Tuesday, 13 January 2009

Oh Dear! It wasn't good news...

...So, worst case scenario - i.e. no more treatment and let it take its course and this cancer which is now in my \R\ frontal lobe, pancreas, liver (x2), lung and lymph node, will see me off inside months rather than years. And aside from crying I don't know what else to say to you. I'd better get writing quick smart if I'm gonna finish my novel, and am still praying that the oncologist has something more encouraging to say tomorrow... we'll see eh. Obviously the Tarceva hasn't done a thing so far!!!

I'd love to be more philosophical but it's so hard to even think straight when being told shit like this, even to not cry when the kids have just come home from school, but I don't know how too. I pray for strength and smiles to keep me going as long as possible. I've never wanted to be alive so much in all my life.

Monday, 12 January 2009

Happy 2 year anniversary to The Hesitant Scribe!!! And Annual Review...

Heal Lisa by Amandaheallisa

I love unicorns, have always loved unicorns and so a friend did this picture for me, entitled Heal Lisa - Lovely isn't it?'!

It was the 2 year anniversary of the blog the other day, and I was thinking - how life can just take a turn for the worse with no warning.    -Friday afternoon the District Nurses came to the house and hooked me up to a syringe driver for anti-nausea drugs, which seem to have started working for me as I've only just started on them (have to wait 48 hrs to see).

So, Friday night - went to bed, and can hardly describe what happened next!!!  It felt like cramp - the kind you get in your big toe only it was in my head... I saw my husband look panicked and then lean across me to get the phone, and just heard him saying something abut an ambulance and then I woke up in the ambulance but wasn't thinking clearly until we were in the hospital.  Apparently I had a fit/seizure due to another tumour that has grown in the frontal lobe I've no idea what this means in real terms and am still in shock to be honest, a bit dazed to say the least!  More medication -  bring it on but the  worse thing is that I can't drive my car no more beekeeper!!!!!

Friday, 9 January 2009

Sorry for the Delay....

....in this post, but I've been too ill to do anything... Been throwing up since last post, and am now at the stage where things have been grinding to a halt with no food staying down and nothing coming out the other end either. I was really worried last night, to be honest - I've gone down to 8 st. 5 oz, and was so weak I could hardly hold my head up.
I thought, I'm going to end up in hospital at this rate, so drank some V8 vegetable juice through a straw, managed to keep it down, and immediately started to feel a little better. But I've got a long way to go, and have had to cancel riding lessons since Xmas Eve. humph. I wrote a blog post by hand on the 2 year anniversary of the Hesitant Scribe, but have been... you guessed it!... too ill to type it up! I'm hoping this post will suffice for now - they're coming with a driver later to see if we can put a stop to this bloody nausea - then I can eat some food and start gaining some strength again, get riding, and writing... What was that saying? God loves a tryer? Well, I'm certainly that, clinging to the last - that's me.

Thursday, 1 January 2009

vomitus new yearus

...forgive short post but have got vomity bleugh bug thing so went to bed on new year at 12.30 but woke at 3 am chucking up guts so will have to tell all then - loasds to say but er... in mean time ...Happy New Year 09!!!!!!

Monday, 29 December 2008

scan tomorrow!!!

It's a biggie tomorrow - CT Scan first thing in the morning, and a rather important one at that because it's when we find out what the Tarceva has been doing; and have the tumours shrunked/reduced/disappeared altogether(?!!!)/remained stable/(almost the one we're hoping for actually). I won't know the results for ages though - don't see my oncologist until JAN 19th - be positive I tell myself, the worst is overm now we just live! But really live, you know, no f**king about and wasting time- there's writing to be done, or rather extracting it from my brain's hard drive where I've been drafting/redrafting and shaping the pieces of the quilt that are to be 'stitched' together into a novel of sorts - and I just found out that Las Cartas has been accepte somewhere for a new mag's first edition (will let you know more as I find out!) - how exciting! :) What else? Oh yeah, the Little' Un had her first canter ("without screaming, mummy!") today, so it was a celbratory day - also - the new pain meds dosagw is lasting from 8 till 5.30 now so i'm very optimistic that with a few more tweaks we can eradicate it altogether and then i'll have no more excuses for not writing more!

Saturday, 27 December 2008

Christmas Gall...

...bladder attacks for moi on the old 25th, I'm afraid! It was a fab day til then though, and we learn to appreciate those golden moments such as having a few pain free moments! We went to my parent-in-laws' house for a traditional Christmas dinner (with my parents too). You see I knew I should've ignored the trimmings (even though I kinda thought I had - no cream - no chipolatas, no turkey skin all crisp and inviting - no desert, well, okay, yes desert, but only a little tiny bit, but* but* but* but* I did eate a lot more than I have in a long time, so perhaps that's why y gallbladder decided to cock up and otherwise perfect day.

