fire blazes in the downstairs sales floor, and there is no till - just a purchase ledger and pencil, and an ancient wooden cash drawer. I remember panicking in my first few weeks as percentage discounts and so on all have to be done in your head and mental maths is not my forte by any means!

The owner is a tall, lean gentleman, smartly dressed, and with a exceedingly large grin. The staff are wonderful - knowledgeable about books, helpful and warm. Such is their reputation that they have customers from as far afield as Geneva.

The building is an old Victorian (I think!) house with 3 floors and an attic. Downstairs is reserved for new books and anything not on the shelf can be ordered speedily. Up the narrow creaking stairs, with cabinets stuffed full of second hand treasures in every available nook and cranny, there is the Children's Room, where owls have been known to visit for Harry Potter launches, with space for children to sit and browse. The owner's office is on this level too, and up more stairs there are more and more rooms, stacks of books, hallways lined with shelves... it's like an Aladdin's cave. I never made any money working there, as I'd spent it on whatever little stack of treasures I'd discovered that day!

But I digress. After the bookshop, and a big bear hug from the owner, I did a few other outstanding errands and then went shopping with my mum. Bliss. Outsidiness. Only a few feet into the first shop and my gall-bladder kicked off again - this time from humous we'd bought not expecting a tub to have a whopping great 28g of fat! I don't know how I managed to drive home but I found swearing loudly with a long slow rhythm really helped. After much crying and rocking, swearing and howling, several doses of morphine and a diclofenac, it subsided. All this, plus diarrhea, frequent cold sweats, constipation, colic, some vomiting and nausea... leaves me thinking...

... I must still have some awful karma to address from a previous life!

Never mind. Maybe it's a lesson or something to build strength and character? No matter how bad it's been, I have only ever thought of life, of wanting to live, of not giving up. I look up (no idea why 'up'!) and inform the universe, firmly, that I don't care what it throws at me, I still choose life. I want to live.

Although following this PH Diet, and existing on raw veg, fruit, no tea/meat/bread/dairy does make me a bit shaky in my resolve. (Actually, I've not gone all out but have cut out those foods 'almost', so that 80% or more is the healthy alkaline stuff, and 20% is acid producing.)

Today has been the best day so far... everything's been calm with the old body; not too much pain anywhere, no nausea, able to go out looking at laptops (hmm!) and had a visitor to boot. I was in a very good mood...

... and then I checked my email and realised that the novel racer's meet is next week and I can't go to London because I can't even have a riding lesson, or drive for more than half an hour, and I need a nap in the afternoon still.

Bugger! Next time!

A new diet perhaps?

2008-06-30T23:09:00.003+01:00

Last week was a wonderful as it was hellish! It seems I'm a long way from being back to 'my old self'. Try as I might, I can't get through the day without a 3 hour afternoon siesta (sounds better than nap). And constipation! Christ the pain of that - you wouldn't believe! And please don't suggest anything - not prunes, not figs, not nothing 'cos I am sick of hearing it!!! I even had my mother phone me one day to say, I was just talking to so and so, about your bowels, and they suggested x, y and z!

Life is rolling along, quite literally, without me. I am a pitiful couch creature who can't summon up enough energy to do anything beyond actually getting ready to do something! Shower, dressed, make-up, knackered. I missed my dad's 70th (surprise) party. All I do is watch America's Next Top Model onLiving, followed by Ally McBeal on Zone Romantica! Sad, isn't it. And I'm not being hard myself - I'm just bored stupid with being ill. Having stomach cramps now on top of it all. I had a week or so back there when all I could think of was death, and then a week of trying to forget all about it. Now I'm back to taking positive action: change my diet for only the healthiest foods and possibly the PH diet (see below). I need to get well enough to be able to ride again, cook meals, wash my own hair, help little one with home-work and please lt it be soon, take her out somewhere other than the supermarket!

But it isn't all bad. K came over on Monday and we had a lovely afternoon. I didn't even nap that day. Tuesday I saw the doc again, and she seemed to think I was coming along really quickly. Compared to whom, I wondered.

Wed L came over, laden with lots of strange brown glass bottles filled with various potions - colloidal silver being one of them. The diet looks quite difficult to follow in the first months when you are re-balancing the body, but gets easier after that as you re-introduce previously banned foods (in much smaller quantities!). It means cutting out all foods that create acid in the body, so that the body becomes alkaline - then all the fungi and parasitic bacteria can't grow and interfere with health. You end up eating 80% alkalizing foods and 20% acidifying. If anyone's heard about it before I embark, do let me know. It's called the PH Miracle, and I have nothing to lose. The alkalising foods are all green vegetables, most grains and nuts and pulses, grasses and some fish (trout and salmon). Acidic stuff - all dairy, meat, fish, and most fruit (but not lemons or grapefruit?!).

Bramble is growing fast and becoming quite naughty when in a playful mood. I've just had to give him a tap on his rear end and lock him in the kitchen because he kept biting me while I'm on the lap top (you guessed - on the couch!). I let him out when he cried and he purred and has come over the keyboard again, but this time a telling him to get down worked. But for how long ha ha ha!

I had loads to say but am all worn out again now! Will endeavour to write more regulary as soon as I am able but Christ knows how long that'll be!

*Bramble is sitting next to me, resisting the urge to attack my fingers but I won't wind him up any longer!

Coincidence?

2008-06-21T12:02:00.009+01:00

I am still alive! Hurrah!

It's been 9 days since I last blogged, and 3 since I last puked. I've done very little except keep going. People have visited me and that's been fantastic, but the thought alone of sitting at the computer made me retch. Literally.

But I'm back. There's a steady improvement, and besides, there's a wedding today, and I've been looking forward to it for months. I'm going to go and see how long I last.

Coincidence?

Last weekend I had this urge to call a friend who I haven't seen in years. It's been about 6 years since I saw L in the flesh, and 3 years since I spoke to her on the phone. I wasn't even sure she'd want me getting in touch after so long...

... but I called her mum anyway, and got her new number. Turns out she's also been thinking of me, and wanted to call but had no number for me. Weird, eh. And then, even more weirdly, it turns out L knows a bit about cancer and in particular, a diet that is supposed to help fight it. She's coming over to see me next week and bringing the book with her. Fab.

I needed to get back on track. I've been a bit down and increasingly irritated at being stuck in all the time, not through lack of wanting to do something/go somewhere, but from a real, physical exhaustion, nausea, and general bodily discomfort. Going out was hellish because my body failed to regulate its temperature and I'd go from cold sweat and goose-bumps to burning up and back again in a ten minute cycle. Horrid.

My head was also getting lost in negative thinking, allowing fear to take over. The translation work came just at the right time, and I managed it even though blogging has been nigh on impossible. It forced my mind to think of other, non-cancerous things. I had a break from thinking it about it at all.

So things are good. I'm healing, and actually going to a wedding - did I mention that I'm going to a wedding??!! (Outside... woo hoo! People in large numbers... Whey hey!)

Here's some pics to sign off with:

First up - my back and the lovely burn from the RT - let's hope it's done a good job on the old tumour too! This was taken last week. Thanks to everyone who came and rubbed cream into it for me!

And then some lovely ones, also taken by the little one - she's really getting into her photography thanks to Amanda!

Sleeping is what he does best...

...but then he wakes up and wants to play...

Cute eh!

what the oncologist said part III

2008-06-12T21:51:00.002+01:00

Wednesday morning marked the end of radiotherapy with a visit to see my oncologist. He was pleased with the fact that I am so sensitive to rt adding that it's a bloody good job we didn't go for combined chemo too! I'd have been far more ill if I had. He also said that the reduced pain in my shoulder was a really good sign, but we won't know anything until the next scan. That's 8 weeks off, due to the swelling the rt causes.

So it's a case of get better each day until I can swim and ride again, and write that blasted novel!

Good news on the translation front too. Despite being finished at midnight on Sunday by a very queasy, writhing translator, and finding typos on the Monday morning (therefore having to correct and re-send)... it was accepted and they are really pleased with the work. I'll have another piece to add to my writing cv, albeit another weird addition!

Well - am a bit knackered now - lots of visitors and lovely phone calls - so going to get off and rest (more bloody rest!!!).

Kitten is growing fast and still adorable - will post some pics asap.

on the mend

2008-06-09T23:44:00.002+01:00

Yesterday I felt the first stirrings of restlessness. It was a restlessness that said, "I quite fancy writing something, or having a nice hack!" That was when it struck me - I'm finally on the mend. Phew.

