Life has changed unrecognisably in a week. This morning I was woken at 8.30 / 9.00 a.m. by a lovely but apologetic District Nurse wielding a hypodermic needle filled with an anti-convulsant - such service omg! Friday, the week before, the same nurse had arrived mid-afternoon wielding a driver for the first time and I though ,"Oh No! This is the Beginning of the End" (And I very possibly wasn't wrong! Ha Ha!"). The driver is a little machine/injection thingie that goes under the skin at one end and into a syringe the other. It's to give me anti-nausea meds (but I'd seen them before in Clatterbridge on the terminal patients so was completely freaked out by just the mention of it - also I was needle phobic - til about a week ago - so that freaked me out too). Anyway, I calmed down, accepted the driver and drugs, and remained hopeful the situation wouldn't get any worse. So far, so good. Went to bed at 1.30 a.m. and then the weirdest thing happened. It was like having cramp in your perception, meaning I could see Hubby's face, and then like an LSD trip, the image kind of slid down to the left and then snapped back up into place again. At the same time I became aware of tunnel vision and my left leg shot out (again like cramp). I was trying to regain control of my leg when everything went black. The next thing I remembered was being outside in the street and then - cut film sequence - in back of ambulance - lots of faces - in hospital - left in hospital cubicle, and then memory was ok from then on.
I had to spend the rest of the night and following day on the ward under observation, by this time we knew I'd had a seizure / fit thingie (SHIT & DOUBLE SHIT!!!) and had been sent for a CT scan... but worse was to come (Christ I soo know how John Diamond must have felt as he continued on with his writing
*interruption to note this is the first time I've been alone since then - been on 'fit' watch, and have so much to say/think/etc but at same time - feel sick and eye-sight is all blurry so hubby, bless him, typed up first half of this post, and I'm struggling to get this down, hitting delete/backspace more than the letters lol*
Hospital CT SCAN of head showed a big tumour in the Right hemisphere, hence fit, so more meds with scary names :( by this time I was growing number by the second) omg omg omg - then back home eventually, tons of tears/heartbreak then calm, then the news, you can't drive anymore - absolute HORROR at that one.hospital staff gave me the pillow just because I said it was the best pillow I've ever had! Fuck me, the privileges of the dying, eh!). The food was superb and I really can't fault any of my care medical, personal or otherwise. Tuesday, I had an appointment with hubby and palliative care doc, and she had rest of scan results: lung unchanged, pancreas one increased substantially as have the two in the liver - think I've told you all this before?!! sorry if I have! - so anyway, the appointment ended up being one of those 'how we're going to manage your pain etc. jobbie', bur when you've been in pain the entire time, as I have been, that's all that you're scared of!
Weds we went for the "I'm really sorry, but" appointment with the oncologist or
What the Oncologist Said Part V
not a lot aside from sorry,as though it could be his fault at a all, which it clearly is not and never could be, for that matter. Nope. This is my task. My Journey. My own Personal Head Wreck, and there are two major thoughts/feelings:
1. Relief - no big operations/pain pain pain
2. Contentment -I've no regrets in my life - am not ready to get off just. yet but if that's what fate has in store, then okay... *she says through the biggest f***off wry grin you can imagine*!!
And can I just say 2 things too!
1. Thank you to everyone who has in no particular order -rung/emailed/messaged/texted/visited/cooked meals for me&family/driven/babyminded/baked/hoovered/cleaned/even bathed me!!!thanksNic/held and emptied sick bowlseveryone/talkedtome-thankseveryone/keptmespritualandtherefore sane thank you dad I love my dad, and I have the best Husband-in-the-Universe.
2. Going to Learn this EFT Thing as it just might do the trick, and even if it can't cure me, if it can just control symptoms like nausea/urinary hesitancy/pain,and there's so many of people want to learn it to help me (?!) why on earth I wonder- this week has taught me just how blessed, lucky and loved I am!!!
3. I lied! Tis 3 But it's taken me 30 odd mins to write that last section - some pics tomorrow, shall be added!!!
Listen! Night Night Everyone - as an exercise, if you are really fed up with your life at the minute, ask yourself, if you were told you had to go away on a long journey, who would you miss, but also who would you miss? Nothing else. Just the relationships/he people.