Friday 23rd, January...

It's stupid o' clock  (again - oops! 6:30am, or something and I'm back in bed after wandering around the house in my knickers trying to find a pen soooo badly - as you do at 6 am !   Oh! And a banana, 1 piece of Green + Black's chocolate / milk (blue one of course).  And something to write on !

Found Bramble and breathed a sigh of relief - what with all these nurses in and out all day ( well okay - it feels like that from the perspective of the sofa, so there ) .

Grabbed my copy of Auto/ Biographical Discourses :  Theory. Criticism .  Practice by Laura Marcus out the family bathroom on route back to bed, because what else do you do in my current position (?!) if not read ?!!!!

I wanted to think about, why write ?  That old burning question, that has consumed my entire life.  Why write ?

Why ?

Why feel such a need to commit to paper these thoughts, these micro-flashes of electrical energy in a brain that now contains a tumorous mass which threatens to undermine whole heaps (now that scares me senseless ! )  of mental faculty, sending Lisa to the bin.

( So then I breathe really deep - and remind myself that  The Universe has never let me down yet and never will , so it's okay.  I'll get out everything I need to - we'll see, honest.  Have faith.  Cool calming, reassuring faith : it will be okay ).

Such a lot to say; please forgive me if  I get sidetracked a bit !! )

Oh, yes !  So why write ?!

Is it like those women of old - wanting to preserve for posterity, a record of what my life was like for my girls - so they may be strong , and forceful , and strike a balance between their femininity ( they are both sooo beautiful ! ) and their strength (we all have quite a mannish side too I think ) , so they can see - This is perhaps the reason for ALL my writing ha ! ha ! -  that in life, things happen, and we're all on a road going along, totally blind, and things happen and we think - Oh God !  This is so bad I cannot live with it/through it/past it/etc.  It's the end of my road - or even just wanting it to be so, but stay on the road: keep putting one blistered foot in front of the other and every time, you'll see -that if you can care to keep looking , the road always opens out into the most beautiful little cul - de - sac, or glade, or even just an entirely new turning  will appear offering comfort, shelter and joy you couldn't have even imagined previously.  It's true.  I know.

Even illnesses ( I believe even this now - we'll look back and  laugh at it.  That Hesitant Scribe one's a crap writer - only published her cos she was dying LMAO ! )

Biggest examples, I can think of just off the cuff:

1.  Ex husband stabbed me.  V.Bad.

2.  Had tetanus jab:  Direct outcome.

3.  In Spain got self hung by arm on barbed wire fence - don't ask -      suffice to say you're never too old to do stupid shit !

4.  No medical , but didn't need a tetanus anyway thanks to  No.2

5.  Outcome:  celebration and healthy wound recovery !

Example 2

1.  Didn't want to leave Spain - December 1996.

2.  Had had such a bad time at school in Liverpool as screwed up  transatlantic adoptee ( 1976 I came to the UK for the second time and got bullied in school until 1987).  I had poor O' level/GCSE results so couldn't get a job, other than shop/bar work which as single parent  in Spain with a 2 1/2 year old was no good at all !

3.   So cut a long story short - went to UK again sobbing as if  the world were over.

4.  Back in the UK had to make the best of it so went back to  'night-school'  and got A' levels. 

4a. - met hubby. Awwww :-)

5.  Went to uni, supported by hubby.

6.  Rest is academic my dearies !

Okay, so it took work and tears but heck - just look at what's achievable in spite of what's in the way.

Miracles are all around - my life is testimony to that on every level.

How can you be happy and dying ? 

I dunno -

1.  By looking back and feeling so grateful - make a thanks list whilst still alive.

2.  Still breathing ? Then you're still alive so try to be happy about it.  Because the truth is you won't be alive forever.

3.  Faith I'm safe .  Alive or dead, no importance - I'm safe.

P.S.  I think the best way to stay alive is to avoid all eye contact with health professionals !