I can't tell you what a crap 6 weeks I've had. Vomiting everyday, pain everywhere, relentless nausea. And now, burns from the RT, but after a week of living on Angel Delight, mashed potato, and mashed up egg with butter, it seems to be healing up. I've been steadily improving every day since Sunday, and last Monday feels like six weeks ago.

I finished the translation work too! My friend is pleased with the work, and I was just grateful to have something to think about other than death. Really - my head has not been in a good place recently. Anyway, I got think about Scarlatti and Bartok for a while instead, and was able to forget the whole prognosis question too.

But of course it never goes away fully. It sits there at the back of your mind - like someone on death row waiting for a reprieve that may never come. Each day becomes precious, and each hour wasted with your head down the loo is a disaster. No one knows how long they've got left, but having an illness that threatens your life makes that all the more obvious.

So you have to try to ignore it and replace every negative thought with one that reinforces the belief that I'll live. For long long time to come. See my kids grow up. Grow old. I live each day with hope and am trying to turn it into a belief so concrete that the universe has no option other than to match reality to my thinking. With an inoperable tumor, there's no other option really, is there?!

That's enough from me this evening... off to cuddle up to Bramble and watch a bit of late night telly!

update - rt over!!!

2008-06-04T14:16:00.004+01:00

It's been ages since I blogged. I knew it was ages but didn't realise just how much time I'd lost!

Today's post is a real effort, though I am better than I have been - vomiting every day for the past 6 weeks has really taken its toll on me, I can tell you. Add to that hot and cold sweats, a touch of depression, and you have a recipe for existing between sofa and hospital. I can honestly say this has been then worst month so far. When oh when does it start to get better?

At least I have a little project to take my mind of things... I am in the middle of translating the blurb for a friend's debut album (from Spanish to English). It's fairly straightforward (thank god for the year at music college and the music dictionary!!!) so am doing little chunks at a time, in between playing with the kitten* - and all whilst prostrate on the sofa to alleviate this persistent nausea. I've only got till Saturday so better crack on I guess!

So. RT is finally over. I thought, up until session 10, that the only trouble I was going to have was travelling and nausea, but no. After 20 sessions I have a lovely burnt patch on my chest and back, and a really burnt oesophagus... so that weight I wanted to lose? No problem! I'm bloody starving and can only get half a weetabix down before the pain is so bad I have to stop. Brilliant!

The pain in my left hand is worse too, because apparently RT causes swelling. Hence no scan for two months till it all settles down again. Fingers crossed I am finally on the mend because I'm not sure how much more of this I can endure without totally cracking up.

Any way - not wanting to moan too much, I look forward to the post that says I've been riding again, or even just left the house!

*Bramble is settled in completely. He sleeps on the sofa with me when he isn't running around like a mad thing, has used the litter tray unfailingly, and seems to love people. He was definitely one of my better ideas!

2008-05-22T13:56:00.006+01:00

Apologies for being a rather crap blogger this week, but I've been a bit of a crap patient too! The week has been spent throwing up (STILL!!) and feeling uncomfy in my skin (hot flushes followed by cold sweats and repeat until clothing is saturated). I've been tweaking meds and discovered that since swapping anti-nausea tabs, I've been vomiting, so went back to the old domperidone and hey presto - 2 days without throwing up. Add in a bit of paracetamol and no fever - so slowly coming around again. Yesterday was dire - cried mostly - was feeling very sorry for myself. But three weeks without riding, wrapped in a blanket and spending 3 hours a day throwing up in the car just took its toll.

Still. Today is better and only 6 days left of treatment. I went this morning, and have to go again in an hour or so, but then tomorrow is only once, and I get 3 days off with the bank holiday. The 4 more days and finished. AND THEN... back to living again.

The RT is having an effect. The pain is so reduced that I've halved the pain meds, and swallowing is a bugger - so painful. But temporary they assure me, till it heals up in my oesophagus. Cross your fingers folks that the RT shrinks this little bastard once and for all.

On a good and positive note, Bramble is settling in well, as you can see in the piccie above. He is a boy (we found a pic to sex him once and for all), and is clean, thank god. He uses the litter tray, is eating and drinking well, and wakes up for a mad half hour's play time every couple of hours. He is so sweet that even hubby is besotted with the little blighter!

Sleeping. It's what I do best!

Wha'?! What is it?

Radiotherapy Treatment No'8

2008-05-17T09:20:00.002+01:00

I thought you may be curious to see what the whole RT thing involves - so asked one of my Radiotherapists to take a pic for y'all. She kindly obliged and even caught B in the photo too (he said he doesn't mind it on the web - I did ask!).

So the machine revolves around me. The mark me up, as you can see along my body, to line up with the lasers, and then cover me with a piece of tissue to maintain some sort of dignity.

When the machine is doing its thing, they have to leave the room, but the lights are dimmed and I spend that time concentrating on being healed. They usually leave the radio on too, so there's nice music in the background. Very peaceful.

The whole thing is painless, if a tad uncomfortable, but the staff are superb, and get it all done in under 10 minutes now.

So now you know!

Yesterday my brother-in-law took me again, and I was only sick twice. This time I made it to the grid (in the garden) and the loo (at the hospital).

The best thing is that I now have 2 whole days off! Hurrah!

And we're going to collect the kitty this afternoon!

So excited...

email snailmail

2008-05-15T10:59:00.001+01:00

I just looked at my email inbox, in the folder labelled, "To respond to" and there's about 15 emails in there. And that's just my private/home email addy. In hotmail there's more, and in Yahoo, even more.

So this is just to say to everyone who has been kind enough to email me, that I will get back to you at some point, and I'm not being rude, I'm just on radiotherapy - travelling at the least 3 hours a day, and in the clinic for another hour on top.

I HAVE NO BLOODY TIME FOR ANYTHING!

But they are saving (hopefully) my life, so mustn't complain!

And it's only till the end of the month.

And then I will email people back, and will ride horses again, and will continue writing the novel and driving you all nuts with ridiculous blog posts - like this one!

Righto! Off for more RT.

:)

One for the blog...

2008-05-13T11:57:00.002+01:00

Yesterday I pulled off an absolute cracker.

I had my RT. Bro-in-law ferried me. I did not throw up in the car - neither there, nor back - and we arrived home safely.

We sat in the garden in the sunshine, and I was just reclining on a garden lounger, sipping away at my orange squash - I think I was commenting on how well the drive went, and how the RT itself was painless and quick...

And then without any warning whatsoever, I did it; 5 bodily functions (and major ones, the kind you normally do one at a time, and even then if it can't be avoided) happened all at once!

G did a kind of slo-motion gasping in shock whilst leaping (slo-mo) to his feet. Meanwhile, all the time this watery gunge is emerging violently from any orifice it can breach.

I sneezed, coughed, farted, pee-ed and vomited. An ensemble to die (of shame) for. :)

So I'm sitting there, covered in puke - down my cleavage (damn that summer top), all in my lap, on the floor. I stood up and stripped down to my vomit soaked undies, a pile of sticky clothing on the patio in a pool of more goo. I thought, "Oh shit, where's my brother-in-law gone? I am now semi-naked in the garden!"

G appeared in the doorway looking helpless - you know the one; mouth wide open, hands outstretched, palms heavenward. He fetched a towel - no doubt he couldn't stand looking at my sexy body any longer!!!

Poor thing was still retching as I showered and changed. I could hear the hose-pipe slooshing it away to his guttural cries!

Beat that!

Today I've been once already for an 8.30 am slot, and now, due to the merits of bank hols and RT planning, I've to go back again for a 5 pm slot! Fab. That's about 5 or 6 hours in the car for someone who gets travel sick, not to mention two lots of tunnel toll fees to pay.

But I haven't thrown up today so far. I've reduced my oxycodone to the previous dose, and while I might have a bit of pain, I'm not throwing up.

A balance may have just been reached.

*I Effing well hope so any way!

2008-05-12T10:18:00.002+01:00

Posts have been a bit sporadic these days. I haven't written much at all this week, and read even less. Thing is, there's not much going on.

Except vomiting.

Lots and lots of vomiting.

That's the thing about cancer - it's the other bloody side-effects. I have perfect lung function, no cough, no wheezing or shortness of breath. No pain on breathing. And yet...

Everything else seems to be wanting to join in -a whiny kind of please let us be sick/ailing/underfunctioning too! Please! Stomach is certainly making the most noise at present.

And so my trips for RT are a daily nightmare of throwing up all the way with whichever kind soul trying their best to act as if this is all perfectly normal. Even those who can't stand vomit!

And then I get home and I sleep for a few hours. It's been a bit crap to be honest. 3 down. 17 to go.

But never one to be entirely down...

