quick post today

A quickie post today, I'm afraid, as kids nearly home from school.

It's been a great couple of days. Even the lung nurse phoning me to tell me my pancreas 'might' be enlarged, hasn't quelled my zest for life! I thanked her, hung up the phone and went riding with a big old smile on my face. This positive thinking stuff really makes a difference, eh!

Yesterday, I took K to school for the first time in a year (last Oct when I came of sick). She was so happy that I'm going to take her every other day next week, and then as often as I can. I also had a cracking ride on Henry - getting those transitions much more smooth again, and getting over losing my nerve - he tanked off again, and I had no panic at all! Am slowly but surely getting back to where I was before - next things to do are a) hack on the beach b) jumping again and c) getting to the stables more and hanging around to help out a bit - yes okay - I won't overdo it!!! Yesterday I stayed on to watch one of the staff lunging her horse - learned loads! After I went for Bowen and got home at 4ish, absolutely wiped out! Ended up sleeping for most of the evening.

But today feel great again. Have had healthy porridge, fruit, and watched a dvd by Louise Hay - she wrote You Can Heal Your Life which I bought years ago and still have on the shelf. My dad got me the dvd and it was like OMG why didn't I take notice of this when I first bought it. But you know, sometimes we just aren't ready for the information. I am obviously one of those people who need a sharp kick between the eyes before making real and lasting changes!

So now I fill my mind with good, positive thoughts. I tell myself I am healthy and strong constantly throughout the day, and whether or not it is coincidence doesn't matter - I feel stronger in the last 2 weeks than I have since the whole thing started last year. I feel more joyous. I appreciate life much much more, and I appreciate my body. I could wish I'd done all this years ago, but no point kicking myself either. The situation is obviously one the universe thinks I needed. Now I need good health, courage and strength!

And I'm still working on the novel too! Gosh. Success all round.

(Although I didn't go swimming today - oops. But I still haven't had any meat, sugar, eggs, or processed food in a fortnight! Or a brew!)

Herbal tea grows on you! Honest.

And I'm on to my 2nd lot of germinating seeds/sprouts - growing them that is. Now all I have to do is eat them all up!!!

In Search of Motivation/Digging Deep

It's been a week of deciding to do things, but also of procrastination, I'm afraid!  A week of listening to Cds, and of reading books.

So I decided;

• to start swimming again
• to do some writing
• to be more active and get out and do things
• to eat properly - working toward the full Ph Diet

However;

• have only got as far as digging out my swim suit and gym membership card - concerted effort to start Friday morning
• have so far only managed a couple 100 words or so
• Monday I made a few phone calls (although forgot to ring J back and she wasn't in on Tuesday), and did the food shopping.  Tuesday I did very little.  No excuses.  Today I  have to wait in for the Sky people to come back and sort out the mess they made of the wiring first time around.
• haven't eaten meat in 2 weeks, nor chocolate, nor sugar, nor white bread - or white anything come to think of it!  I have had dairy in the form of butter, and milk on cereal, but today I just ate fruit until lunch time, so avoided it.  I've not needed laxatives in 2 weeks, and am getting hardly any break through pain in the evenings. 

So far, I'm feeling fantastic, it must be said.  In fact, why on earth am I sitting around all day when I feel this great?!

I've been listening to some Cds by a bloke called Tony Robbins - change your life in a week stuff!  I wouldn't normally bother with all this self help/self analysis stuff, but L sent it, so I had to listen.  I'm half way through.  Some of the stuff he says;

• Have an hour of power every day.  This is your first hour of the day where you give yourself time to focus on goals, do visualisations, meditate, etc., and you must make it like an appointment with a very special person who you wouldn't let down.  (I'm a crap friend - have so far failed to turn up to the first meeting!)
• Psychology starts with physiology.  In other words, if you sit slumped and downward looking, you'll feel that way too.  (This one works!)
• He lists all the excuses we make for ourselves:
• I'll do it tomorrow - tomorrow never comes
• I'll do it after I do x, y, z/I'm too busy right now
• I'll just think about it some more and then I'll do it.
• etc.
• Visualise what you want in your life, focus on what you want, and push thoughts of what you don't want, out of your mind altogether.
• Get fit and active again if you've let that slide, some of us since childhood!  Love your body by feeding it right, and keeping it oiled and active.
• To make a start, just tell yourself you'll just do 10 minutes.  We are assured that once we get started we'll usually end up doing more (well, that's been true for this blog post!)

