Friday, 23 January 2009

Friday 23rd, January...

It's stupid o' clock  (again - oops! 6:30am, or something and I'm back in bed after wandering around the house in my knickers trying to find a pen soooo badly - as you do at 6 am !   Oh! And a banana, 1 piece of Green + Black's chocolate / milk (blue one of course).  And something to write on !

Found Bramble and breathed a sigh of relief - what with all these nurses in and out all day ( well okay - it feels like that from the perspective of the sofa, so there ) .

Grabbed my copy of Auto/ Biographical Discourses :  Theory. Criticism .  Practice by Laura Marcus out the family bathroom on route back to bed, because what else do you do in my current position (?!) if not read ?!!!!

I wanted to think about, why write ?  That old burning question, that has consumed my entire life.  Why write ?

Why ?

Why feel such a need to commit to paper these thoughts, these micro-flashes of electrical energy in a brain that now contains a tumorous mass which threatens to undermine whole heaps (now that scares me senseless ! )  of mental faculty, sending Lisa to the bin.

( So then I breathe really deep - and remind myself that  The Universe has never let me down yet and never will , so it's okay.  I'll get out everything I need to - we'll see, honest.  Have faith.  Cool calming, reassuring faith : it will be okay ).

Such a lot to say; please forgive me if  I get sidetracked a bit !! )

Oh, yes !  So why write ?!

Is it like those women of old - wanting to preserve for posterity, a record of what my life was like for my girls - so they may be strong , and forceful , and strike a balance between their femininity ( they are both sooo beautiful ! ) and their strength (we all have quite a mannish side too I think ) , so they can see - This is perhaps the reason for ALL my writing ha ! ha ! -  that in life, things happen, and we're all on a road going along, totally blind, and things happen and we think - Oh God !  This is so bad I cannot live with it/through it/past it/etc.  It's the end of my road - or even just wanting it to be so, but stay on the road: keep putting one blistered foot in front of the other and every time, you'll see -that if you can care to keep looking , the road always opens out into the most beautiful little cul - de - sac, or glade, or even just an entirely new turning  will appear offering comfort, shelter and joy you couldn't have even imagined previously.  It's true.  I know.

Even illnesses ( I believe even this now - we'll look back and  laugh at it.  That Hesitant Scribe one's a crap writer - only published her cos she was dying LMAO ! )

Biggest examples, I can think of just off the cuff:

1.  Ex husband stabbed me.  V.Bad.

2.  Had tetanus jab:  Direct outcome.

3.  In Spain got self hung by arm on barbed wire fence - don't ask -      suffice to say you're never too old to do stupid shit !

4.  No medical , but didn't need a tetanus anyway thanks to  No.2

5.  Outcome:  celebration and healthy wound recovery !

Example 2

1.  Didn't want to leave Spain - December 1996.

2.  Had had such a bad time at school in Liverpool as screwed up  transatlantic adoptee ( 1976 I came to the UK for the second time and got bullied in school until 1987).  I had poor O' level/GCSE results so couldn't get a job, other than shop/bar work which as single parent  in Spain with a 2 1/2 year old was no good at all !

3.   So cut a long story short - went to UK again sobbing as if  the world were over.

4.  Back in the UK had to make the best of it so went back to  'night-school'  and got A' levels. 

4a. - met hubby. Awwww :-)

5.  Went to uni, supported by hubby.

6.  Rest is academic my dearies !

Okay, so it took work and tears but heck - just look at what's achievable in spite of what's in the way.

Miracles are all around - my life is testimony to that on every level.

How can you be happy and dying ? 

I dunno -

1.  By looking back and feeling so grateful - make a thanks list whilst still alive.

2.  Still breathing ? Then you're still alive so try to be happy about it.  Because the truth is you won't be alive forever.

3.  Faith I'm safe .  Alive or dead, no importance - I'm safe.

P.S.  I think the best way to stay alive is to avoid all eye contact with health professionals !


Leigh said...

Ha ha ha! I'm sooo with you on the postscript. Particularly mental health professionals (put the hyphen where you like ;-)

ChrisH said...

Gosh, I thought I was first for a moment and panicked thinking that you'll be thinking, 'Oh no, cyberstalker! Just what I need!'. It's just that your writing is so full of vitality and you have so much to say that I'm gripped.

Zinnia Cyclamen said...

Yep, this blog is riveting, Lisa. I think you're so, so right, that whatever the universe throws at us, when we think 'I can't get through this, I can't find a way,' we simply have to keep going somehow and, yes, the way opens up. I've also always thought the best way to stay alive is to not die, you seem to be doing a pretty good job of that. Glad to hear about the banana and the choc as well, keep it up.

Leigh said...

Google Reader is the cyberstalker's friend...

Debs said...

You've lived so many experiences, and write about them so well.

Good for you with the banana and chocolate, very tasty morsels there.

Chilli said...

I am armed with dark glasses so you don't have to make eye contact with me whenever I visit !!! ;-) x

Tam said...

You know, I have life so easy compared to how it used to be but I've been pretty whiney and miserable lately. It's just as well I have you and this blog to set me straight :-)

And I'm glad you're keeping down the important stuff (chocolate). Sterling stuff!

Amanda said...

You are amazing Lisa, (you always have been!)

Pics on their way!
Lots of love

Lane said...

Hanging on barbed wire?? Ouch! But I love all the connections you make.
And I agree with Zinnia (don't we always:-) - your blog is riveting and not just because you're ill.

Glad to hear about the banana and choc. That's got to be better than wheat grass:-)

Annieye said...

This made me smile. It's so true that whatever life throws at us it has a habit of also throwing us a solution or a lifeline too. Fantastic that you've managed to eat a banana and chocolate and keep blogging and writing.

DOT said...

Laura Marcus, now she brings back happy memories of my not so distant days at Sussex Uni. Jane Marcus, who I am sure is related, was one of my lecturers.

On your Journey Through Life novella you missed out acquiring wisdom, which is very evident in your writing - wisdom being very different from knowledge, as you will appreciate, being a form of distilled understanding of how to meet life's vicissitudes. xx

harriet said...

Another lovely post. Much love.

maresy said...

I hope you get out to the horses this weekend, and have some more yummy morsels, bananas and chocolate, sounds like a treat from Dairy Queen, mmmmmmmmmmmmm :)

HelenMHunt said...

Your faith in the Universe is inspiring. And your postscript really made me smile - you are so right.