Photo-tagged

I have tagged myself from The Write Eye because it's brilliant. Thank you Annieye for inspiring me! It's also cheered me up because I've been a bit tearful - can't think why?!!! Plus it's taken my mind off having to go into hospital overnight again - although I am looking forward to hitting this cancer with another load of chemo (cisplatin and vinorelbine to use their full names - cisplatin is fluffy and shocking pink, and vinorelbine is bright orange and spikey - I may have told you this already? Anyway, in my head they link arms with my white cells and peacefully, but firmly, remove all the cancer cells which are gooey and black, like globules of tar.)

Enough of that depressing stuff - moving along to happy nice things:

Please feel free to tag yourself, and do let me know so I can check out your pics/choices!

Here are the destructions:

1. Answer the questions by typing your answers into Photo Bucket.
2. Pick a pic that sums it up best and paste the copy the html code (bottom left of the photo image) and paste directly into your post.
3. You can’t copy the persons answers who posted this before you!
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Your age next birthday


A place you'd like to visit

Your favourite object



Your favourite place (Tis where I grew up)


Your favourite food sorry to all the cattle out there)



Your favourite animal (no prizes for guessing this one!)


Your favourite colour


The town you were born in


The town where you live now



The name of your pet



The first name of the one you love



Your nickname



Your middle name



A bad habit of yours



Your first job



Your grandmother's name (my mum's mum)



Your favourite book
("there ain't no diffrent churches in heaven 'cos everybody in heaven is inside themselves." I cheated and didn't use photobucket for this one as it wasn't there, and it is my absolute favourite book of all time! Sorry.)
You simply must read this if you haven't already!

I am now wondering who started this - it takes forever! But it was worth it - suitably sated with pleasing images now! I hope you are too!

2,000 words hurrah!

I have done it. The story is halved. Phew! Never thought I'd get there.

Now hoping I haven't totally buggered it up!

Met with the others at the writing chat room thing this morning, which was lovely, and inspired me enough to work on the story - so thank you for that, Lane, Captain, Annieye, and Caroj!

Argh - just had story read and there's a word missing - an 'a' - which means it's now 2001 words. Yeegads will this thing ever be done?!!!

Right. Off to pack me hospital bag for tomorrow;

ginger biccies
ginger beer
cous cous with almonds and sultanas
pasta with sun-dried tomatoes
low-fat chicken salad
1 pad for writing on
pencil case
chapter am working on from novel
slippers
pjs
clean knickers
toothbrush and toothpaste
hairbrush
painkillers and heat-packs
phone (to call home and send mms pics of me if they drug me again)
file with all the hospital stuff in
Your Horse magazine (saving it especially)
Mslexia magazine

Good job I'm only in overnight, eh.









Free Range Sweetcorn - makes up for the standard bred cooked chicken from yesterday!

30 lengths, 2,855 words, 10 stone, and Sharia Law?!

I swam 30 lengths yesterday (it's a 25 m pool). I did them very slowly and with every stroke I repeated my little mantra of, "hour by hour and day by day, my cancer is shrinking and shrinking away." Then I did the hardest of bit of all - my 25 minutes in the Jacuzzi (I'm in training you see). Anyway - feeling as though I'm doing something to make up for next week's post-chemo inactivity.

And how am I 10 stone again? It simply isn't fair.

Went shopping with the youngest today. I fear I have trained her too well, because when I tried to buy a cooked chicken, she wanted to know if it was free-range. And when the bemused woman in Tesco (other stores are available) said,"No," little one said I couldn't buy it. But I don't want to cook an entire meal from scratch tonight because my arm is hurting. (Poor little me, boo hoo - you buying this yet?) I had to sneak back for the chicken. Oh the guilt. The shame. But well done little one. I'll have to fib and say they had free-range ones in when I went back. I promise I won't do it again. She also made me put the Lilies back because I also bought a Peace Lily in a pot, and was "spending too much money." I said, "It's my money," and she said, "No, mum, it's the family's money." Consider myself told. She definitely takes after her father.

My short story now stands at 2,855. It's supposed to be 2,000, so rather than trying to increase my word count, I am trying to decrease it. Decreasing a word count is much harder I've decided, and I look forward to tomorrow when I can crack on with the novel again.