I went and bought myself a pink Nintendo DS-Lite with Sight-Training, and Scrabble. Woo hoo! The 8 year old is saying, "Can you feel it, mum?! You've got that DS Feeling!" Followed by, "Now we can play Animal Crossing together!" Right there, hun, just after I puke. Again.

Also - the sun is still shining and that has got to be a plus. Imagine a 1hr 20 min journey puking in the rain and cold.

And the kitten - Bramble seems to be sticking as a name - comes next week!!!

There was something else, but I can't remember what it was.

-------------

Oh yes. I remember. The Conference. The Short Story Conference I booked and paid for, and was looking forward to all year. That Conference. I missed the bleeding conference because I was too ill. I realised at 11 am on Saturday morning, my head down the loo. I'm sure there was somewhere I was supposed to be...

2008-05-08T10:14:00.005+01:00

Another glorious day, and I'm back on the up. I feel like a bloody yo-yo these days, but what goes down seldom stays down for long (quite literally - boom boom), and the sun is shining, the birds are singing at next door's cats. At one point I thought, Is this still England, or am I in some sort of opiate induced dream of warmer climes - but no - I've even got a summer frock on! I hope you are enjoying the weather wherever you are.

Yesterday I had my first 'fraction' of radiotherapy (RT). Family friend, D, was my volunteer driver for the day, and duly turned up in Maisy, a lovely little Mazda convertible - top down - the works. Instinctively, I grabbed a sick back and bowl on the way out the door, and wondered what people must have thought as we sped along; him in cool shades, arm sunning on the window ledge, and me, throwing up between conversations. I looked like shite by the time we finally pulled into the oncology car park!

But hey, the sun was still shining, and D handled the situation beautifully. He's a dad, you see.

SO the first thing we had to do was see a doctor. We ended up in a side-room - in case I infected anyone/everyone else with the bug - so while D hunted for pics in The Star and got sent on pharmacy runs, I sat with my head in my hands trying not to throw up again.

But the treatment went fine in the end. I was a little perplexed at having to strip to the waist in front of two rather sweet young men, but there's no room for embarrassment when your life is on the line - which mine most certainly is. I got the boobs out, adopted my porn-star-lay-back-and-think-of-healing pose, and got on with the job of... not moving. Which isn't as easy as you may think, especially when people are drawing on you under your arms, with tickly pens!

They said, you can talk if you want. Some people talk, and others prefer not to. I laughed to myself. Me? Not talking?! Ha ha ha!

I did have some quiet time with the machine though. Sting was singing Fields of Gold in the background, and I lay there, visualising the tumour shrinking away. It was very good really. No pain. No needles sticking in me/fluids passing through me/fear and loathing. Just very peaceful.

Reassuring.

And I wasn't sick on the way home either, which was a huge bonus. We had a lovely evening meal, got forgiveness from my mother for forgetting her birthday - genuine excuse this year - and then Nee came over and we sat and chatted into the early hours.

Actually had a day of feeling normal, rather than like a cancer patient, and it was wonderful.

P.S. AND I've kept on writing too! Way bloody hey!

Oops!

2008-05-06T18:33:00.005+01:00

I was supposed to start radiotherapy today, only I managed to catch a bug.

A bloody bug!

Can you believe it?! I've spent the long bank holiday weekend throwing up into friends' grids, and sinks. I thought it was the meds so carried on as usual, trying to ignore the sudden and frequent flashes of cold sweat followed by massive waves of nausea. And then the little one joined in and we realised it was more than an opiate induced fever.

Hospital were very understanding. Said come tomorrow instead. So I spent the day in the garden. The unkempt, deliciously wild garden. And it was so gorgeous and hot, even with a slight fever.I even found a hanging place
for a wedding present we got all those years ago!

And I wrote!

Not tons, by any means, but I wrote. I mean, like real fiction, man!

It feels good to have some paragraphs down on paper again!

Woohoo!

Calling for a name

2008-05-05T10:23:00.004+01:00

Any ideas?

I love the name Bramble so far but that has been used by at least two friends so other ideas needed. K suggested Shut Up, as a hint to the neighbours, and hubby, despite ideas such as Kebab, has also fallen for its innate charm and lovability.

Pussy kitten at 4 weeks old.

________________________

Went to see the horses yesterday too, mum and baby. Baby is now some 13 hh tall, and still as cute as ever. Anyway, the interesting thing was that I was reading about horses having an innate knowledge of reiki, and was surprised when the mare (as in the mare who loves me and wants to be my mare!) started slurping away at the area where my tumour is. Hubby, less convinced, said it's probably the lavender I have constantly oiled in to the skin via a hotty, but all the same, it was a neat little coincidence!

__________________

Have a lovely Bank Holiday!

2008-05-04T11:44:00.004+01:00

Hurrah! Blogger has finally let me in! I've been trying to post all week, to no avail, but here I am again!!

I had my Radiotherapy simulation on Thursday. Firstly I strip off to the waste and then a nive lady draws little crosses all over me with a felt-tip pen. Then, I get to lie on a bed with stirrups for my arms, topless, in a kind of porn-star pose, while a big machine moves around me. It's quite alarming at first, but I guess after 20 sessions I'll be more used to it. The hardest part is keeping still so as to burn out only this bits we want to burn out!

I haven't had the treatment itself yet so can't tell you what it feels like, but you know me - as soon as I know...

It's weird this whole tumour lark. Gives the most unexpected problems. Take my eyes for example. Yesterday I spent 2 hours in the opticians being tested because one of my pupils is now larger than the other. The wiring of the body is such, that the tumour pressing on the brachial plexus, is also affecting my optic nerve.
Great stuff. One wonders what else can go wrong - or rather maybe one shouldn't wonder at all?!

I also called into uni on Friday. It was lovely to see everyone, if a little odd - I've been off sick since October after all. I saw Debbie from the SCR and promptly burst into tears without any idea as to why. Weird.

Am also feeling quite crap today - although a bbq later on, and going to see little kitty will certainly cheer me up...

Wondering when I'm going to get cracking with the novel again. Gotta be done, methinks.

Yes. A novel race. So many of the racers have finished already, but I'm not out just yet.

Watch this space...

a quickie... post office idiots and lovely horsies

2008-04-30T20:08:00.002+01:00

Just a quickie today, as am a tad knaclered. See how tired I am - can't even write the word knackered out!

Been an interesting day. I went to the post office, with admittedly, a lot of parcels (well only 5), and the woman started getting right stroppy. I thought, this is the post office isn't it? It is the job of the post office to post things, is it not?!

So she hands me the Recorded Delivery label and demands I fill it out. Well, I am 2 years into my PhD, but without a bit of help, and without the distraction of pain shooting down my left arm, I was struggling to write the entire name and address out in the allotted time (of 2 nano seconds!). "Give it here,2" she complained, adding, "We'll be here all day if you write all that out!" I was shocked, and decided to pull the cancer card out.

"I'm sorry," I smiled, "but I have a tumour in my lung and it's making it hard for me to do this - I'm in a lot of pain (I wasn't lying either - I was in pain.). She said, "Oh, I'm sorry," and then looked at me through the glass...

"Smoker, are you?!"

I said, "You don't ask breast cancer victims that, do you? Actually, no I don't smoke!"

"Oh," she said, adding helpfully, "It's just my mother died of lung cancer and she smoked."

She reminded me of the unhelpful traffic warden who demanded to see my disabled badge for the car as I parked up (engine still running kind of thing), saying I was too slow. I told him I would display it as soon as I had parked the car, and he yelled through the window, "It's not too much to ask love is it, for free parking?!"

----------------------

Later on was much happier. I had my 2nd lesson on Hugo, my 'advanced' horsie. My instructor was wonderful as ever, keeping a close eye on me as I struggled to keep my energy levels up. I could only manage flat work, and Hugo only bucked me once, so I wasn't too poor a rider. Eventually I said I had to stop, but had made 27 mins so was very pleased! I staggered back to the car with a massive grin on my face, as ever, and the words of my instructor ringing in my ears - "You did so well, Lisa. I'm so impressed with you!"

Fab!

Phew! And breathe...

2008-04-29T11:17:00.006+01:00

What a mad crazy busy week it's been - well not even a week - just since Thursday!

Firstly, I had my friend and her 11 year old daughter over, from Spain. It was a fab few days of running around like a lunatic, visiting places and shopping, chatting and catching up on old times, with a few medical appointments (of course!) thrown in for good measure! But I'm afraid the late nights caught up with me, and today I am alone for the first time since Wednesday, and I am exhausted!

But Saturday... Saturday was fantastic! I dragged the kids, and my visitors to Manchester on the train, and left them to wander around while I went to a very important meeting with...