We got home about 6ish after i'd had a couple of hours of mild tummy cramps, but then I had a nap, and woke up half an hour later unable to breath hardly with what felt like someone taking a chainsaw to my middle - it lasted hours for f***sake, so hubby rang the doc and found a neighbour to take care of Little'Un, and we waited while I screamed and the doc arrived and took a look at me, and said something like, "Oh yes, Gallbladder - very painful. But I can't give her any diamorphine, I can only preswcribe it and the disrict nurse will have to come to administer it." Or words to that effect, and I said, " Oh my, what a shame!" Or words to that effect. And the doc had taken 2 EFFING HOURS TO GET TO ME and the nurse took FOREFFINGEVER,so that I my screaming had scared the gallstones into submission (along with half the street I think) and she still hadfn't arrived with my lovely syringe full of pain relief!!!

Total crap. And now it's Boxing Day and late and I'm trying to type this as fast as I can before the pain revisits me for the bedtime slot!

ARGH! Hope y'all had a good one - much love,

hesitant wotsit

Tuesday, 23 December 2008

It's nearly Christmas - woo hoo!!!


I am sooo excited! It's Christmas Eve tomorrow... I love Christmas Eve, when all the house is lovely and tidy, the shopping done, and anything that hasn't been done will just have to go whistle for it! And then it's time to settle down by the tree, and wrap the kids' presents up. Watch telly and wait for Santa!

And for anyone who missed it last year:

This is my favourite Christmas text of all time. I listened to it every Christmas as a child, and now read it to mine. I'm sure it's out of copyright, so hopefully it is okay to share with you all!

The Night Before Christmas by Clement Clarke Moore (1779-1863)

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;
And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
'Now, DASHER! now, DANCER! now, PRANCER and VIXEN!
On, COMET! on CUPID! on, DONDER and BLITZEN!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!'
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.
His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
'HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD-NIGHT'.
___________
And so, from me, Happy Christmas to All, and a Prosperous and Healthy 2009 (and beyond!)

Saturday, 20 December 2008

...still a tad crappy!

Golly! 2 posts in 2 days - you'll be sending me a medal for this!!!  I'm still feeling crappy though, with nausea, and pain, though the oxynorm (new extra strength, no less) does work eventually - looking at the symptoms I've got - this looks very much like pancreatitis but I don't know what they can do about it.  The tumour they found was 3.5cm (and even though I believe the Tarceva has started to shrink it), and my pancreas is not impressed with this at all!  And I'm shrinking away too.  I have to check every single label on food before I can eat anything - due to the fat content... especially the saturates - so if anyone out there wants to lose weight, just try cutting down on your fat intake!!!  I've gone down to 8st 7lbs... a steady descent from the 11st 5oz I had gone up to during chemotherapy last winter!  And it isn't difficult when you know it's going to really hurt if you have too much, like REALLY!!!

This morning woke up to the little one shouting me - she has caught one of these horrid tummy bugs, and of course it would be when hubby is away so luckily my mummy has been here all day taking care of both of us - and little one is recovering fast now that she's had some (more) antibiotics, and has been out for a walk to get some fresh air with nanna :)

It's 3.30 and the abdominal pain is just beginning to kick in again, so I'll leave this post here...

Thank yous go to S for the lovely Bath Spa thingy she brought me, and my eldest child who has been an absolute Godsend this past week or so.

We haven't sent any Christmas Cards this year - as hubby is giving the money we would have spent on them to the Hospice where I am treated soooo well (and they aren't funded either, which is a disgrace).  Am working on an 'e-card' to send but goodness only knows when I'll get that finished!

Hope you're all happy and organised for Chrimbo - and looking forward to the festivities - I for one can't wait!

Friday, 19 December 2008

I'm Back!!! 8st 7lbs

No Blogging... blame Bramble!  (NO that's not patience you can see, it's an illusion!)

DSC00321

I have been trying to write this post for what feels like weeks, but is only a week and a half! Tuesday morning (after the last blog post) I rode like a total muppet - no really, I did :( - so I've asked about some lessons on the lunge to sort my position out but especially my hands. After riding I saw my doc at the Hospice, and she doubled all my meds again, however, Tuesday pm, things started to get bad as early as 1 in the afternoon.  I've basically had another one of those weeks from hell, with abdominal pain that was verging on that of pancreatitis or a gallbladder attack.  Like cripplingly severe - cry your eyes out kind of pain/can't think/can't talk/can't do anything but rock back and forth and howl.  (My poor poor family!)   By Saturday morning I was in such a mess I phoned the hospice to speak to my palliative care specialist, and thank God, she was there that weekend - so I got catheterised (yeuck!), and examined (all okay), and the meds all upped again.  Massively.