What else? Oh yes -someone (Chilli) invited me to play Scrabulous on Facebook, and that was a very naughty thing to do. I ignored her request, but then she sent me another one. And then Jenny from work joined in the asking. Am now in the middle of two games, losing very badly, and wasting lots of valuable writing and editing time trying to think words up for scrabble. Shame on you both. When I fail to produce my novel at the end of this year, it isn't the cancer I shall blame, but you two.

Just had to say something about the Sharia Law thing... (can't stop myself I'm afraid)

I was wondering if my hearing was playing up the other day when I heard on the news that Sharia Law might be a good thing in the UK, for Muslims. What on earth is going on? I wonder if we could have UK Law for those Brits living in the Middle East then? No? Thought not.

It really winds me up, this business about religious laws. If people want to live under religious law then they should bloomin' well bugger off and live in a country that already runs under religious ruling. What happened to, "When in Rome?" (Although to be fair Rome did kind of spread, and dictate so perhaps a poor example, but you get my drift, I'm sure.) Bloody nuisance if you ask me, all this religious law stuff and nonsense. We have a law, a perfectly adequate secular law, and as a woman, I for one, am absolutely horrified at the thought of the UK adopting Sharia Law. And never mind if it only applies to Muslim women. What about their right to live under the law (and protection) of the UK?

Right - just climbing down off soap box.

Have just bought some software called New Novelist, so will let you know if it's any good. Apparently it has a 'resource centre' - and besides, it was buy one get one free with GCSE Spanish (for teenager).

Oh oh... I knew there was something else...

Firefox is so wonderful. Ever since IE started telling me I have blocked cookies (when I have not) and haven't allowed Java (I bloody well have), and not letting me log into Blogger, I've been getting a tad stressed out. Posting an entry that should take a few minutes was taking hours of faffing around with settings/privacy/security and goodness knows what else. So Firefox has fixed it all - plus it has this pic viewer add-on that I am in love with, AND it has like, really cool colourful skins and stuff! Oh I am soooo excited. Should have done it years ago.

thank you for the flowers - they are gorgeous

Thank you for the flowers everyone (in the English and History Dept at Edge Hill). They just arrived and really brightened up my day! It's a shame that the photo doesn't do them justice but they look wonderful on top of the piano in the dining room.

*Wipes tear from eye*

Thank you! XXX

Co-drydamol, codeine, diclofenac, and Winifred.

I took this - first picture I've taken from the back of a horse!

The pain in the shoulder is back with a vengeance. Did I tell you that already?! Just checked and I did. Never mind. I've been awake since 3 am again, and poor hubby can't get any sleep either, what with me moaning and tossing and turning (he's being a star about it though and hasn't complained at all - not sure I'd have been so forgiving!). This morning I ended up phoning the pharmacist and listing the contents of my medicine cabinet (getting quite impressive these days, I can tell you!), and saying, "Please tell me what I can take with what, and the maximum doses!" So we tried the diclofenac with the co-drydamol and I got the first bit of relief from it since Tuesday. Hurrah for pharmacists! He also said to see my GP if it didn't get rid of it altogether - she's given me codeine separate to the paracetamol so I can have more of it - and that is at last kicking it down to a manageable level. Phew!

Still - all is not lost. Today I went on hack and thanks to new drugs regime, it was relatively pain free. I rode Winnie, who is usually quite sedate on hacks, but today she strode purposefully towards the beach. I think they must be putting something in the water!

Sand Dunes

In fact she strode so purposefully, it was a challenge to get her to stand still long enough for my poor instructor to get a shot of us. You can see Winnie looking beach-ward and saying, "Can we go now?!"

On the way over the dunes we spotted a young man with a power-kite. "Hmm," I said. "What's Winnie like with kites?" My intructor said we'd soon find out!

The drill on the beach is to walk up the beach to a certain point, and then to turn them in a nice wide arc before galloping back down along the sands. Usually they're very good at waiting, but today both horses kept trying to look behind them, as though to say,"Right, that's enough of this direction - it's gallop time now!" My instructor just managed to take this picture of us as both our horses tried to break into a canter.

