The F-Word

Got sent this today and it made me smile!

5 Cases When It's Okay to Use the F-Word:
















Not that I ever needed much of an excuse ;-)

A new leaf

I don't know what happened to my thinking over the last few months - since radiotherapy and all the trauma that it resulted in - but I lost my positive outlook somewhere along the line, and I need to get that back.

Of course I do realise that when a person is so ill that they can't get off the sofa all day, is unable to get out of the house more than once or twice a week, and hardly sees another living being, they're bound to sink into a bit of a depression! Add to that the diagnosis of such a life threatening disease, and the pain that grips my heart whenever my naughty mind suggests I might not make it to see my kids grow up, and you have a recipe for disaster.

So I've decided I need to make some changes. Rapidly. (Actually it's more down to a very long talk (in between the sobs and tears) with Nee, and this morning with my father.) But the talking is done now, and I need to take action. So I have a plan.

1. Restore my faith in my body and mind.
I have an appointment today to have Bowen Therapy, and while I don't know much about it, it takes a holistic approach, and works on the principle that the body can heal itself. This is important because I do believe that 99% of fighting this disease is in the mind. I kind of lost sight of all this somewhere between the vomiting and 14 hour stretches of severe stomach cramping!

2. Get out of the house more.
I've been stuck on the sofa and/or otherwise incapacitated for too long now - since RT started at the end of April to be exact. It's a long day when you are in the house alone. I need to push myself more and start swimming again. I am hoping to get my fitness up enough to be able to hang around the riding school and help out with the horses a bit.

3. Write.
I haven't written a thing. I keep getting phone calls from well wishing folk, asking me if I've written anything for my novel. I've thought, "Are you taking the piss?! When, exactly, do you think I've been up to writing?" But I do want to write. The thing is I've been becoming more and more paralysed by the fear of the disease and the unknowns of the future etc., so I need to work on no's 1 and 2, and hopefully the writing will come. Then I can stop the cycle of guilt that I haven't written, which makes me more depressed, which means I don't write for even longer...

4. Get a new Life.
Okay, so I lost my life. Big Deal. I need to get over it. So what if I can't teach any more. Okay, so I'm heartbroken over it. I miss the classroom, the students, and I admit it, the kudos of being a university lecturer. It was part of my identity, and it's been taken away. I feel robbed. But I'm just gonna have to get over it, and get a new life. I've had a letter about fees for my PhD, so there's another thing that may come to an end. Fees were waived in the past because of the hours I taught, so it looks as though the uni will want me to pay fees now that I'm not working. But of course, not working means I can't afford to pay them anymore. I have very limited resources now, and if it's a choice between riding lessons and a PhD, there's no question as to which choice is the more beneficial! As my exceedingly astute 15 year old daughter said last night, I know I am capable so I can stop trying to prove something all the time, and I don't need a PhD to write a novel, do I? If anything, it may be easier to get on with the writing if I don't have all the theoretical/academic stuff to worry about!

So a new life with horses perhaps. A new life where I write full time, get out more, be more positive. I need to learn to say to friends and family that I can't handle talking about anything to do with this illness, or anything negative right now. It's back to the old, 'How are you?' question again. I need to be able to say, "fine" and leave it at that, because otherwise I end up talking about all the stuff that's going wrong with my body, and focusing on the illness, when what I need to focus on is that fact that I am still here. I am still alive after 12 months. I need to focus on the positive because if I don't, I've a strong (and terrifying) feeling that I won't make it, that I'll succumb and lose all my fight... which brings me to...

5. Keep fighting (and believing).
I should say 'start fighting again' really, as I haven't had much fight lately. So I need to fight fight fight all the way. I don't need 'realism' and I need belief in miracles. I don't need to hear the medics and nurses telling me that there are no guarantees - I know that, and it doesn't help hearing it all the bloody time.

Righto. I expect everyone to give me firm kick up the backside whenever I get negative. I want to focus on the positive, believe, and fight. I refuse to roll over and let this thing get my mind or my body.

So there!

Fall, not falling off, and the end of BB9

Autumn is here.  The scent of it hangs in the air, deliciously crisp and fresh.  When I was a child growing up in Canada, it was called Fall, presumably because the leaves fall off the trees.  But it is also the fall of summer, the end of a year long cycle of birth through to death.  So whilst I love the summer, the spring, and even winter, I think the Fall is my favourite.