Bugger!  I am all inspired now and want to jump in the car and head for the pool, but I can't bloody well go out till the Sky people come.  And the kids are home at 3.30.  I need to bottle this feeling and when I get up in the morning, I can drink it up.  Then I'll do my hour of power, have fruit for breakfast, and go riding.  And when I get home I'll do some writing before Bowen Therapy.

(Voice in head says, "Yeah Right!  Ha ha ha!  Don't make laugh!  You'll stay up all night again playing solitaire while listening to the radio, and struggle to be out of bed for 9 am!")

I have faith in me!  I can do this change your life thing!  I have nothing to lose and everything to gain!  The sad thing is, I had decided to make all these changes a year and half ago, when I started running and swimming, and getting fit.  Only I didn't realise the cancer had already started - and I had left it too late to prevent it.  So now I just gotta reverse it again.  Pick up from where I left off.  Keep going.  keep fighting.

What the Oncologist said, Part IV

Sunflowers from Julie

I got a beautiful photo through the post yesterday, from Lesley. It was a moment caught on film, as the sun begins to rise over the sea, gently throwing its light over jagged, snow covered crags softening them. On the back she had written, "It's always darkest before the dawn." And she was right.

The dark bit has been the last few weeks, carrying the heartbreaking news of what was happening in my body, wondering what on earth the oncologist was going to say to me. Would he just send me home to die, I asked myself, and if so how would I deal with that one? But the dawn did come, and things were not as bad as I had thought. (It's still not fantastic, of course, but better than the worse case scenario above.

The oncologist said:

1. The lung tumor has reduced, and the lymph node is no longer visible! For me this means that the radiotherapy was not a waste of time, and that means a lot psychologically.
2. The 2 newbies are small (17mm the largest), but he used the word virulent which probably isn't great. The liver can still function as long as 50% of it is clear though.
3. I have the option of more chemotherapy (Taxotere) or possibly a new tablet called Tarceva.
4. I don't think he's thinking of curing me, rather keeping me alive as long as he can. If I can make 5 years I stand a good chance of making it a lot longer. I've already done a year.
5. The miracle alkalising powder/liquid zeolite seems to be a hoax/sham from reading the forums where loads of people have tried it and it hasn't done a thing.
6. He said changing my diet to a more healthy one is something I can try, as long as I don't get so miserable with food I hate that I stop eating!
7. The glimmer of hope - People have survived this, and worse. Okay, so the percentage is miniscule, but it is not impossible.
8. I intend to beat this and get my body and my life back, starting today with some horse riding and Bowen Therapy. Oh and lots of water, herbal teas, and stuff that looks like it came from the bottom of a bird cage!!!

Thanks again to everyone who has texted/called/visited/etc., and just generally supported me through what has been a somewhat, er... difficult time!

Dealing with Emotions

I haven't blogged much this past week - I needed to distance myself enough from all the fear and sadness I've been experiencing in order to be able to write about it. 

It's been a tough week or so, since I got that unexpected/unforeseen scan update.  I've been through every emotion under the sun, from absolute terror, to total devastation, and then back to positive and strong, and back again.  The interesting thing about all this for me, has been the role my mind has played.

The mind really is like the naughty child the Buddhists say it is!  It seems to wait for a quiet moment and then start to wiggle its way in with negative thoughts.  I've had to really keep an eye on my thoughts, and be ready to counter the negative ones the moment they arrive.  So far it's been working and I've only had two occasions when I've had to phone my dad and get him to come and talk to me (as negative thoughts take hold and spiral out of control.) 

On the plus side, I feel supported and loved by so many people, and really don't know what I ever did to deserve it!  They had a collection at work for me, to help with the costs of Bowen Therapy - which is really helping me so much, emotionally and physically.  I cried (in a good way!) when Babs came over and told me.  Thank you so much, all of you in the English Department at Edge Hill - you have no idea how much your gift means to me. 

I'm starting to see myself healthy and strong again, healthier than I've ever been before perhaps.  I am trying to visualise that - to really reach out and touch it as though it's real, and then maybe it will become real.  My rational, academic mind tries to but in often with thoughts of, "you're just kidding yourself - clutching at straws, love," but I've seen how negative thoughts perpetuate and aggravate situations in my own life, and that of others.  If it works negatively, it stands to reason that thinking positively also must attract more of the same too!