Winnie is unable to contain herself in all the excitement!

We went further than we normally do, and eventually Winnie just decided she was going. She turned on a sixpence (but I was ready for her - ha ha) and launched herself along the sands at full speed. I just love it. Colin had already gone and was just ahead of us. It was great to blow the cobwebs off and the beach was deserted - apart from Kite Man - so we just kept going and going...

... until she saw the kite, and then she screeched to a halt, leapt side-ways and backwards all at the same time, and very nearly lost her rider! I almost ended up around her neck, but you know, I must be improving because my instructor yelled, "Well sat!", and I didn't lose my seat, or even a stirrup! We cantered back through the woods, ducking under low branches and whooping with sheer pleasure. Oh I am such a sad horsie addict!!!

As if that wasn't enough, I've also very nearly finished my edit. I know, you're probably thinking, How long can it take to halve one story?! but it's a delicate business trying to keep the flavour, the pace, the atmosphere. I've ended up having to do a total rewrite, and that inbetween sorting out pain-killers, jaccuzzi's, and beach rides! (See how easy I'm being on myself lately! Try it. It's lovely not to be all shouty at yourself!)

Tomorrow I hope to post that the story is done and that the novel word count has started its slow climb to its summit once again.

A touch of Paranoia!

I logged into Yahoo this morning, to check my mail - as you do - and was horrified to see my avatar thingy had gone bald! Totally pink skulled bald - a chemotar!

I thought now who would do such a thing?! Remove all the hair from a cancer patient's avatar. I have a sense of humour, but admit that challenged it. I rang hubby. Did you do it? I asked. He couldn't stop laughing - obviously his sense of humour is still as warped as ever - but it wasn't him. I changed my password immediately.

And then I saw that my avatar was normal again. WTF??? thought I. I logged into the avatar-maker-thingy (technical term there), and could I find a bald avatar?! There just isn't one - at least not for the women (didn't look at the men's). Then, on Yahoo questions I discovered lots of people asking if it was usual for avatars to appear bald for a few seconds I had one of those, 'DOH! Dontcha feel a tit!' moments. Oh well. Balance has been restored (or hair at least) and all is well. Except I then wasted another half an hour of valuable editing time re-vamping my avatar! (see above).

After getting over the shock embarassment excitement of the avatar business, I went to the gym. YES! The gym! Having been up since 3 am in excrutiating pain (afraid to say the old pancoast pain is back these last two days with a vengeance - think the chemo has pissed it off a bit) I did wonder if the gym was that good an idea. But the pain seems to subside if I keep moving, so I went anyway, with the plan being to do as much as I could to get some natural endorphins flowing. (This because Ibuprofen and Co-Drydomol together didn't even make a dent in the pain so far).

Anyway, I did:

10 minutes on the cross-trainer
5 minutes on the bike
1000 metres on the rowing machine
some stretching on the floor
4 lengths of the pool
25 minutes in the Jacuzzi
5 minutes in the steam room

And it was good, and the pain did subside - a little. Then I went home and took more Diclofenic, and it was even better! Apologies were made to the couple from St Helens in the pool who were visiting for the day and had the misfortune to meet me and my cancer! I felt like the nutter on the bus (only I was in a swimsuit in lots of bubbly hot water)... Imagine old lady voice saying, "Hello, I've got cancer you know... I'm not really a heroin addict even though me arms look like it!" They were very sweet though, and resisted the urge to flee!

As if all that wasn't excitement enough, I got home to a Blue Badge! I felt like a bit of a fraud really, thinking, "there's nothing wrong with me, what do I want with a disabled badge," and then I remembered. Oh well. I will resist (I hope) the temptation to explain to people as I park for free that I have lung cancer, and can't walk very far on chemo-induced bad days.


We also went to the dentist and I had a small filling with no anaesthetic (cos of the chemo). Luckily it's only for a little chip on the lingual buckle (sounds good that dunnit - God I love words!), so not being a hero (or heroine), it just didn't need a needle. Had it hurt even the tiniest bit I would have cried like a baby infront of both my children. Our dentist is new. I am terrified of dentists so was very very frightened - but she turned out to be fab. And Lithuanian. And 'thank you' in Lithuanian is Achou. I have no idea how that is spelt, but it sounds like a sneeze. I was very pleased to have another 'thank you' to add to my collection!

