I've been in a very dark place for a while now - something to do with being in constant pain, and having constant nausea, not to mention the lack of energy, the cold sweats, and, nearly forgot (!) all those loverly burns!
Of course the kitten has been an absolute godsend, keeping me company, purring away while ripping my hands to pieces (I look like I've started self-harming!). When I've been too ill to scrape myself off the sofa, I've managed to get to the kitchen to feed him, so he's forced me to make a physical effort. So it hasn't been all bad. Also have the shiny new laptop, a hubby to die for (oops - really should rephrase that!), and wonderful kids. And I am still here.
So these things have helped somewhat in digging me out of the depression I'd been stuck in, like sinking sand. The haircut helped too, but yesterday I must confess to crying for much of the day. I was sad because I packed all my teaching files away; my career is now in 9 large boxes on top of the office cupboards. My briefcase looks forlorn and un-used. I was mourning my life because my life as I knew it, my life prior to November last year has gone. There was no teaching of fastrack this summer, and no modules to be written/updated for September. No more wages. I have to re-evaluate who I am, where I'm going, and what I'm going to do with my life (and of course we don't know how much life I've got left either - much as no one wants to think of that fact, including me.
Only I have to live with it every day. And it is very stressful.
Which is why I wanted to keep up with my riding. That time each week where the only thing to be considered is your relationship with the horse you are riding/handling. It's like meditation because the mind is concentrated on one activity 100%, and I love it.
Well, today I finally got back in the saddle, and even lasted the full half hour, although I had to take it easy and work at a walk now and then. It was fantastic. I was grinning from ear to ear, cantering around the school, sitting in balance and riding as well as ever. What a relief (I thought I might've had to start from scratch again due to such muscle wastage and loss of fitness).
I am officially on my way back from the chemo and radiotherapy, and although I don't see the oncologist until 23rd July, and there won't be a scan for ages after that, I think as long as I can get out and ride, I'll be able to cope a lot better with whatever they say. At least that's the plan at any rate.