Also, the whole approach to food as medicine has given me lots to think about too.  I feel as though I'm actually taking control back of the situation.  Since the new regime I've been going to the loo normally for 5 days now without any laxatives at all!  I feel more energetic than I have in a year.  And that's only after 5 days (of small changes too - I haven't even started on the full on program yet!  Just cut out meat, dairy, processed foods etc, and started drinking more water, herbal/fruit teas, eating sprouted beans, brown rice, seeds and dried fruit, and a whole host of stuff I've never heard of before is waiting in the kitchen to be prepared!!!  My taste buds are upset and beg for chocolate and tea with milk and sugar!  I watched the family sit down last night to fresh lamb steaks, while I munched away on raw sprouted beans, lightly fried stir fry veg (2 mins in olive oil), short grain brown rice, and a sauce made of butternut squash, red onion and red pepper.  Hmm.  But I will get used to it, and my body seems to love it.  For breakfast this morning I had 100ml of wheat-grass juice with algae in it (not as bad as it sounds!), seeds, nuts, dried fruit and a half cheat with 2 pieces of whole-grain seeded brown bread toasted.  The diet is called The Ph Miracle and is so complicated, but I'm getting there!

Today is a lovely day.  The rain is pouring and the wind is shaking the trees outside, and I am warm and safe in my living room, talking to whoever reads this, and hoping that the message gets through - that no matter how bad things are, it is possible to scrape yourself up off the floor and be happy again, and it doesn't matter if you collapse now and again, if the wicked thoughts take over, as long as you nip them in the bud or have someone who can help you when they've taken hold!

Doc tomorrow.  No idea what he will say, but I've booked  Bowen the day after, and horse riding, to help me get through it, whatever he says.

A New Way of Eating

One of the main ways to restore my health is through diet, so this week I've been thinking, and reading lots, about food. It makes for quite frightening reading - that most of our western diet is actually non-food! Apparently our daily intake should be divided in an 80/20 split, with 80% fresh vegetables (lightly steamed or even better, raw), fruit (as with veg), sprouts (as in water cress sprouts etc.), brown rice, unprocessed foods, seeds, grains, nuts, and so on. The 20% is for meats (if you must but better not to), dairy (though again, not recommended), oily fish, and so on.

I don't know about you but my diet, even though we cook from scratch mostly, is still appalling in terms of the 'healthy' eating rules!

But all that is changing, albeit a bit slowly. I have to make my taste buds change to accept soya milk, and to change over to herbal teas. No more sugars, saturated fats, meats, or junky, processed foods.
____________________________________________________

Apart from learning about food, I went horse riding again, and have been mostly positive and up. I am certain that the day is coming when everything will be back to normal!

Hangin' in there...

I had Bowen again today and can honestly say it is the most relaxed and positive I have ever been in my life! I was on cloud 9 afterwards, and skipped out of there, joyous to see the sunshine and 100% confident that I can beat this.

I did slip back, however, on meeting some people who don't know the scan results, and in telling them I found myself getting tearful and afraid again. It also makes me sad to see that other people are frightened and upset by the whole thing too.

But I have managed to turn it around again. I've been looking at the stuff listed on a site (cancer fighting strategies) with alternative strategies, and am now researching further into these. The main things that keep turning up from a billion sources are;

- making the body alkaline through diet, liquid zeolite, or both (cancer loves acidic environments)
- getting more oxygen into the cells (cancer loves low levels of O2)
- killing of the fungi and bacteria that flourish in a low O2/high acidity environment (diet/supplements)
- re-introducing the good bacteria (through pro-biotics and diet)
- using positive mental strategies as outlined in The Secret and in countless other sources (to believe it, see it, visualise it gone and the body left with perfect health)

I'm not giving up by any means. I've just seen and heard too many stories of people curing themselves with the above methods that I cannot just dismiss it out of turn as my doctors appear to. One doctor actually told me that a change in diet wouldn't make any difference whatsoever (what? to anything? Changing to a high fibre diet has already sorted out most of my stomach problems and that was recommended by a dietician!)

Riding tomorrow and some visitors, which will be nice, and I also have my birth uncle over from Canada until Saturday, and enjoying that loads! I even made it to the Anglican Cathedral in Liverpool yesterday - although I had to leave U. B. and hubby to make their own way home as there was more they wanted to do (Beatles shop/The Cavern etc.,) and I was starting to be tired and in pain. But the point is I drove there and back, had a reasonably good day, and am feeling very positive again!

Righto. Still got a broken Sky box, so off to watch 'Lost in Austin' on ITV's catch up web service!

Today is the first day of my new life.

Thank you to everyone who has supported me through this past year or so (my, is it really that long already - how time flies when you're having treatment!). It's been a long road, and I obviously either didn't;
a) learn the lesson I was supposed to learn or
b) focus enough on the positive or
c) manage to rid myself of the stress, negative thinking patterns, or past traumas that attracted the illness to me in the first place.