Tomorrow I have booked a hack so hoping I can
A) get the pain-killers to work enough to
B) get some sleep, and
C) manage to ride an hour without throwing up afterwards.

Onwards and upwards, eh!

P.S. Is it just me, or is spell-checker out of action on blogger?

Acupuncture and Oncological Care - Or how to look like pinhead

Today I went to see the Acupuncturist for the first time. From the minute I spoke to her on the phone last week I had a good feeling about her, and it was just the same when I met her today. What a lovely lady!

First she took a full medical history, and then she looked at my tongue, and took my pulse. She said I have a strong, steady pulse, and this shows her I am a very strong person. She said that many people get told they have cancer and the fear of their diagnosis is what kills them, so it's important to stay positive in your mind. She also explained how acupuncture can help me. My body is like a country at war against terrorists, but my own army is unable to defeat them. So we've had to call in the Allies (chemotherapy) to help fight the rogue cells. Acupuncture is going to help my own army, or immune system, to fight the rogue the cells until they can do the job on their own, and keep my body in a balanced state. Cancerous cells spring up in our body all the time, but usually the immune system catches them immediately and disposes of them before they do any damage.

I was just pleased to be able to say that I felt my Chi (Qi) needed some re-aligning, without getting looked at as though I am a crazy person!

After our 40 mins or so chat, I had to lay on a table (one of those massage ones with a hole in it for your face) while she put some pins in me. I felt them going into my head, nape of neck, and various other places (on my back where the tumour is), but it wasn't painful. The one in my skull hurt a little but it only lasted a few seconds. And then I was left to 'relax' for half an hour with all these pins in me. I tried meditating and thinking 'peaceful' thoughts, and was surprised at how quickly the 30 minutes passed. The she removed the needles and gave me a massage with some lovely smelling stuff.

After the treatment she gave me some herbal medicine with a long set of instructions. It's a mushroom called Ling Zhi and it is going to help my little army (immune system) stay strong through chemotherapy.


She also said it tastes disgusting so to add honey to the infusion I make! Old Chinese Saying - The more bitter the medicine the better.

I have to go twice a week to sort out the pain, and then less, so will let you know what happens!

You can read some interesting articles about acupuncture here. I watched my father go from being crippled with two slipped discs in his back, to walking as normal after three treatments with acupuncture, so I'm already biased. I also, just in case you were wondering, have full permission/blessing/whatever you call it, from my cancer team.

I'm looking forward to making a brew with my mushroom, but not looking as forward to drinking it. It has the consistency of styrofoam. I do hope it isn't styrofoam!

After the medicine is made, I am to cook up the bits in a stir-fry, but no one else is allowed to eat it. As you can imagine, hubby and kids are devastated at this news.

I do hope the pain relieving aspect of it works, as the shoulder blade ache has returned, and my left arm is still disconcertingly numb while feeling as though it's been cheese grated at the same time - go figure. I would just like to sleep past 3.30 am for once - do you think they have a mushroom for that too?!!

Just as I was signing off from this blogpost, the extra wii-mote came for children (mail order of course) and now there is much whooping and screeching of delight going on in the Ratcliffe house-hold. I do love being alive!

An Award - Oh My!!!! And Lunch! And presents! What a fab day! And a bit on meditation too.

I have had such a lovely day!

First of all, I drove up to Uni and collected my friend (fellow Creative Writing Lecturer) and we went for lunch. We sat by a real log fire, and I even managed to get a coffee down me, and enjoy it (chemo does funny things to your taste buds!).

And look at what she bought for me - as well as lunch! Thank you! I love them!

What shall I name them?!

We talked about writing for ages - it was sooo nice to do that! And I felt all inspired, and came home and did some actual real proper work! *big grins but won't be smug till it is finished* Rather worryingly, I saw one of my teaching students from Children's Lit, and she had this look on her face, the kind of look people reserve for the terminally ill. I said, "I'm not dying!" and she said, "Aren't you?! Oh thank God!" So I've no idea how she got that idea. It's the word cancer I suppose. Scares the bejesus out of us all! I've decided I am definitely NOT going to let this get me, and refuse to listen to anything to the contrary!