At last I got a good night's sleep (first one in over a week), and awoke feeling fantastic, so I ran downstairs, and rang my friend to tell her I could take the girls riding.  I was horrified when she said very sensibly I might add, that she would prefer it if I didn't drive just yet, given how much opiate painkillers I am now taking, and I foolishly got all upset about it.  You see, my body has been a right old mess admittedly, but my mind is clear and my faculties have not been affected (honestly!).  I tried to explain that I would only drive if I felt 100% safe in doing so, but the poor woman stuck to her guns, and so I said I'd meet her there.  Of course as soon as I put the phone down, a wave of dizziness and nausea hit me from out of nowhere, and I had to call her back (in disgrace) to ask if she could take me and my little 'un after all, because I really couldn't have driven for all the laxatives in Boots!

I got very emotionally upset about all of that because as I keep saying (like some kind of loony...) MY HEAD IS FINE!!!  I am not drunk and stumbling around thinking I am walking in a straight line, or can do x, y, or z when I clearly cannot.

But long term illness gets you that way.  People have to care for you/see you at your worst, when you're throwing up or feel so bad you can't think straight because of the pain, and I find I am constantly trying to defend my mental capacities/judgemental ability.  And no one has treated me like a child either,  so it's not like I have reason to feel like this (and anyway that was last week, and I feel fine now!).  Apart from when people phone me and say stupid bloody things like, "Have you taken your painkillers?!"  Er, no.  I thought I'd just leave them and roll up into a ball for the rest of the day!  Of course I've taken my effing meds!!!

Monday was better and I was going to blog, but then I had some unexpected visitors (to be fair, one of them was written on the calendar in the kitchen, but I'd forgotten!), and got nothing done, but it was lovely to see K, and my long lost bosom buddy L.

Tuesday I had a lunge lesson, and improved my position and hands somewhat.  I did drive, but I asked my dad to come with me, so he could take over if I was too tired at the end of the lesson to drive home.  Didn't blog.

100_0708

At last - the muppet sits up tall!!!

Wednesday was go to get more Tarceva day.  No blogging, but lots of face-booking ( it's easier to write one line or so, than a whole blog post).

Yesterday it was back to excruciating pain again, but it turned out to be a load of crap - quite literally!!!  After about 3 hours on the loo, my legs had gone dead, but my stomach felt better.

Today, I receive my order of A&W Root Beer.  And it amazes me how a smell and/or a flavour can whisk us back in time over 3o years.  I've been thinking about my childhood a lot recently, mainly due to being in contact with my cousins, who were more like sisters and a brother to me, as I grew up with them in BC until I was nearly 7.  And they've been posting cute pics of us all when we were kids. 

root beer

 

 

 

Possibly the bestest drink in the world - I can't think why the English dislike it so much!!!

 

 

 

 

 

I've done all my Christmas shopping on-line - thank God for the Internet!!!  And the tree is done - thanks to little 'un and NeeNee, and Hubby for agreeing to me getting a real one for a change - the house is already full of pine needles but I love it! YAY for the smell of a real tree!!!  This is gonna be the best Christmas so far!!!

tree 2008

The Tree 2008...

Righto - will not leave it so long next time.  Promise.

Monday, 8 December 2008

Not a mum content to hold the coats!


Bramble Wonders What's Going On With All The White Glistening Stuff!

It was verrrry cold on Sunday morning, and I was awake at 5am thanks to tummy ache (again), but the sky was clear and as the sun came up, it became apparent that it was actually a very beautiful day - Bramble looked out of the front window, into a world bathed in that gorgeous winter orange twilight, and when I opened the patio doors instead of bounding out across the grass, he looked at me as though to say, "What the hell?!" Then he tentatively walked to where you see him in the pic above, shaking each paw after it had touched the ground, and sat for a good 5 minutes just looking around!

Saturday turned into a very successful shopping spree as Derby House (tack shop) sent me an email advertising a 20% discount off everything for that weekend only! So off the little oneand I went to Grandma's house, and then to "a surprise" place. When we got there she said, "Is it a wood shop?!" but then she went inside and saw the pictures of horses everywhere and sqealed with delight!

She got her Christmas presents early (as you can see in pic below); jodhpur boots, half chaps, and a plush black velvet riding hat to go with her new jodhpurs and riding gloves I got her on Friday after my lesson! You've never seen a child so grateful - you'd have thought we'd given her a million quid!

Despite the frost we took her to her group lesson on Sunday morning -all kitted out and grinning from ear to ear! It was soooo cold that hardly any kids had turned up (to volunteer!), so I ended up being my little one's leader. While hubby froze on the sidelines with a camera, I was sweating cobs after the first trot round the indoor school, and peeling off layers by the second. Great fun - I think I'll help out more often! (That was how I ended up being trained as an assistant gymnastics coach though!)



And today I've had loads of visitors so haven' done half the things I was going to, but cares?! There's a whole week ahead! Carpe Diem and all that!