The Novel Racers!

There were 15 of us in all (I think!). I arrived late (you just can't rush the Spanish!) and everyone was almost done eating by the time I'd even ordered, but it didn't matter. My eldest daughter had reprimanded me more than once about meeting people from the internet in RL, but even I was surprised at what a lovely bunch of people the novel racers are! I missed the introductions (were there introductions?!) so it was a struggle to work out who everyone was, but that hardly mattered!

It was lovely to see JJ again (she sends me presents all the way from Bangkok don't you know!), and Caroline, and to finally meet Zinnia who has been such a support these last few months with her wonderful comments and emails. And everyone else - I didn't get a chance to speak to everyone, but I did manage to hand out one of my sexy new business cards at one point! No idea what I got them for, but hey, they're stationery, and I love stationery!

A lovely bunch - here we all are!

It was so lovely to talk about writing, to discover I am not alone in feeling like a fraud, to hear all about A.Writer's 'wanker' story, to see JJ's new hair (I love it!)... oh just sooo much!

That meeting should keep me going for a loooong time!

But er... when's the next one?!!!

-------------------

Sadly, Desi has now gone home. To 24 degree heat and a bluer than blue sky. Am I jealous? Well maybe a teensy bit! I'm already missing speaking Spanish! ¡Que lastima!

A fascination with phone-boxes! (There are 8 like this one!)

P.S.

1. Looking for pics I found some videos that Desi took of me and the kids on the trampoline. I sound sooo weird talking in Spanish! No idea why I'm telling you this but I am!

2. Health wise, I'm doing okay. My left hand is hurting quite a bit though (making typing a bit of a bind), and I keep getting waves of nausea and sweating (loverly!) if I overdo it too much - which meant the train journey home from Manchester was hell on legs!

3. Feeling really sicky again so I'm off to watch Brothers & Sisters on hubby's laptop on the sofa with a nice brew!
Oh well - no one ever said this was gonna be easy!

the novel racers' meet...

2008-04-26T10:54:00.004+01:00

...is today...

...and I'm soooo excited!

...and running late!

ARRRRRGH!!!!

On Reflection...

2008-04-23T18:31:00.007+01:00

Are you sitting comfortably? It's a bit of a long one? Ready? Then I'll begin...

I didn't know it at the time, but in November last year, I joined a club. I wouldn't mind but it's not even that exclusive given that 1 in 3 of us will end up being made members - like it or not.

Membership is free (if you ignore the cost of prescriptions), and non-negotiable. There are a few benefits (though not applicable to everyone), such as free parking, road tax exemption, and free holidays (courtesy of charitable organisations such as the Willow Foundation ). Oh yes! And you are a member for life, too. Even if you survive the thing that afforded you membership, you can never leave the club, but you do move on to new level after 5 years. This is much more exclusive, and gives you the title survivor.

There are other, hidden benefits to membership of this club however. You get a rare opportunity to find out who really loves you, who thinks you're all right, and who couldn't give a shit. I've been so fortunate in this respect, and have had so much support that I have been able to get through this awful time. So to all of you who have cooked me dinner (some have even brought a la carte 'meals on wheels', complete with wine and good company!), have driven me into town and pretended not to notice when I've farted loudly in shops, or nearly thrown up into my shopping trolley, to those of you who send me regular texts (whassup chemo kid?!), or emailed, or phoned, who have taken me to and from hospitals, doctors, pharmacies, to those of you who have commented on my blog even though I hardly ever seem to comment on theirs these days, to those who have listened to my fears, and dried my tears when I've been at my lowest ebb, I thank you. You are all truly wonderful! I shall have an astounding number of thank you cards to write when I attain the coveted survivor level of club membership.

Although, I am a survivor, and have been since day one of my diagnosis! I have been tested, no! Am being tested, to the limit. Sometimes I find myself being jealous of breast cancer people! How crazy is that?! But when you have one of the rarer cancers, like my little pancoast jobbie, with all the pain it's causing by nestling into the nerve bed of my brachial plexus, then you do think, "lucky bastards!" Just cut it out, or off, lose the hair, take the chemo and then the pills, and LIVE! But of course, it isn't that simple is it? And loads of woman die of breast cancer too, and the associated complications and spreads. Losing a breast is both painful, and emotionally scarring, to which both my birth mother and birth grandmother, and auntie P, will all testify to. It doesn't matter what cancer you get - they're all pretty shite. Physically, emotionally, mentally and even spiritually, every day is a test of some description.

But sometimes, this turns out to be a good thing. An inspiring thing. A positive thing.

No really!

We learn more about who we are, how much we can or cannot take. When my oncologist rang me yesterday to suggest I have a further two cycles of chemotherapy in conjunction with radiotherapy (starting May 6th), I cried. More accurately, I broke down and sobbed. But I came round. I said to myself, "Okay, Lisa. If this is what he thinks I should do, then I will do it. I will get through it somehow." I put the phone down, and I went to my appointment with the wonderful woman at the hospice, and cried some more while she examined me every which way. I went through half a box of hankies while she prodded at my horrendously swollen feet, legs, and belly, and tried not to swear at her as she took yet more bloods (brilliantly, and efficiently, and with her wonderful sense of humour). She changed my meds again (which seems to be working and the swelling has decreased markedly), and listened to me with a great empathy, I thought. She said, "Of course you feel crap. You are a young and otherwise healthy woman, with a life, and there are no guarantees in this game. It is crap. There's no other word for it."

So this morning I went for my riding lesson and my moral was boosted as I managed the 'next level' of horse, riding bit-less, and on a more finely tuned animal. I forgot about the chemo thing, until this afternoon when I had to see the oncologist again, and discuss treatment.

But I did not cry. You see, I am stronger than I thought I was.

"Some of my colleagues thought that it might be an option to try chemo with the radio," he said. (Words in bold are the ones I picked up on.) "We are suggesting 4 days of Cisplatin (I hear 5 day stay in hospital) at the beginning of radiotherapy, and again at the end." (I hear 10 days in hospital, and try to reason that the health insurance will pay £100 for each night in hospital, but conclude that £1,000 is not worth it.)

We discussed much more. My oncologist pointed out that chemo will make the effects of radio (breathlessness, scarring to the lung, pain on swallowing, tiredness etc.), even worse. He points out that sometimes the standard approach, i.e. chemo, then radio, is better for some patients. My lung function was above normal, better than. He said it's very rare to see my level of lung function in a lung cancer patient, and that all the riding and hard work is paying off.

And then I learned that I cannot go through another two cycles of chemotherapy, and that I don't want to take the risks involved. I'm not strong enough for that, and yet at the same time, on the positive side, I am still aware enough, still able to take the information I have and sift through it to make an informed, rational, considered decision. All is not lost.

And I'm not having any more bloody chemo!

And I must tell you - chemotherapy was awful for me. I have seen maybe one person sail through it, but most of us suffered terribly. I didn't lose my hair, or need blood transfusions, and my veins didn't collapse. I never had a fever, or infection either, so in many respects I sailed through compared to my new found 'club' friends! But I lost my dignity as they pricked me and poked me, invaded my body with needles and fluids, hands and eyes. As I farted helplessly and pee-ed in a measuring jug. As I vomited and retched for what felt like an eternity, but was only a matter of days at a time. I watched others lose their dignity as they writhed and/or screamed in pain, or lost control of their bowels and shat all over themselves and the ward - trying to keep composed through the stench, to offer support, to say, "It's okay," when really we all know it just so isn't.

I lost the capacity to wash my own hair, having my daughter bathe me. I learned patience - something I very much lacked. And yet through this long assault on my poor body it has done me proud. The piles have cleared up. My body has taken the pain killing drugs with minimal fuss (although it didn't like the higher doses of morphine and came out in an angry rash and swelling!). It allows me to ride horses and keep on typing. What can I say? I have learned to love it, and hope to god it keeps going for quite a bit longer - I mean, I'm still on my first bloody novel, eh!

I've also learned that you have to be strong for everyone else too. I see the pain in the eyes of those closest to me, their helplessness, and yet they don't seem to realise that they are doing more than enough just by being there.

And on this journey, through this club membership, I have met the most wonderful people, have been places and done things I wouldn't have done otherwise. I've learned things I would never have known before. I have gotten a grip of my anger (yes Rob, I was soooo angry, really I was! Angry at trying to be a mother, wife, lover, daughter, student, lecturer, friend, writer, etc. etc. and feeling as though I was failing miserably at all of them). I have learned to manage my mind and negative thought processes much more effectively and am still working on this in particular.