As well as writing, I've been archiving my blog (paranoid incase it should disappear into the ether one day). The experiment has certainly worked, and I have written a lot more than I realised, but on the other hand, I don't half talk some rubbish, eh! Most red-faced making of all, is the realisation that the novel is still only half done, and most poignant of all are the early July posts about having chest pains. Oh dear.

But it isn't all bad, and now I'm off sick and have an idea of how the chemo is going to affect me, I can plan writing around it, and at last get my novel written. Then I can hassle you all to read it - ha ha ha!
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Along with the Spinach and the Broccoli, I've also been doing some meditation, and this is what has helped me to gain a calm (er) state of mind over my health. No idea if I'm doing it 'properly' or not, but I've made a little quiet place to sit. I think it's a really useful thing to do if you're feeling stressed over anything at all, as it gives your mind a little break from all its usual faffing about like a headless chicken. As long as you don't get stressed about the actual 'doing it' bit - because then you end up more stressed!

If you want a go, just try sitting down and counting your breaths. In and out. And when you get a thought (which you will if you are still breathing!) just try to ignore it and count your breaths again. I've been chanting in my head, "hour by hour, day by day, I'm healthier and stronger in every way" but that's because I'm a tad poorly, and one of my healing books says to do that. You can say whatever you like, if it helps! Or just breathe.

Buddha and Friends - a reminder of the strength of our minds

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And my award - from JJ. Thank you! Am all chuffed to bits now!

Hedgehog rescue facility and Ana has teeth!

Hedgehog Rescue Facility

On Saturday I went to see our friends - the ones with the baby horsie - again (they'll be sick of the sight of me, oh dear!). Anyway, they were out digging the ditches clear to avoid another flooding episode should the rain come down again like it did a few weeks ago, and we found a drowned hedgehog. Awful. D was horrified and J made a beautiful ladder for any future unfortunate to climb up (pictured above). I thought it was a work of art.

I wasn't much help on the yard, but did change some rugs over, bring in a pony from the field, and coo over baby lots and lots. She's got teeth now, and is growing rapidly.

Ana has teeth!

It does me good to visit the yard. I get to see just what hard work it is to have horses. There's turning them out, feeds to make up, haynets to fill, tack to clean, rugs to maintain, beds to be mucked out and made, water buckets to be cleaned and filled... the list is endless and all involves plenty of elbow grease. And that's before you even think of doing any riding.

But guess what? I don't care! Still want one!

This morning I met up with some fellow writers on-line. My eldest came in and stared at the computer. (Lane - I think you'll identify with this!) "What are you doing?! Is that a chat room?!" She then rattled off all the things I've ever said to her about chat rooms, before taking her hands off her hips and sheepishly asking me for a lift to her boyfriend's house. Was that her way of rescuing me, I wonder? Whatever it was, I had been quite enjoying myself until then!

Chemo update: Feeling fine now. The pain from the cannular (Wed/gallstones) is still horrid, and nerve pain in left arm is getting on my nerves jejeje, but nausea is much much less. Funny really. I am looking forward to, and dreading the next lot of chemo in equal measure - but for now I have a week off and intend to do lots of interesting things before 11th.

Editing: I am at last working on the short story, to make it even shorter. Hurrah! It will be done by tomorrow. It will. But not if I keep blogging!

*Hubby just came in and said, rather astutely I thought, "Doesn't look like that story's been edited much to me!"

Ooops! *Sheepishly looking around room, and then at feet*

Postscript: And then I went and did the library thing, and added a widget, and then spent an age adding only 35 books - the closest to hand - and it'll take me years to add all of them!!!