Or a combination of all 3!

I got up this morning and when I reached the kitchen I found myself becoming very angry and stressed about the mess. It was only after I'd cleared most of the mess, loaded the dishwasher, and made a brew that I suddenly stopped and asked myself why was I upset, and what was I really upset about. The kitchen? Or perhaps yesterday's diagnosis?!!! It was just my mind being naughty, and focusing on the negative again.

So I got out The Secret, and re-read the chapter on Healing. I reminded myself that every cell in the body is replaced regularly, so that in 7 years, not a single atom in you will be the same. I reminded myself of how fantastic I feel, and repeated over and over in my head "I feel fantastic. I am healing. Thank you for my healing." I read about the placebo effect again, whereby a patient is healed despite the fact that the medicine they received was only water, or a sugar pill. Their mind healed them. I read all the cases of patients who have healed themselves by picturing themselves well again, every second of every day. Within a short time (still had tea left in the cup!) I felt positive, safe, and confident that I am going to be perfectly okay.

The Secret also talks about the importance of not talking about the condition. The teaching is that to discuss the illness gives it attention, and attracts more of the same, because (and I believe this and have found it to be true throughout my life) that what we think about and focus on is what we receive more of. The universe, or God, or cosmic energy - whatever you want to call it, has no concept of 'good' and 'bad' and so it will provide us with what we want (that is what we focus on with our minds).- So I've decided that once the news is shared (as in yesterday's blog post and countless phone calls to the non-bloggers!) I don't want to talk about it anymore. Don't want to give it any energy or attention, or thoughts.

I blogged about this in the past - the old "How are you?" chestnut. Some people took it to mean that I didn't want people to ask how I am, but that wasn't what I meant. What I meant was that when we ring someone up to see how they are (which is lovely, and needed, and truly appreciated), we need to accept their answer and not keep asking questions, and/or dwelling on the illness or whatever problem it is they are having - and I have been guilty of this myself in the past, when all I wanted was to provide a sympathetic ear. But now I'm in this little predicament, and now that I understand the need to be positive in all my thoughts, I realise that talking about things endlessly, is not the answer.

So I think it's a case of ask how people are doing, and be there if they want/need to talk, but when the talking is done, move on to normal things!

A final note: My dad is the best. He calls and says how are you, and is there if i need to talk, but he also understands the importance of not giving these negative things any attention, so he will quickly move on to talk about when my next riding lesson is, or what I've been up to. He reminds me that I can do this, can change it all around and make my body healthy again by thinking positive thoughts, and focusing on perfect health, goodtimes, and more perfect health!

So have a great day - I'm going to!

Si quieres llegar a la cima...

...tienes que empezar al fondo.

 

It's a funny old thing, life (or perhaps it's more 'sentience' than life itself).  No matter how close to the bottom you think you are, there always seems to be just a little more descent left to fall down.

I thought I'd reached the bottom and was on my way back up again, but then I went to see the doc.  And she was acting very strangely. 

I was full of beans this morning, going on about how much better I feel, and all the improvements etc., and yet she had that look on her face - a mixture of pity and sorrow.  It was the expression of one who knows something you do not, and who wishes they did not know.

So I said, "Go on.  What is it?" and she said, "When do you see Dr. E (the oncologist)?"  I said not for another two weeks, why?  Her face began to crumble under the weight of her knowledge.  She shook her head and wrung her hands a bit more, which, to be honest, was a tad disconcerting.  I've never seen her look even remotely phased before. 

Then I saw pictures on her pc of a scan, and I knew it was mine.  "What have you found?" I asked.  She doesn't want to tell me.  She's looking at me like so many doctors must have looked at so many patients before.  I'm waiting for the "I'm so sorry but..." line.

Okay.  Deep breath.  Do not freak out.  Bad news is a-comin' but I can take it.  Bring it on...

There's two more shadows turned up, 17mm in size, only in the liver this time.  The good news is that it'll be the same cells as in the lung - non-small cell, slow growing.  She said cancer doesn't spread like a train, moving from point A to point B over time, but rather like a star-burst, it radiates throughout the entire body from the start, and then lies dormant, or grows, or whatever it does, over time.  At least that's how I understand it - I could be confused/mistaken but will let you know as I find out!

She said it was also good news that I was feeling so well in myself, because if these two newbies were very active, I'd be feeling really crap and unable to do anything.  They probably won't cut it out, but treat it with chemo - say may yet end up bald.  And it explains the pains I'm having in my abdomen too.