Autumn is also the time I love to write the most.  The weather is still gentle, the rains wash away the stifling heat (usually!) of the summer, and it's good to be all cosied up in the house, in front of the patio doors, looking out into a garden alive with intense colour.  I become melancholy but in a good way - a time to reminisce and to write about it.  This year is particularly strange and melancholy because I'm not going back to work, the scan is on the 16th to see if the RT worked/didn't work/how much it worked, and I see the oncologist on Oct 1st.  A scary time.  And the children have returned to school, the day has a pattern again, a natural rhythm that I can fall into.  I'm hoping it will be a good time to crack on with my work, and to finish my novel.

And of course Big Brother finishes tonight, so will have to find something else to occupy my days, especially now (fingers crossed) when my stomach seems to be sorting itself out.

Riding

I had a fantastic lesson yesterday, despite torrential rain and the horse refusing to walk across a flooded yard to the indoor school!  Siobhan had her ears pinned back but eventually settled down.

I've been reading a lot lately about jumping techniques and cross country, and realised that I didn't have an independent seat at all when it came to jumping positions.  So I asked my teacher if we could work on that in order to get my confidence back.  I spent 45 minutes learning how to balance in a cross country seat, and it all started to fall into place.  Fab.  The best bit was when I was asked to get Siobhan to jump over the pole on the ground, and to tell her when to take off.  I thought, how the hell do you do that?  But S is such a good teacher that I managed to get it second time around.  Funny - there seems to be no relationship whatever between what we learn in the early stages of riding, to what we learn further down the line, but I love that it's so technical, so physically challenging, and so enjoyable.  Oh dear, I am truly a horse freak now!

Big Brother 9 Final

It's Friday and the last day of BB9.  Who wins?  You decide (because I'm too tight to pay the costs of a vote!). 

This year's series has been more inspirational than previous years.  They seem to have gotten rid of the idiots early on - the violent ones, the fame seekers, the shallow and the depraved.  The tasks have been interesting, and Big Bro has been quicker off the mark to stamp out unacceptable behaviour (probably since all the furore over Jade and Shilpa Shetty in Celeb Big Bro).  The range of people has been far wider this year, in terms of age, place of origin, and character, and that's made all the difference for me, because of course I only watch it to study the interaction/psychological side of people for my writing (and if you believe that you'll believe anything lol).

I think we've been left with a lovely bunch of people this year; Darnell with his 'potty mouth', and issues of not fitting in (reminds me of myself when I was younger except I was more sad than angry), Rachel with her 'Disneyesque' character (so what if she is simply a nice person?!), Rex, whose arrogance and plain speaking is actually quite endearing now (although what was going on with him and Nicole - a co-dependent relationship if I ever I saw one), Mikey who is extremely funny and has a wicked sense of humour (although I'd probably kill him if I had to live with him), and last but not least, Sarah the Aussie who genuinely doesn't  seem to realise that she's really leading poor Darnell on all the time with her flirting (and who has already won £25 grand).  I'm struggling to pick a winner, feeling they all deserve it pretty much, but Rex says he'd give the money to charity (so not him - I want it to make a real difference for whoever wins it), and Sarah has cash now... I think... er... mmm... okay - Darnell.  I'll go with Darnell to win!

Autumn's Coming but Life is Great

After more days of hideous stomach pains, today I woke up pain free. I can't tell you what a joy that is, to wake up and not be in pain... something I never even considered before!


Pain pain pain
I saw the surgeon who first found the tumour (he was going to do my gallstone op that was then cancelled due to the tumour). He checked me over and doesn't seem to think it's anything serious - just a combination of drugs causing constipation. So have to take Movicol everyday now, and experiment with the dose till I get it right. I dunno what's going on. Thursday I was in too much pain to ride, and Friday/Saturday I had no pain at all. Sunday it started at 7.30 am and lasted till 11pm. I can't find a pattern to it, or identify a source/reason. Today I've been fine again all day, despite not being able to go to the loo 'properly'.


Back on ma horsey!
Anyway, today was superb - I had another joint lesson with the Little One. K got to have her first canter (with the teacher leading her pony), and I rode Henry. Great lesson for us both. K is starting to get a feel for rising trot now, and isn't holding the saddle any more. I've been working on my transitions, and controlling Henry's speed (learning how to prevent him grabbing hold of the bit and careering off with me. I'm finally starting to develop 'feel', to know what the horse is doing underneath me - where the feet are, straightness, bend and all that. It's getting soooo technical, and I love it. Not only that, but it gives me a boost physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Listed 17th in Blog list
I got an email a while back, but been so ill I never got around to mentioning it - apparently my little blog is listed as being 17th in the Lexiophiles top 100 Language Blogs. Quite cool, eh, (I think?). Also got an award from one of you lovely people, but again, been so out the game I still haven't got around to having a look. If it was from you, and you're not utterly offended that I've forgotten/haven't looked yet, and you don't mind, could you leave a comment and tell me where to look again?! Thank you!

