What a difference an 'a' makes (and other ramblings)

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emerging

Firstly, thank you for your emails and comments through what has been the most horrendous time so far. Somewhere between the constant pain, nausea, and lack of sleep, I really did begin to wonder what the hell was going to happen to me. Blogging that last entry took every last bit of strength, and afterwards I collapsed again, unable to move the laptop away. At one point I had visions of having to dictate to someone, to post for me… Lisa is unable to blog today… Like Julie Darling who died of cancer in the end. Thoughts too horrid to contemplate.

But things pass. And thankfully that awful despair, and feelings of loss of control, have passed.

Julie came over yesterday morning and quite literally dragged me back from the brink. She rang the hospital and arranged a meeting with the cancer nurse, and then took me up there for some answers. Basically the tumour hasn't shrunk, but then it hasn't grown either. Or spread. So while half of me feels that all this horrid chemo has been a waste of time, the other half says, well, we're no worse off than we were before.

A new plan of action is needed.

We got the pain relief sorted out, so that is one thing. I knew the tumour hadn't shrunk because I'm still in so much pain. Now I have morphine so I can get through the night, and that has made a huge difference. I haven't even taken it yet, but just having it there seemed to do the trick!

I have an awful feeling that I need to make some huge decisions about my life before I'm going to get better. I've been having some pretty weird dreams in which I’m trying to climb up vertical roads, hills, and in one, a lecture theatre?! I’m pleased to say that I have, in every instance so far, made it over whatever obstacles have been in the way, but it’s taken the entire night usually.

So. What next. The oncologist tomorrow and a new plan of action. Try to keep going. A swim perhaps before Friday, and maybe even a riding lesson (okay, so might need a bit of a miracle there but who knows…).

P.S.

I am hoping that in all of this I will become a better person, and find something useful to do with the rest of my life, but I don’t mind telling you, my sense of humour is being severely tested here, and if any of those gods I don’t believe in are reading this, I could really use a bit of help right now! Half an hour without retching would be a good place to start.