I have seen how fragile and precious this thing life is, and it pains me to see people in pain, stressed, struggling about things I now know to be wholly insignificant; how we give ourselves roles and labels: I was all those things I listed above and now I am what? Cancer Patient?! I throw away the labels - they do not define me. I refuse to let them.

I love and, am loved. I am alive. I am healthy. I try my best. These are the only things that should matter. I don't mean to lecture, but when you have the metaphorical carpet of life ripped out from under your feet, you tend to see the world with a new perspective.

One that shifts and changes, and scares the pants off you!

And yet, would I change a thing?

Probably not!

Home Again

2008-04-21T17:47:00.022+01:00

Home from Home

Hello All,

I'm home again, after a wonderful week at center parcs (yup - that's how they spell it). Instead of relaxing, I ran around like a lunatic, cycling from one place to another to do horse-riding, archery, falconry, swimming, bowling... you name it really. And, er... sleeping too!

I would have written sooner too, only our BT Home Hub is being a complete git, and refusing to work properly! Hopefully, I'll have a connection long enough to complete this entry - as yesterday I just gave up!

The weather was superb. Out of our five days, we only had one dubious day, and as I was in the outdoor heated spa pool, and the skies remained blue, it didn't matter that hail stones were falling. In fact, it just made it all the more wonderful, especially as a little wild bunny chose just that moment to have a nibble on the lawn. Missed the bunny with the camera, but did snap a quick one of the pool.

I went to the spa twice - over indulgent perhaps, but I do have cancer, you know! And it did cost an absolute fortune but was worth it. Just. The first time I took A, the eldest, and we had some lovely mother and daughter time, giggling like little children in the Japanese Salt Steam Bath (smelled horrendous and was soooo hot!), and practically running each other over in a bid to get out of the Balinese Room (burning feet/face/lungs). Makes me wonder how people enjoy those things. For me, it was the hydrotherapy pool, with its under-water jets coming at you from all angles, the outdoor heated pool, and water-bed relaxation areas - not forgetting the shampoo and conditioner provided in the changing rooms.

She's sooo heavy, mum, but really soft!

With K, the youngest, we discovered the ancient sport of kings - falconry - and met some lovely people. The European Eagle Owl was a lovely lady of four years old, fantastic manners, and just look at her fluffy feet! We also saw/learned about Kestrels, Falcons, Buzzards, and Harrison Hawks - the aerial acrobats of the birdie world.

We all flew a Buzzard, too!

After that we went straight of to be Robin Hoods for the afternoon, although the bloke wasn't half as sweet as Bird Man, it has to be said! He handed out the kit for archery with a face that said he'd much rather be in the spa. Just to wind him up, we all made sure we had a cracking time!

Maid Marion and Mother!

K was a bit of a natural with a bow and arrow. We both got a bull's eye, but mine was more of a happy accident! She gave that one a four out of five, whereas the falconry scored a five out of five!

And yes of course, you guessed it, if there's horses, I'll find them! This is Warrior...

Warrior

Warrior is a handsome cob who didn't flinch when a tornado jet buzzed us at what felt like a mere 100 foot above us. Nor was he bothered when roe deer flew out from the thicket and leapt across the road. Oh yes, it was idyllic, riding through Whinfell Forest, just outside the park. Fast gallops and gentle trots. Plenty of wildlife too.

View from a Warrior

But guess what? Warrior is scared stupid of bunny rabbits! He spooked each time a tiny white cotton tail appeared in the distance. And he didn't much like the air-brakes on the truck when we had to trot up the main road either!

There's so much to tell, and no room (or time) here. Suffice to say we had a much needed break. There were tears, when I cocked up the time-table and hubby, K and A, missed their activity climbing in the trees (oh dear - damn that chemo-brain!). They consoled me, and said it didn't matter, but I still felt like crap about it. Thank God I have such a forgiving family!

On the last day, K and I went walking with Llamas - and these guys are scared of nothing! Just nosey, curious, kissy creatures from start to finish. Now that's something I would recommend everyone have a go at given the opportunity!

Can I keep him, mummy? Please??!!

Kisses from William

Would I recommend Center Parcs? Well, a resounding YES! But only if you are very rich or don't mind just swimming (the only thing that is free is the pool complex). It was lovely to get out on bikes and feel safe in the knowledge that no cars are going to appear behind you, or your kids. And the wildlife was great too. Remember all the times I tried to snap a pheasant? Well, we saw pheasants every where - and they were as bold as brass too!

Little Hesitant Scribe and KLAN Ratcliffe

2008-04-13T18:11:00.007+01:00

I'm afraid I am a very sad person. (And I don't mean upset/miserable!)

No really.

A complete SADDO (in capital letters!).

*Hangs head in shame*

Look what I bought...

I tried to resist - I did - honest.

But I couldn't...

Little Hesitant Scribe

He was just soooo soft!

And he's a unicorn...

(...and I have a thing about unicorns! A since I was teeny tiny thing about unicorns.)

And he came with a name a star thing, so there is now a star in the sky that I named! How cool is that?!

Of course the scientific community will call it something else, like KG568273, but the International Star Registry will know it as;

KLAN Ratcliffe

Because I think my little clan have all been little stars throughout all of the trauma of the last 6 months. And then some.

And I got a certificate too!

Look!

If you look closely you can see the co-ordinates of our family star and even find it on Google! See how sad I am!

(But extremely excited too!)

Even more exciting is the fact that (as you already know!) we're off to Center Parcs (or however you spell it) so won't be here for a week - but rest assured will tell you all about it the minute I get back!

Have a lovely week yourselves!

Blogger is confusing me!

2008-04-12T10:20:00.010+01:00

I'm afraid I've been a bit slow on the old award front again.

Sorry folks. *hangs head in faux- shame*

It's just, in my joy of feeling rather well, I've been running around too much and spending any time on the computer, (or writing either if truth be told!). I mean, it's Saturday again! How on earth did that happen?

Thursday I did what? Why can#t I remember what I did on Thursday! Oh dear.

I have just checked my diary to see what I did Thursday, and I had a riding lesson. AND I posted about that, and the scan results (which most certainly didn't come back until Thursday), only Blogger says I posted all those things on Wednesday.

But I didn't do them until Thursday...

Either blogger is going mad, or I am psychic! Has anyone else had this happen?! (Or am I completely wrong on this one, and it actually says Thursday, but I've gone mad? eeek)

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Awards.

I have very kindly been given an award (which you can find at the bottom right of this page) from Clairesgarden.

And the rules state that I should pass this award on to 10 other Bloggs.

Now this is difficult because there are soooo many wonderful blogs out there.

So here's the 10 I read the most - and I won't include Clairesgarden simply because she passed it on to me!

In no particular order...

1. JJ at Tea-stains
2. Lane at Laneswrite
3. Rob at Topsyturvydom - from whence I stole the link for the 'Procrastination' video :)
4. Mother X at Living with Autism
5. Rising Rainbow at Mikael's Mania - Arabian Horses
6. Annie at The Write Eye
7. Carol at from the field book
8. Sarah G at Just get on with it p.s. see vid below - it's perfect for the title of your blog!
9. Dot at West Pier Words
10. Jon at Writing in a Vacuum

And now a little video called 'Procrastination' which I am sure everyone will love, and relate to! I know I certainly do!

Another Perfect Day

2008-04-09T14:43:00.008+01:00

A Perfect Sky for Another Perfect Day

I have spent hours (albeit enjoyable hours!) trying to figure out a) whether or not to put post-nominal letters on my business cards, and b) what order to put them in, only no-one had a clue, and google was not forthcoming. But it's okay now... Rob just saved the day.

(JJ has one and I liked it so much I decided I just had to have some too. I have no idea what I'll use them for but it seems just the sort of thing a young professional writer needs!).

What else?

Busy busy busy week!

I feel as though I've been everywhere, rushing around like a lunatic - much more like my old self!

Had another CT Scan on Tuesday - spying on the gremlin. This time the waiting room was like a re-union! Lots of 'hello's and 'how are you?'s from people I've met in various oncological settings.

The young man who put 3 holes in me last time, tissued my veins and then had to get his superior to do it anyway, was there again. "I'm very sorry," I said, "I don't want to be rude, but can you get your superior to this?" He looked shocked and informed me that he was perfectly capable. "I'm sure you're very capable," I said, "but you couldn't get it last time, and after another 2 lots of chemo, you've got no chance this time - so if you don't mind, I'd really like your superior to do it." He relented and went to get her. It took her about 10 minutes to find a vein and plump it up, but she was straight in with minimal pain (which is what we like!). I also informed them that last time no one measured it, so could they please a) measure it, and b) compare it with previous scans?!