Back to School (and picking up the pieces of my academic life.)
It's all back to normal tomorrow as kids return to school. I'm almost looking forward to autumn (summer's been a tad non-existent in terms of seasonal weather). I can smell the damp nip in the air in the garden, early morning. There's a melancholy about autumn I love too, and I'm looking forward to some nice hacks, and the structured day that comes of having two kids in school - up in the mornings, uniforms, house nice and quiet till 3pm everyday, and no guilt at not taking them anywhere/doing anything with them 'cos still too bloody ill! I envision sitting down and getting some serious writing done - my supervisor (PhD) rang me today and that was superb - I'm still being invited to the monthly postgrad writer's group (NRG) despite the fact that I've been... well you know!... haven't been since last year! One of my short term mini-goals to get well enough to be able to go out in the evening and attend a meeting!

All good then really. Hanging on in there. Appreciating every minute I am not in pain, and revelling in doing things with the girls, however small or periodic. Being more positive again, and hoping Darcy is right *winks to Marion*.

Tell me It's Not True

 

There's a song in the musical Blood Brothers, called 'Tell Me It's Not True'.  In case you haven't seen it, I won't spoil the plot for you - suffice to say, this song comes from near the end of the play.  For some reason, it's been popping into my head a lot in the last week or so. 

Tell me it's not true,
Say I only dreamed it,
And morning will come soon.
Say you didn't mean it,
Tell me it's not true,
Say it's just pretend,
Say it's just the end,
Of an old movie from years ago,
From an old movie of Marilyn Monroe.

You know, I thought it would get easier.  (Or did I?  Was I really that naive?)  I mean, initially, when I was first diagnosed back in Nov/Dec last year, I drove home in shock.  For a brief, fleeting moment I imagined ploughing into a lamp post.  I thought I'd never be able to stop crying.  I thought the panic, and the sheer terror of it all would kill me before the tumour did, but it passed.  I started treatment and still cried, only now it was because of the clear toxic fluid being piped into my veins. 

I was positive and hopeful throughout chemo hell, looked forward to the days when I could ride, and revelled in those rare moments of bodily comfort - like the 'old days' when I only experienced pain and nausea on the odd occasions.  I cried less, and genuinely felt everything just might be okay.  But then came the news that there'd been no change - the chemo had perhaps kept it stable, but now we'd move on to radio-therapy. 

Anyway, to cut a long story short, it's been a really tough time.  The travelling and sickness, the burns both inside and outside, the time stolen by 'recuperation'.  It affected me severely.  I finished treatment the first week of June and it's not the end of August!  I only stopped taking anti-nausea tabs last week, and I'm now being referred to a stomach specialist to find out why I've got abdominal pain and cramping every evening, and increasingly, in the day time too.  It's frightening me.  The very thought of more tests.  I've got a scan booked for Sept 16th, and get the results Oct 1st.  I don't mind telling you that I'm absolutely crapping myself and almost don't want to hear the results.

So I need to stop crying, and re-balance.  My eldest said I'd lost my positive spirit 'a bit' in the last month or so, and I owe it to them, and to myself, to find it again.  Miracles do happen.  So what if the tumour is inoperable, pressing against/interfering with/attached to/without a clear line between it and the chest wall, and brachial plexus.  So what if  'cyberknife' treatment is unsuitable for my case.  It was 3cm.  It was small-cell, slow growing (just noticed my subconscious use of the past tense there).  I just need to keep going until they do develop something that will keep me alive.  And I really do want to write my novel, and finish my PhD.  And own a horse one day... This situation is like a bereavement in many ways, as I feel the physical heart-wrenching pain of loss, and the possible loss of my own life.  I look at the kids sometimes and cry for their loss, and my poor husband, parents... it affects so many people, and I never realised how important I was to them.  It is also frightening, not knowing what the future holds, and realism is probably not the best way forward here.