My head is trying its best to remain positive - to keep focused on all the people who have beaten their cancers and other life-threatening illnesses even when the prognosis (and indeed the disease) was far worse than mine.  So I need to stay positive.  After all, I've worked so hard these last two weeks to turn my head around, to stop with the sliding into acceptance that it was gonna be game over.  I may have lost a match but the game is most definitely NOT over!

As I said in the very beginning of this post;

If you want to reach the top, you have to start at the bottom - I just hope this really is the bottom at last!

Inspiration comes from the most unexpected places...

It's been another good day, or days, or however long it is since I last posted!

I had my CT-scan today, and it may be coincidence but I went along in a purposeful, positive state of mind, and it all went very smoothly and quickly. When the guy (who always makes holes in me before calling for help) said, "I remember you! You're the vein lady!" I stayed calm and jokingly (well semi-jokingly!) said I hoped he'd improved since last time, to which he replied it was my fault. But I'm reading A New Earth: Awakening to your life's purpose (Eckhart Tolle), and The Secret (again!), so I just concentrated on my breathing and accepted whatever happened. He didn't get the line in first time, and it was sited badly so really hurt, but the stomach pains have been far worse, so I kept on breathing. As you do.

Bowen Therapy was really good on Monday. Again, I don't know if it's coincidence, but I'm really feeling the benefit. Today I had no pain at all until around 4-ish, and even then it was quite mild. I ate and it subsided even more, and I got to 10 pm before I realised I'd forgotten to take my 8 o'clock pain killers! Good stuff - am so grateful! Not least because my first two Bowen sessions have been paid for me, by two wonderful people. You know who you are - thank you so much.

This morning, Desi rang me from Spain and we had a long chat. It's weird, but while I was so low over the past few months, I didn't see much of anyone, but now I'm back to embracing life, and reminding myself to avoid wallowing; to be grateful for every moment, and to seek the best in everything, the phone hasn't stopped ringing! I even got a call from a girl I went to music college with, whom I haven't spoken to since 1987! That was lovely. She found me through Friend's Re-united which was a shock because I'd forgotten I'd listed myself there!

Riding tomorrow - woohoo! I even feel like writing again, and can see the book finished in my mind. You know, it really is going to happen! I'm so excited - I'll get well, I'll finish my book, and I'll get as good as I can get with the hay-eaters!

And now for the inspiration - hubby showed me this and I just had to share it with you. Whenever I feel like I can't do something, and blame limitations, I'm going to come back and watch this wee vid. Ay! Phenomenal!

A Good Week

I've been meaning to blog all week but somehow didn't get around to it!  I had a weird couple of days after the Bowen Therapy; headaches, pain worsening in stomach and shoulder, yet very content and positive in terms of the mind.  The therapist said that for three days after, physical symptoms may be worse, and to expect headaches too.

Cookers

By Saturday morning though, everything felt much better physically.  We went out looking for a replacement cooker as our oven died a few weeks ago.   'The man' said it'd be £200 to fix and at 14 years old, would probably break somewhere else, so it'd make more sense to buy a new one.  I hate the way nothing is built to last anymore and was pleased with our 14 year old cooker, but I had to accept it was the scrap heap for the poor thing.

Have you seen the price of cookers???!!!  Ours has two ovens, a grill, timer and self-cleaning liners (a must!) so to replace all that came in at £550.  Nearly had a heart attack. We went to the nearest retail park and found the £550 cooker for £450 in the shop next door, and then later in the evening, went online and found it for £350!  It really does pay to do a bit of research before you buy, eh.

Riding

Coming  on, coming  on!  Had another jumping lesson on Siobhan again, and am getting my confidence back now that my seat is far more secure.  I was quite tired though, but maybe that was due to having the Bowen a couple of days prior.  I'd had enough by the end of the lesson - put it that way!  I'm going to start helping out the minute I can physically handle more than a couple of hours of activity!

Scan Tomorrow

Results at the beginning of October.

The rest of it...

I've been out visiting!  Can you believe it?!  Actually got out of my house and went to someone else's house!  Been catching up with lots of people I didn't see over the summer too, as they were either away or busy with kids.  J brought me some lovely home-made apple chutney (yum yum!), and I had a phone call from someone I went to music college with in 1986/7!  She found me listed on friend's re-united and emailed me last week.  That was lovely.  And I have a birth relative coming to stay for a few days while on a business trip - so very excited and imagining myself well so that I can be active and able to go out, (or even just get off the sofa would be a good start!) when he's here.

Yup.  It has been, all in all, a good week.  A very good week, and I've a feeling there'll be more good weeks to come!

Now I better get to bed before my husband thinks I've fallen asleep on the couch.  Again!