Amazingly the results came back today! There's no change (as expected really). No bigger - YAY! No spread - YAY! Onward and Upward with radiotherapy as scheduled to start on 21st April.

Enough of that stuff anyway...

Don't tell hubby but I went riding yesterday AND today!!! How naughty am I?!

Yesterday I rode Pete. This is Pete.

We did lots of flat work, and I came away feeling I'd learned tons. Plus, I did 45 minutes which I haven't managed since before chemo! Today I had another 45 minute lesson - jumping this time, on Winnie. It was wonderful, and I jumped 2 ft 6 inches.

Other news includes things like:
- buying matching bra and knicker sets for the first time ever. Yes ever! 38, and I've never invested in decent lingerie - oh the shame!
- calling into work and having a brew and a catch up (after my CT Scan!)
- seeing the wonderful palliative doctor and having her tweak my meds (so today, for example, I've only taken 10 ml of oramorph as opposed to the 80ml+ I was taking before I saw her!)
- seeing lots of friends and generally catching up on my, erm, life!

Still going to write that post-chemo reflection, but technically still on chemo until Sunday night, so there's plenty of time!

Keep laughing - a giggle a day keeps the doctor away!

i bring it on myself...

2008-04-07T12:02:00.004+01:00

You won't believe how busy I've been!

Gallivanting here, there, and everywhere...

I've been trying to sit down to post a long(ish) reflection on chemo, but have I had a chance?!

This morning the phone has started ringing again the minute I put it down... and now I have to go and get all pampered - oh, it is a hard life you know ;)

So the reflection will have to wait.

In the meantime, hubby has relented, and look who's coming to live with us!

Haiku for a Tabby Kitten

three days old, he mews
small in the palm of my hand
eyes closed to the world

I am soooo excited - only 8 weeks to wait!

2008-04-05T10:20:00.007+01:00

This week has flown by. Used to being prostrate on the sofa, slobbering into cushions for 6 hours at a stretch, time takes on a strange new dimension once you're on your feet again. And I've been a busy, busy little girl this week...

Thursday was actually Wednesday but felt like Friday in the grand chemo-fied scale of things, but I...

(just started writing about Wednesday and Tesco - which I already did, didn't I?! Oh dear!)

... went to meet my friend for a coffee in a lovely country pub, and tried not a) fart loudly, or b) throw up in me chips. Luckily, neither happened, and a good time was had by all. I also - deep breath - went to mother-in-law's for more coffee, took car to garage to get battery checked, spent an hour walking around the street market (good day to leave car in garage!), and treated self to sexy little 25 litre rucksack to take to Centre Parcs with me (black with orange trim, since you ask).

Got home absolutely knackered having completely overdone it, as per, and then sent little one up for a bath, and asked big one to check her hair...

The screams were unmerciful!

Of laughter from the little one, at the screams of terror from the big one.

Okay so they were BIG lice. Well no. HUGE lice! In fact, I didn't know they got that big this far north of the equator.

Not only that but there were sooo many of them. Big one made very intelligent observations for a 15 year old, such as;

"It's got 6 legs! You can count them!"

Well done. All insects have 6 legs. Also, GCSE maths will be a doddle now you can count to 6.

"It's alive." (Followed by, "Why isn't it dead?!")

Again. Good observation. I think the fact that it was walking along the edge of the bath might have been the give away here. It was alive, I suggested, because she hadn't yet killed it.

Are you scratching yet?

Hubby went to the barber's and got his head shaved! Any that may have landed on me will have been instantly poisoned or fallen out with the masses of hair I appear to be losing at the moment!

Friday was nit free. YAY!

I went to see a new doctor at the hospice. I didn't want to go to the hospice because my aunt went there, and she died of cancer. But I wanted Reiki, and they offer it there, so I went.

"And how do you feel about having to come here?" asked the nurse in a rather condescending manner upon my arrival, "to a hospice?" (In case I wasn't sure where it was I'd had to come to...)

How do you think I feel about coming here? I thought. It's f**king wonderful. Yes. Always wanted to have to come to a hospice!

I said, "I've only come for Reiki! I'm not dying!"

She looked confused. "Our computer said... Okay. Well, let's start with your medication then-"

Lots of awkward silence. Lots of questions about meds, pain, and more meds. I mean LOTS of questions. And the entire time, there's this stomach wrenching smell of hospital, and that oh-so clinical faux living room atmosphere - EXIT signs on the door and window, fire alarms, chintz fabric covered chairs by medi-mass-produce and co.

BUT - before I make everything out to be totally horrid, I was taken through to see the doc once nurse was done with me.

And doc was wonderful! *HUGE GRINS & THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!*

She is a palliative care doc. She knows about tumours and the pain they cause, and even more importantly, she knows her drugs. She said the current tabs didn't address the types of pain I'm getting (not kidding!), and that we can't do reiki until we get the musculo-skeletal pain sorted out.

So I have a new regime. Gone are the 50 billion tablets a day, and the liquid morphine, and the hours of break through pain. Now I have a couple of slow-release pills at 8pm, and a couple in the morning, and that's that. Last night I slept right through and woke up refreshed. No waking at 1am and 3am, and 5am, and 7am for morphine. And today, even though it'll take 3 days for the meds to all kick in properly, I've walked all around town shopping with my mother, and eldest, in relative comfort.

And I get reiki soon too, once the pain has been sorted out!

Things are most definitely looking up!

As the fug slowly clears... (plus a short story conference if you're interested?)

2008-04-02T12:28:00.004+01:00

I stopped taking the sedatives last night. I figured that a week was long enough and that I should get on with sleeping all by myself again.

I woke up at 1 am, and 5 am, in agony both times, and with nausea... but by 8 am, nausea aside, I felt more awake than I have done since Day 1 of the cycle. So while I'm grateful to the sedatives for helping me sleep through the first week, I'm also quite pleased to be beginning the 'return to normal' phase of the chemo cycle!

Actually made it to Tesco today too (other supermarkets are available...). I had to rope in my friend's fella to take me, but he was marvellous and even carried my handbag round while I tried not to throw up in my trolley. I know hubby will come home and say, "Why did you do that?! I would have gone for you!" but it's baby steps, and I just wanted to go myself and look on shelves. You know? It's a small, but real achievement. (If I'm this pleased about Tesco, imagine how pleased I'll be when my novel gets published and I buy a horse!!!)

Yesterday's achievement was walking into the village and back to post a parcel. It was like being in someone else's body, and about ten minutes into the walk the pain in my shoulder started up big time. My legs felt like lead, and the ringing in my ears made the world so loud and tinny. I got overtaken by a woman who was definitely on the wrong side of 90. So I was walking along singing, "Heave ho! On we go! One foot in front of the other..." and I imagined I was on a pirate ship, hoisting a sail up. I got a few odd looks but I made it there and back. Even if it did take me the best part of 50 mins to do a 20 min trip.

You see sometimes, you just gotta lower your expectations!

There's a few exciting things in the pipeline though. There's Centre Parcs, and I'm determined to get a riding lesson in next week. I have a lunch meeting tomorrow too... lots of stuff. Plus the novel racers are meeting up, and that is by far the most exciting thing ever!!!

And for the writers... news of a short story conference follows...

(I use far too many ellipses, don't I?)

Oceans of Stories Conference

It's Conference time again, folks. I've been to the last two Short Story Conferences organised by Edge Hill, and even gave a paper at last year's (although not going to be doing that this year, ho hum). I think it's a fantastic way to keep abreast of academic debate in the area of the short story...

or equally... it's just great to meet other writers, eat, drink, and be merry! Don't be put off by it being 'academic'. It's never a dry affair - far from it. Al Kennedy had me (and everyone else!) in stitches when she opened the first one, two years ago.

You should be able to click on the poster for all the details, but if not, email me and I'll send you a copy of the poster in pdf.

When: Saturday 10th May 2008
Where: Dean Walters Building, John Moores University, Liverpool.

Hope to see you there.

last trip to hospital for chemo - hurrah!

2008-03-31T12:08:00.003+01:00

Hurrah! Today is the last day I have to go get chemo. This is a day to celebrate indeed!

Now here's what's confusing...

Today is Monday - but because I had the chemo a day later due to Easter hols, it's really only Sunday inside my body.

So today is like Sunday (i.e. sleepy bobies/face down on couch time)... because the steroids have run out...

But am really feeling like it's Wednesday because am sitting up on the computer (...ish!), and even contemplating having a shower - while talking on msn IN SPANISH! And not only in Spanish, but in stupid Spanish texty msnny speak! Like 'ketal' instead of 'que tal'...

