Monday, 19 January 2009

8 st. 2 oz. and What the Oncologist Said Part V

Life has changed unrecognisably in a week.  This morning I was woken at 8.30 / 9.00 a.m. by a lovely but apologetic District Nurse wielding a hypodermic needle filled with an anti-convulsant - such service omg!  Friday, the week before, the same nurse had arrived mid-afternoon wielding a driver for the first time and I though ,"Oh No! This is the Beginning of the End" (And I very possibly wasn't wrong! Ha Ha!").  The driver is a little machine/injection thingie that goes under the skin at one end and into a syringe the other.  It's to give me anti-nausea meds (but I'd seen them before in Clatterbridge on the terminal patients so was completely freaked out by just the mention of it - also I was needle phobic - til about a week ago - so that freaked me out too).  Anyway, I calmed down, accepted the driver and drugs, and remained hopeful the situation wouldn't get any worse.  So far, so good.  Went to bed at 1.30 a.m.  and then the weirdest thing happened.  It was like having cramp in your perception, meaning I could see Hubby's face, and then like an LSD trip, the image kind of slid down to the left and then snapped back up into place again.  At the same time I became aware of tunnel vision and my left leg shot out (again like cramp).  I was trying to regain control of my leg when everything went black.  The next thing I remembered was being outside in the street and then - cut film sequence - in back of ambulance - lots of faces - in hospital - left in hospital cubicle, and then memory was ok from then on. 

I had to spend the rest of the night and following day on the ward under observation, by this time we knew I'd had a seizure / fit thingie (SHIT & DOUBLE SHIT!!!) and had been sent for a CT scan...   but worse was to come (Christ I soo know how John Diamond must have felt as he continued on with his writing

*interruption to note this is the first time I've been alone since then - been on 'fit' watch, and have so much to say/think/etc but at same time - feel sick and eye-sight is all blurry so hubby, bless him, typed up first half of this post, and I'm struggling to get this down, hitting delete/backspace more than the letters lol*

Hospital CT SCAN of head showed a big tumour in the Right hemisphere, hence fit, so more meds with scary names :( by this time I was growing number by the second)  omg omg omg - then back home eventually, tons of tears/heartbreak then calm, then the news, you can't drive anymore - absolute HORROR at that one.hospital staff gave me the pillow just because I said it was the best pillow I've ever had! Fuck me, the privileges of the dying, eh!).  The food was superb and I really can't fault any of my care medical, personal or otherwise.  Tuesday, I had an appointment with hubby and palliative care doc, and she had rest of scan results: lung unchanged, pancreas one increased substantially as have the two in the liver - think I've told you all this before?!! sorry if I have! - so anyway, the appointment ended up being one of those 'how we're going to manage your pain etc. jobbie', bur when you've been in pain the entire time, as I have been, that's all that you're scared of!

Weds we went for the "I'm really sorry, but" appointment with the oncologist or

What the Oncologist Said Part V

not a lot aside from sorry,as though it could be his fault at a all, which it clearly is not and never could be, for that matter. Nope.  This is my task.  My Journey.  My own Personal Head Wreck, and there are two major thoughts/feelings:

1. Relief - no big operations/pain pain pain

2. Contentment -I've no regrets in my life - am not ready to get off just. yet but if that's  what fate has in store, then okay... *she says through the biggest f***off wry grin you can imagine*!!

And can I just say 2 things too!

1. Thank you to everyone who has in no particular  order -rung/emailed/messaged/texted/visited/cooked meals for me&family/driven/babyminded/baked/hoovered/cleaned/even bathed me!!!thanksNic/held and emptied sick bowlseveryone/talkedtome-thankseveryone/keptmespritualandtherefore  sane thank you dad  I love my dad, and I have the best Husband-in-the-Universe.

2. Going to Learn this EFT Thing as it just might do the trick, and even if it can't cure me, if it can just control symptoms like nausea/urinary hesitancy/pain,and there's so many of people want to learn it to help me (?!) why on earth I wonder- this week has taught me just how blessed, lucky and loved I am!!!

3. I lied! Tis 3 But it's taken me 30 odd mins to write that last section - some pics tomorrow, shall be added!!!

Listen!  Night Night Everyone - as an exercise, if  you are really fed up with your life at the minute, ask yourself, if you were told you had to go away on a long journey, who would you miss, but also who would you miss?  Nothing else.  Just the relationships/he people.

17 comments:

liz fenwick said...

You are so right - it's just people who matter to me.

((()))s

You are in my thoughts everyday.

liz x

ChrisH said...

Lisa, you are one amazing woman to keep posting and communicating through all this. Thank you. Cx

Em C said...

Chris is right - you're inspirational. All our love from Edinburgh

Em C xxxxx

Calistro said...

Yep, you're right. I'd definitely miss people (and maybe animals), not things if I went away.

The fact you have so many wonderful people loving you, hugging you, looking after you and looking out for you just reinforces what a special person you are. x

Debs said...

You are right, people are the most important thing.

Thanks for the post.

Big love and hugs to you, and to hubby for helping with the post.

Leigh said...

How do you know it was like LSD? ;-)
Hugs, honey.
x

Tam said...

Hey, am having a little break from blogland but I can't keep away from your blog.

I think I'd miss my daughter and hubby and pets and nothing else.

Thinking of you :-)

Zinnia Cyclamen said...

Lisa, you are such a star. (Unlike Leigh, who stole my question!;-)) I love the way your sense of humour shines through this post, it's amazing that you can write about facing death and still make me laugh. So glad you're feeling some relief and contentment in amongst everything else. And yes - it's only the people I would miss. Sending lots of gentle hugs.

Lane said...

I'd miss family and friends. And my laptop because my friends live in there too:-)

You're wonderful for posting this. And thanks to your hubs for helping too.

((Lisa)) xx

clairesgarden said...

many blessings Lisa.

HelenMHunt said...

All the love and hugs in the world.

Annieye said...

I would miss my family and friends. Lisa - you are an amazing woman. My thoughts are with you and your family.
xxx

Cathy said...

(((Hugs)))

Cx

hesitant scribe said...

liz - more and more it's people, especially now, when I'm having to make the pain vs nausea/clarity call - i only wannabe clear to see people!!! only wanna stay to see people

chrish - i dooo blush!! what can i say?! I'm just weird

Em C- So lovely to hear from you all up there - am wondering if I'll ever get to see the clan again, but being realistic...

calistro -i AM THE LUCKIEST!!! and i soooo mean that, i do!!

debs - you are most welcome - thank you!

Leigh - now that would be telling!!!

tam - yes certainly

zinnia - now there's a good question from Leigh

lane- i know what you mean:)

claresg- ta clare x

helen- ditto x

annieye- thanks honey you are amazing too x

sheepish said...

I'm sorry but I didn't know how ill you have been until today. You and your family are in my thoughts.

Peach said...

Hey there, congratulations you won Post of the Week this week!

Please swing by and help us judge next week's shortlist if you fancy...

Anonymous said...

many blessings






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