It's stupid o' clock (again - oops! 6:30am, or something and I'm back in bed after wandering around the house in my knickers trying to find a pen soooo badly - as you do at 6 am ! Oh! And a banana, 1 piece of Green + Black's chocolate / milk (blue one of course). And something to write on !
Found Bramble and breathed a sigh of relief - what with all these nurses in and out all day ( well okay - it feels like that from the perspective of the sofa, so there ) .
Grabbed my copy of Auto/ Biographical Discourses : Theory. Criticism . Practice by Laura Marcus out the family bathroom on route back to bed, because what else do you do in my current position (?!) if not read ?!!!!
I wanted to think about, why write ? That old burning question, that has consumed my entire life. Why write ?
Why feel such a need to commit to paper these thoughts, these micro-flashes of electrical energy in a brain that now contains a tumorous mass which threatens to undermine whole heaps (now that scares me senseless ! ) of mental faculty, sending Lisa to the bin.
( So then I breathe really deep - and remind myself that The Universe has never let me down yet and never will , so it's okay. I'll get out everything I need to - we'll see, honest. Have faith. Cool calming, reassuring faith : it will be okay ).
Such a lot to say; please forgive me if I get sidetracked a bit !! )
Oh, yes ! So why write ?!
Is it like those women of old - wanting to preserve for posterity, a record of what my life was like for my girls - so they may be strong , and forceful , and strike a balance between their femininity ( they are both sooo beautiful ! ) and their strength (we all have quite a mannish side too I think ) , so they can see - This is perhaps the reason for ALL my writing ha ! ha ! - that in life, things happen, and we're all on a road going along, totally blind, and things happen and we think - Oh God ! This is so bad I cannot live with it/through it/past it/etc. It's the end of my road - or even just wanting it to be so, but stay on the road: keep putting one blistered foot in front of the other and every time, you'll see -that if you can care to keep looking , the road always opens out into the most beautiful little cul - de - sac, or glade, or even just an entirely new turning will appear offering comfort, shelter and joy you couldn't have even imagined previously. It's true. I know.
Even illnesses ( I believe even this now - we'll look back and laugh at it. That Hesitant Scribe one's a crap writer - only published her cos she was dying LMAO ! )
Biggest examples, I can think of just off the cuff:
1. Ex husband stabbed me. V.Bad.
2. Had tetanus jab: Direct outcome.
3. In Spain got self hung by arm on barbed wire fence - don't ask - suffice to say you're never too old to do stupid shit !
4. No medical , but didn't need a tetanus anyway thanks to No.2
5. Outcome: celebration and healthy wound recovery !
1. Didn't want to leave Spain - December 1996.
2. Had had such a bad time at school in Liverpool as screwed up transatlantic adoptee ( 1976 I came to the UK for the second time and got bullied in school until 1987). I had poor O' level/GCSE results so couldn't get a job, other than shop/bar work which as single parent in Spain with a 2 1/2 year old was no good at all !
3. So cut a long story short - went to UK again sobbing as if the world were over.
4. Back in the UK had to make the best of it so went back to 'night-school' and got A' levels.
4a. - met hubby. Awwww :-)
5. Went to uni, supported by hubby.
6. Rest is academic my dearies !
Okay, so it took work and tears but heck - just look at what's achievable in spite of what's in the way.
Miracles are all around - my life is testimony to that on every level.
How can you be happy and dying ?
I dunno -
1. By looking back and feeling so grateful - make a thanks list whilst still alive.
2. Still breathing ? Then you're still alive so try to be happy about it. Because the truth is you won't be alive forever.
3. Faith I'm safe . Alive or dead, no importance - I'm safe.
P.S. I think the best way to stay alive is to avoid all eye contact with health professionals !