How fabulous am I?!!!

*Promptly falls off chair and lands in chemo-fied heap*

What was that about pride and falls again?!

Oh No! Please don't cry! :)

2008-03-29T13:46:00.003Z

Good Afternoon, All!

What a wonderful day it is. Yes, despite the rain, and the grey skies! (After all, may garden needs some watery loving if it's to come up all green this spring!) It is a wonderful day, despite the c-word, and the gallbladder attack I had last night - what bloody fun! (Because on the bright side, I have liquid morphine on hand now, so just took a load of that and it soon settled down!)

Also had some proper good sleeps, so although I'm still totally whacked, I'm not crying and sad whacked!

I have to say, at the end of this chemo lark, what an interesting journey it's been. I still have a booster (set of chemo pills - Vinorelbine) to have on Monday, and given I'm a day behind after the Easter Bank hols, I'm wondering how I'll actually get to the hospital, but then that will be the end of it. No more chemo. No more awful being plugged into an IV line that hurts my veins and turns them into 'old rope'. There are no words as to how fantastic this feels!

And then there's some lovely things in the pipe-line... only one of which is the trip to Centre Parcs. So I'll keep you all updated as and when things happen. And of course, I have my eye on the Farmers Guardian for Horsie Ads, whilst doing lots of positive thinking about being healthy and well, and being in full remission.

So all in all, things are going well.

Which leads me back to saying, don't cry!

I love the fact that some of you have been moved by my writing, but please don't be sad! Be inspired to love your own life, whatever problems you may have. Wake up in the morning and give thanks for being alive (in other words, don't wait till nature sticks a gun against your head before you appreciate it!). Open the curtains and look out at the weather whatever it's doing and remember it isn't raining to be horrid to you, it's just being itself - the weather!

I've been through merry hell and back, but in the midst of it all I have learned so much. And the most important lesson of all is that I love being alive and I want to live for a very long time. Even when curled up with gallbladder pains, or throwing up in a bowl, looking like utter shit, dealing with constipation and piles... the list is endless... I still choose LIFE!

Oh - and the novel! Must get novel written! Working on it folks! Really. I am! I'd have finished Chapter 2 if they hadn't have plugged my right hand in to the old IV!!!

Home Again and doing okay...

2008-03-27T15:46:00.002Z

The last session of chemo went reasonably smoothly. I think that was down to the fact that it was the last one and every time I felt wobbly I just told myself, "It's the last one" and I felt much more able to cope. I also keep on telling myself that I am healthy and strong, and feel really good. I think it is working!

The nurse said the veins in my left arm are already like old rope, so she had to plug me into the chemo on the right hand, which meant no writing for me this stay. Yeah right! Like I ever get much writing done in there any way!

Next to me this time was an older lady who had an unfortunate accident and another woman who had bladder control issues, so I'm afraid it was the stench of bodily fluids as far as the eye could smell. (Bit like cycle two as I recall...) I really do admire those nurses who can clean it up so well. I was retching all the way to the jug room and back again (remember we have to pee in a jug to measure fluids in and out?!).

There was a woman who is terminal in there too - just so depressing. The hospital is the worse place to be if you're trying to get by on positive thinking, I tell you!

So a relief to be home on Wednesday away from the poo and the wee, and the dying. I felt pretty icky but not as bad as previous cycles I don't think. The pain is fairly do-able too, and no painkillers as yet, so feeling pleased about that too. Goodness me, I shall be on the up from now on! No more chemo IV! No more Cisplatin! Oh I am pleased!

I am healthy and strong and feeling good. Repeat after me!

Should I? Shouldn't I?

2008-03-24T09:06:00.004Z

Someone like biko perhaps?!

I've been wanting a horse for ages now, but keep telling myself I'm not ready yet.

So I threw my hands up to the universe (which has always been an excellent provider) and asked for somewhere to keep a horse, and someone to help me with it, and a horse.

And I waited.

And lo and behold, in the last week I have been offered somewhere to keep a horse, someone experienced to share it with (T), AND even a horse, on loan!

Sadly, thinking about it sensibly, the horse for loan isn't really suitable. She's a lovely mare, with what seems to be a lovely a nature (in the short time I spent with her on Friday), and she was good as gold when I lead her out to the field and turned her out.

At 15 hands, she's too small for me really (I want something 16.2 +), and she's too small for T. Also, T might like to compete, and so might I for that matter, so I need something well schooled that can help bring me on, and so sadly, this mare isn't the one. I will go and see her over the summer though.

BUT it has got me thinking really seriously about owning a horse. I started looking at ads in The Farmers Guardian and found a couple of perfect horses, for under £3K, with tack. Not that I have 3K, but the universe will provide if it's meant to be :)

It's a big commitment though, isn't it? It's 24/7, Christmas, New Year, Bank Hols. It's twice a day (although if I share with T, it'll be part time and therefore more do-able). And the cost is heavy duty too - and I'm out of work now. And if in work, there's no time to do it all any way, so you end up paying full livery fees for someone else to look after your horse!) But then it might just be the thing to keep me alive, you know. Healthy outdoor living. All that exercise.

Costs - ones I can think of off the top of my head...

Livery (room and board!)
Shoes and/or trimming every 6-8 weeks.
Feed
Veterinary Fees
Dental Fees
Tack/Clothing (rugs, bits and bobs that need replacing)
Lessons (because you still need those!)

I've seen so many people rush into buying a horse in the 18 months since I started riding. People who buy the perfect animal and fulfil their dreams only to find they're terrified of it 3 months later when it takes the rise out of them and completely walks all over them (literally in some cases). Or they realise they can't handle mucking out twice a day, everyday, so they stop going to the stable, and just leave the horse alone for days on end. I really don't want that to happen to me.

I need a gelding who is a gent. Who will let my kids ride him, and yet who has some potential to do more - just a little more. Some dressage, some jumping, hacking out... Can you see me in Pony Club ha ha ha!

I guess I ought to start to doing those pools, eh. Or better still - like, erm, finish my novel and sell the bloody thing, and repeat!

nearly forgot...

2008-03-23T12:35:00.002Z

... to say look what my children did this week!

No more Garden until Autumn!

I went out for lunch on Wednesday, and came home to discover the girls had put the trampoline up, all by themselves!

As you can see, there isn't a lot of garden left once the 13ft tramp is up, but by golly is it fun!

Of course it's rained non-stop since they put it up...

... but today is dry so I put a big coat on and went and had a little bounce. A very little bounce. And one somersault.

Have just taken some codeine and paracetamol, so should recover in time to cook the roast!

Happy Easter!

2008-03-23T09:32:00.003Z

Happy Easter to everyone. May you gorge yourself on chocolate and other luscious things.

My 8 year old woke me up this morning with hot buttered toast and orange juice. How wonderful is that!?

I do have a little pain in my shoulder, and Diclofenac seems not to be working any more (so been swigging away at the oramorph through the night), but I'm going to jolly well ignore it and cook a big Sunday dinner for the family regardless! I got lovely leg of lamb to do, with all the trimmings. Let's hope I can remember how to do a roast - it's been that long. And apologies to all the veggies out there :(

I can't believe it's Sunday already. Where did this week go?! I can't even think what I've done, either! I've been out everyday though... visiting people, doing stuff, shopping! Cramming it all in before the last lot of chemo on Tuesday!

The last lot! Hurrah!!! It'll be something to focus on while feeling crap. I shouldn't say that! I'm going to sail through this final lot! Sail through, I tell you!

Old English Money (for no apparent reason)

2008-03-21T16:17:00.005Z

More lovely days! In fact, so lovely I've been out and about rather than stuck infront of the computer!

_________________________________________
Did you know that horses are still sold in guineas?!

This got me thinking. Like what on earth is a guinea worth? And what is the deal with old English coinage?

To the first question, it turns out a guinea is worth £1.05 so the auctioneer take the extra 5ps as commission! Also, you paid tradesmen in pounds, but artists in guineas, in times gone by.

The answer to the second question took about three hours with my dad going, "Now well I think that was it... no hang on a minute..." and me going, "I am soooo confused! How did you ever do maths at school?!"

And then on Wednesday, whilst out for lunch with the girls and shopping, the man in the rock shop gave us a printed out list that made it all very clear.