What I need is an unabashed, forthright belief that everything is going to be just fine, and in 5 years time, as I sit with my little novel all published and sitting in it's jacket on my shelf, we'll all laugh about that dreadful couple of years when we all went through hell, but learned to support each other, and found our strengths.  So if you know where I can get such a belief, please let me know!

On A Lighter Note!

I couldn't ride yesterday (tummy ache yet again), but forced myself to take K for her part of the lesson.  She wore her jodhpurs (from S) proudly, and had a great lesson.  She's almost sussed out rising trot, and did her first trot without holding on to the saddle! She's going  to have  one more, with me, before school starts again.

I did do a bit with the horses though.  Henry was all tacked up and waiting for me, so I took it all off  and put it away, noting how light a saddle is before a 45 min riding lesson.  K got to meet Ivor too, and being so friendly she was able to stroke his nose and scratch his chin.  Aha!  My plan is working!  At least one of them will fall in love with horses, and then 50% of the family will want one, and we'll be able to go for hacks on the beach together!  Ha ha ha ha ha (evil laugh)!!! 

Better start doing the lottery or something, then eh?!

Another Week already? Really?! Can't be!

The Olympics is Over

... and didn't we do well?!  Bloody nora - who'd have thought it - 4th place with a fabulous 19 Gold medals, and 47 in total.  The official medal table shows that my beloved Canada only got 3 Golds and a total of 18, while dearest Spain managed 5 Gold and a total of 18 also.  Oh well.  Canada usually fares better in the Winter Olympics.  I keep hoping I'll be around still - it's only 2 years away, and it's in Vancouver, BC, my birthplace.  Cool.

Questions:  How on earth will London compete with those opening and closing ceremonies?!  What was the matter with Boris Johnson's suit?  Did anyone see the Modern Pentathlon?  Now there's a sport and a half!!!

A Good Teacher Can Make All The Difference

I had my usual riding instructor on Thursday, and to my horror, my stomach lurched when I saw she had Ivor all tacked up and waiting for me.  It seems the previous lesson had a profound effect on me, and for the first 5 minutes or so, I felt as though I was learning to ride all over again.  It didn't help much that he kept on tripping over his own feet, and it wasn't long before I was as stiff as a plank (not to mention riding like one!) with gritted teeth and a vaguely foetal position.

"He isn't going to fall over," said my instructor after watching us for a few minutes.  "Relax your wrists and your shoulders more," she went on, "He's tripping up because he's unbalanced, so you have to help him."  Eventually I relaxed and rode much better.  Ivor promptly found his feet and the rest of the lesson was great, until that is, my instructor suggested I 'pop him over' a little jump.  My stomach turned somersault at the sight of the small 2 foot uprights I'd been trotting past all lesson.  It surprised me, because it's the first time I've ever felt real fear on a horse.

My instructor was quick to identify the problem - that I'd been over-faced the previous week by starting on uprights.  "Nonsense!" she said, when I said he wouldn't jump cross poles.  "He has to learn."  Even so, I still didn't feel happy about jumping anything full stop, and what a shame because I love jumping usually.  Luckily, a good teacher can make all the difference.  She suggested we just go over some trotting poles (I.e. a pole laid flat on the ground), and see how that felt.  By the end of the lesson I was back up jumping cross poles and felt so relieved.  With a delicate mix of encouragement, understanding and empathy, my teacher managed to push me firmly but gently forward, and helped me regain confidence in my riding and Ivor.  She deserves a medal does that woman, putting up with me!

How to waste a Week

1. Send husband off to the lakes for a 5 day hike/climb with his mates. 

Day 1: Get teenager to help tidy house from top to bottom, and little one to do own bedroom.  Relax and drink tea all day.

Day 2: Have lots of intentions, I.e. the intention to read through chapter of novel, with the intention of then adding to said draft, and finishing it/to blog about feeling so low re: health/to weed the poor garden.

Day 3: Intend to list some more stuff on Ebay in order to gather funds for riding lessons. 

Day 4: Intend to visit friends (but can't due to tummy ache), and intend to catch up with phone calls.

Day 5: Have riding lesson.  Welcome husband home and tell him all about the things you meant to do, but didn't actually get around to doing!

Throughout entire week, try not to cry or be miserable, especially not at the end of riding lessons/at checkout in Tesco/while watching children play on trampoline in garden.  Spend all other spare moments engaged in most important activity of 2008 - watching the Olympics till 3 am every morning!!!

Bramble discovers the Outside...