As usual, lots of disjointed and disorderly news so will use headings to try to steer you through the nonsense that is my life;

Acupuncture

On Wednesday I went to the hospital for my appointment, but was disappointed to discover it was just an 'assessment'. Basically a student physio (bless him) asked me lots of questions about movement. I had to stand up, sit down, wave arms around. He looked perplexed. "You have no problems with movement," he said.
"I know," said I.
"So why do you want acupuncture?" he asked, after I'd explained that the pain in my shoulder was greatly reduced since beginning chemo/visualisation (either or seem to be working).
"I want to re-align my chi, sort out my meridians, and all that," I said. And when he looked at me as though I were completely mad, I tried, "I thought it might help with the chemo-induced nausea?"
He said he'd have to speak to his superiors, but let it slip he was starting his masters, so at least I was able to provide some useful advice in my capacity as a lecturer and PhD student! (He said the reading list was 20 pages long, so after berrating him with a 'so it should be for a masters' told him to aim to get through 75% of it, and to be 'discerning' in his reading. I don't know if it helped but the word count for my PhD seemed to give him a sense of perspective back!)

Basically the hospital physios to 'some courses' in acupuncture for pain relief, so I used the link from Zinnia and now have an appointment with a local TCM (traditional Chinese medicine) practitioner who does acupuncture and herbal medicine, and is used to the terms oncology, chi, and pancoast tumour. Can't wait. Going on Tuesday!

Gallstones - losing my sense of humour/the joys of morphine

I ate a whole packet of Kettle Chips on Wednesday. I was chatting away to Julie when I suddenly came over all 'funny'. Hmm, thought I. Need a lie down.

And then it started again. Bloody bloody bloody. Why I thought handcooked would mean okay with gallbladder I have no idea, but hubby just took one look at me and dialled 999.

Normally I'm crying, "Please, no ambulance, no hospital," but this time I was at the door screaming, "Where are they?! Boo hoo hoo!" And inbetween, "No, no, no, not again!"

So they carted me away, which is really I suppose, all I deserved. I got a lovely junior doctor who seemed to fascinated by the whole story. I love telling stories but kept thinking, "Not now - just gimmee the morphine NOW!"

She came in. "What seems to be the problem?" (I'm writhing around on the bed in tears, clutching a hot wheat-pack to my abdomen.)

I gasped, "Gallstones - ate crisps - bad pain - need something - took 1 diclofenic 50 somethings before ambulance came - argh argh argh."

She said, "Gallstones? How do you know this?"

I said, "Scan - here - October - 7 - big - ones - last attack 2 weeks - argh - ago."

She said, "Hmm. We need a line in," and called a nurse over who put a line in not so well, bled me, took bloods and removed line. The doc came back.

"Why did you take the line out?"

"I didn't!"

"Tell me more about your gallstones," she said, "I am very interested."

At this point the pain subsided as the Diclofenic I took at home started to kick in. I could breathe again normally so I told her I was on chemo, named the drugs, the pancoast tumour etc., and she just kept saying, "this is amazing... tell me what happened before that..." and I patiently went through it all. I wanted to say why don't you just read my effing blog because the next wave hit me and I was reduced to an arghing mess again.

Why oh why can I not just have the bloody morphine, thought I.

Eventually the nurse came back and fitted another line in the other arm (even worse - this one would leave a blackberry coloured bruise and still stings even now) and then gave me 5 somethings of morphine. Within seconds the pain had gone and a wave f nausea flushed over me. I wanted to go home but junior doc had gone and got a surgeon and now I was being asked to sign a consent form for surgery!!!!

I said, "I have a surgeon and he won't take 'em out until my cancer has been dealt with, and as long as I stay on a low-fat diet I'll be fine." When the surgeon came to see me he was a darling. He went through my bloods with me (all totally normally despite being in the 'crash period' of my chemo cycle) and wished me well before getting the line removed and sending me home.

Phew. I will never eat: Cauliflower Cheese, Chocolate Cake, or Kettle Chips ever again. Damn.

Writing:

Working on the story. I was supposed to do it yesterday (self imposed deadline) but er... of course I didn't, and today the nausea is at interesting levels. So - more ginger required, a lay down infront of the fire while I listen to the gale force winds outside, and hopefully tomorrow's post will say - I finished it - hurrah!!!

But er... don't hold your breath!

Update in the evening...

Have been thinking about the writing seriously today, and posted my 'writing to date CV' on Hesitant Scribblings - check it out if you like :)