So here goes:

The symbols:

Pounds (£) Shillings (s) and Pence (d)

The coins before 1972 in England:

4 farthings (or four things) = 1 penny (1d)
2 ha'pennies (half pennies) = 1 penny
thruppence (a thruppeny bit) = 3 pennies
sixpence (six penny bit OR tanner) = 6 pennies
shilling = 12 pennies
two shilling piece (two bob or florin) = 24 pennies
half-crown = 2 shillings and sixpence (2s 6d) = 30 pennies
crown (five shilling piece) = 5 shillings (5s) = 60 pennies
one pound coin (sovereign) = 240 pennies

And in Note form:
one pound (quid) = 20 shillings = 240 pennies

There's lots more interesting facts here

Another cracking day!

2008-03-19T18:24:00.012Z

Almost looking like a proper rider what knows wot to do!

Today was another one of those wonderful days, and I've a feeling most days are going to be wonderful from now on. (Now there's positive thinking if I do say so myself!)

First thing this morning my friend came over to come with me to the stables to watch my lesson.

"I've brought a camera," she said. "I hope you don't mind if I take some pictures."

Mind?! Are you crazy?!!

It was a jumping lesson on a mare called Siobhan. She's a feisty one and had her ears pinned back as soon as I approached, so my instructor put her bridle on, saying she was paid to risk getting bitten. I'm at the stage where I kind of wanted to be taught how to deal with her, but I let her get on and settled on watching intently. The technique? Go in to stable confidently and simply put on bridle, taking care not to get fingers in mouth. Easy!

I rode Siobhan (silly name for a horse!) last jumping lesson, and although I was told she can get excited, she hadn't last time. Obviously she was just duping me into a false sense of security! As soon as we started jumping she stepped up the pace (which of course was marvellous fun!). We did cross poles and a low upright, but the purpose of today's lesson was to start learning about combinations of jumps, and making it round a little course. I had such fun, despite not having an awful lot of control over where she went, or how fast she went there!

First route:

It started well, at least! Made the sharp turn from C to H and towards B, and jumped the little upright. But then she ran out to the side of the pole on the ground, and ran out on the next jump too. But then I fought with her and won, over the final jump - hurrah! That's why I'm leaning to the side so much as we did a bit of zig-zagging before she agreed at the last minute! We did eventually get round following the intended route, so was very pleased.

Over ya go ye wee bugger!

Second Route:

This time Siobhan got really excited. The first time round I managed to get around the intended path, but it was jerky and difficult. After that, to quell her excitement, we were supposed to trot in a controlled manner over ONE jump, and then canter the rest, only she put her foot on the gas at C with sheer joy, and raced over both sets of cross poles (as illustrated above)! Try as I might I couldn't get her to jump one without the other, and in the end she landed badly on her front foot and we called it a day.

What did ya say we were meant to do? Go where?!

It was such good fun. I love jumping! And I love the challenge of trying to work out a course and get the horse to actually follow it! I was going to go on hack on Friday, but the road's gone and collapsed - which is very selfish of it I think - so no hacking till they fix it. Boo hoo.

Addendum: My friend took a wee video too... (note that Siobhan wanted to go over the second set of poles and I had a real fight to get her to turn in, hence the wobbles!)

After riding I met up with two of my old students for lunch. I had such a good time, and it was lovely to catch up with them at the end of their final year. It reminded me of how stressful that time was - trying to finish a dissertation along with countless other essays. It was a nightmare (and this is meant as consolation all you final year BA students!) that only paled into insignificance when I started the PGCE (Primary) straight afterwards! Anyway, we had a lovely lunch, great conversation and a good laugh. And they brought me an orchid! How cool is that!

Beautiful flowers to love and look after

And the day isn't over yet... having had a fab meal cooked by hubby, I'm off to luxuriate in a lavender bath to ease the old shoulder pain.

And Easter is coming too! Chocolate! Can't cope!

Good News Bad News

2008-03-17T19:47:00.003Z

Good News: I wrote a short story and did send it off.

Bad News: But I couldn't tell you because it was a big secret.

Good News: It got short-listed for Radio 4, making it into the final 15.

And I was dead excited! And wanted to tell everyone.

Bad News: But couldn't.

Good News: I did very well to make the final 15 and the editor said they loved reading it.

Bad News: Only it didn't make the final 5.

Never mind. It is a start! I actually made a shortlist!

____________________________________________

Rode Henry today and had a fabulous time. We did flat work, and I learned to control his enthusiasm. Henry has 2 speeds; walk, and canter. I learned that by turning him into a tiny circle he has to slow down to trot, bend lots and work loads - which of course he objects too. After a circle or six, he finally got the message and kept a steady trot for me, so then I let him have a brisk canter as a reward.

Fantastic. I feel like I've really learned something today.

Plus - no sickness, and only taking diclofenac for what is a very mild pain in the shoulder.

And I had coffee with a friend I haven't seen in years, after which hubby cooked dinner.

A perfect day, I'd say!

Confidence Issues?

2008-03-16T17:07:00.010Z

Penguin Feet

(borrowed from Grant & Susan Antarctica)

JJ was talking about having confidence issues over at Tea-Stains She was talking about her work as a sculpture, and about writing too if I'm not mistaken.

And it got me thinking.

Because it seems a lot of us have confidence issues.

Especially, dare I say it... us women.

When it comes to confidence issues I think perhaps, I might be a little bit of an expert.

I didn't begin life with confidence issues. No child does. A baby doesn't come into the world thinking, "If I try to talk they'll laugh at me." No. It babbles away, blowing raspberries and cooing. It's the same when it comes to getting around. Does the baby think to itself, better not let anyone see me falling on my face? No, life does not begin with confidence issues. Experience causes them. Lots of experiences.

One of my biggest confidence issues came from being bullied as a child in school. Ten years of it, to be exact. Either I was a complete bastard who was so mean and nasty to everyone that I deserved to be beaten to pulp every day, or I was such a sad little loser that the laws of survival of the fittest meant I didn't deserve to live... But I was only 7 when it started. And on my first day of school in England the only thing I said was, "Would you guys play with me?" Okay, so I was talking to girls, and admittedly I had a very strong Canadian accent, but still. "We're girls, not guys. F***ing get her!" was not the response I had anticipated - especially not when they were only 7 years old too!

And once it starts, confidence falters and then runs as fast as it can. So I became a victim who learned to hate myself, lose faith in any abilities I had... you can work out the rest, I'm sure.

Of course you can survive just about anything if you put your mind to it, and eventually, at 17, I removed myself from the area and began a new life in London, but it took years (and plenty more harrowing experiences) before I really began to build confidence in myself. Indeed, I am still working on it, but at least I am now sharing my writing with whoever will listen. Now I have the confidence to say it's okay if people don't like what I write. Damn - it's okay if they don't like me! Bullying is something I hope to write about after I finish my novel - something to help others who have been bullied to see that it is not the end of the world and can actually be very positive in terms of character building!

So you're probably wondering why the Penguin pic at the outset of this post. Well, one of the many silly (but nonetheless hurtful) things the kids at school used to say was that I walked like a penguin, and they would call me Penguin Feet. And back in the 1970s we didn't have Pingu, or Happy Feet to soften the blow. To make it worse, I was a scrawny, lanky kid too, so I kind of gangled about and was ever so self conscious about it all.

I do actually have what nicer people might call 10 to 2 feet. And it makes horse riding somewhat difficult (though nothing like skiing!). A couple of weeks ago I was talking to a horsie person about this very problem.

"My feet are on at the wrong angle," I explained to this new friend. "It means I can't have my feet parallel and bend my knees, so I can't have my feet parallel to the horse in stirrups either."

Look.

She looked.

She didn't look convinced. I think she thought I was trying to get out of the fact that in all the pics of me riding, my feet are sticking out enough to make me fail BHS exams! The conversation moved on and I thought the topic had been forgotten.

But later, as we walked across a field, she looked down at my feet and exclaimed, "Bloody hell! You really do walk like a penguin!"

I looked at her, slightly irked at her excitement. Like she'd discovered Anne Boleyn had 6 fingers and a 3rd breast (really, she did!).

"But I mean it's really pronounced isn't it?!" she continued. And then the real beauty, "Did you carry your children on your feet when they were small?!" Little waddling dance to illustrate concept followed.

And the reason I tell you all this is not to make friend out to be tactless git - I'd like to think she was embarrassed and covered it up with humour.

I think perhaps the reason that she felt able to go on like that (and on and on she did go I'm afraid), was that she recognised that I am now so comfortable and confident in my skin that it doesn't matter that I have feet that stick out. And I can laugh about it now. And even better, it makes a cracking little anecdote to boot!

So confidence issues come, but they also go! And that is wonderful news. For all of us.

P.S.

Penguins do not even have feet that stick out because if they did, their eggs would roll away! Even ducks have straight feet - splayed but on straight. Pity it's taken me till tonight to realise that one, eh!

From Aquarium Kaiyukan