Bramble says that Outside is very interesting. He says he likes the green carpety-stuff, and no that he's not so frightened of the strange noises and smells, he enjoys catching flies and eating them (even though it makes his poo funny). His favourite things are the furry creatures who are in a cage of some sort, (although he's quite frustrated because the humans have blocked up the hole and he can't get in anymore). The big furry thing looks like she might bite back, but the little brown and black thing looks just like dinner. Bramble also says to tell you he likes trees, although going up is much easier than coming back down again, and he was most embarrased about having to be rescued by one of the humans who live in his house.
___________

So there you have it. Visit to doc was crap as she's worried about my stomach pains and has given me one more week to see how things progress before sending me off for investigations. Bloody brilliant. I just want to be pain free, be left alone by medics with pointy things and cameras on big long bendy tubes, and ride horses and write my novel. Am getting truly pissed off with illness now, so am going to stop talking about it and have a brew!!!

Jumping

Tummy ache seems to be settling a bit, which is lucky because I really was at the end of my tether with it all.

I had another riding lesson today, and it was fab, although I haven't worked so hard in a very long time. I rode a new horse called Ivor. He needs lots of help to straighten him up, and so I spent the first part of the lesson getting a feel for him, and learning how to help him 'balance' himself through the transitions. I was knackered in no time, but it was a very good experience. At the end of 30 mins, my teacher suggested I 'pop him over' some 'little' jumps, only he starts at 2 foot, and 2 foot looks very big from aboard a horse! The first time I was so terrified I let him/asked him to run out, which he did most obligingly! But I did get over it second time around. No marks for style but then that's why I have lessons rather than compete at Olympic level, ha ha ha! Teach took some mini-vids so you can have a laugh.



Sadly, she didn't get one of my 'mishap'. I came down the long side of the school and was supposed to jump 3 uprights, but what happened was I got a bit nervous over the first, let him run out at the second, then got him back in line for the third, only to realise at the last minute it was higher than the others! There wasn't enough room to run out, so we jumped the block instead of the pole, and I ended up wrapped around his neck with no reins, no stirrups, and very nearly no horse! In the 20 months or so I've been riding, it's the closest I've come to falling off! Luckily, Ivor lifts his head up on landing (hence his martingale), so he caught me with his neck (I got chinned), but my backside found the saddle, and my legs somehow wrapped round his body and refused to be budged, so in no time I was sitting upright again, re-taking the reins, and seeing stars from hitting the pommel in a very delicate place! My dad said, "Oh God, be careful, Lisa!", and I'm thinking a body protector might be prudent if I'm going to keep learning how to jump!



I don't mean to be a wuss, but I've asked for Pete next week, to work on my flat work/position/sitting trot. I need a week or so to try to get fitter before I jump on Ivor again!

Where'd the week go?!!!

I can't believe it's Saturday already! This week has flown over. Where is the year going?! I got a letter this morning confirming my next scan date - mid Sept - and that really does mark the time.

Tuesday, I had to cancel my riding lesson on Hugo as I had so much stomach pain there was no way I could drive, let alone ride. I did manage to get there on Wednesday though, to discover that Hugo had been misbehaving the day before (bucking and generally complaining) so I rode Henry instead. I did a full 45 min lesson and we worked on position. After almost two years of riding I finally nailed it and now my transitions are much better (the changes of pace, e.g. from walk to trot etc.). I came home grinning like a mad woman!

I've had a few visitors this week too. I thought everyone had forgotten me, or were just too busy with their own lives to call. It's also summer hols so people are under enough stress trying to go to work and find something to do with their offspring! But no. I had a few phone calls, texts, and even people in person, so that's more than made up for the fact that my stomach is still being a git and causing me quite a few tears!

I don't know what it's like where you are, but today it is dull, grey, and very wet. We're all tucked up watching the first few competitions of the Olympics 2008 in China. Yesterday's Opening Ceremony was unbelievably brilliant and I still want to know how they make the 5 rings rise into the air over the stadium! I loved the giant firework foot prints that walked in the sky to the stadium too! If you missed it, you can catch it here for the next 7 days (maybe more) on the BBCi Player.

Well I'm off to do some work. No really! What do you mean I'm all talk and no words on paper?! True, there's much to be done on the novel still, but I have started looking at the chapter I'm currently working on, and have been fishing for bits of paid work I can do at home. So far I'm typing up a booklet on Comprehension and Writing Poetry for someone. It'll help keep me a) busy, b) feeling normal, and c) in riding lessons!

What a difference an 'a' makes (and other ramblings)

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.