Tuesday, 13 January 2009

Oh Dear! It wasn't good news...

...So, worst case scenario - i.e. no more treatment and let it take its course and this cancer which is now in my \R\ frontal lobe, pancreas, liver (x2), lung and lymph node, will see me off inside months rather than years. And aside from crying I don't know what else to say to you. I'd better get writing quick smart if I'm gonna finish my novel, and am still praying that the oncologist has something more encouraging to say tomorrow... we'll see eh. Obviously the Tarceva hasn't done a thing so far!!!

I'd love to be more philosophical but it's so hard to even think straight when being told shit like this, even to not cry when the kids have just come home from school, but I don't know how too. I pray for strength and smiles to keep me going as long as possible. I've never wanted to be alive so much in all my life.

21 comments:

ChrisH said...

God, Lisa. I'm crying for you. I truly don't know what to write, just that I've read this and I wish so dearly that the news was different. If my thoughts and hopes are any good to you, you've got to them. With love, Chris

Lazy Perfectionista said...

Oh HS, I'm so sorry. I wish there was something I could say or do that would help. I'm hoping as hard as I can that you get more positive news next time.

Big e-hug

xx

L-Plate Author said...

Oh Lisa. They say writers are never stuck for words but I don't know what to say either. Except that you are in my thoughts and I will be praying for the best case scenario tomorrow

Mel xxx

Caroline said...

My response is to cry. Bloody useless I am! You're in my thoughts and I am hoping tomorrow brings a glimmer of good stuff. x

Debs said...

I have to admit, I'm crying too. So sorry to hear your utterly crap news.

You're in my thoughts and prayers and crossing everything that you'll have some good news tomorrow. x

Lane said...

Lisa, I'm so sorry. I'm praying to anyone who will listen and truly hoping that the oncologist will have some better news.
Hugs and love x

hesitant scribe said...

I'm soooooo sorry to make people cry - I don't want that - I've finally stopped now, and am thinking how to be positive - of what the oncologist might say tomorrow xxx

Zinnia Cyclamen said...

Well I'm not crying if that's any help! (hard as nails, me) And I'm not surprised it's hard for you to think straight, it's a hell of a lot to take in. I hope the oncologist has some useful suggestions to make. Draw on all your support now and remember you ARE alive, this is life you're living, one of the shit bits for sure but hey, that's life!

ChrisH said...

Coo! Isn't Zinnia full of wisdomosity?

Debs said...

Hear, hear for Zinnia.

Sarah*G* said...

I am so sorry that you have been told this. I have no idea what you are going through or how you are feeling but know that we are all sending you positive and good health vibes, *hugs*

Em C said...

We're all thinking of you and sending our all our love. You've been so strong; remember we'll all be there for you.

Em, Andy and Donald xxx

Jon M said...

Thoughts and Prayers, Lisa. Thinking of you.

Denise said...

Really hope you get some better news tomorrow. I've sent you an email, from Denise Watson in case it gets swept up as spam or something.

JJ said...

No, that's definitely not good news; I'm so sorry. Are you fit enough to go and look at horses? Much love to you all.

Caroline said...

I don't know what to say, but I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and your family. *hugs*

liz fenwick said...

Lisa, I too don't know what to say but Zinnia's words were perfect. You are in my thoughts and prayers and have been daily. Hold onto all the love and run with it.
love,
lizx

Tam said...

I want to say I'm sorry to hear this news (and of course I am, desperately) but it's such a tiny word and means so very little.

I hope the oncologist has some useful suggestions to make.

x x x

Leigh said...

Lisa, I sooo wish I could come and give you a huge hug. I wish I could help in some way other than mild ramblings over the ether. I wish all sorts of things. But one thing, love, is that I am going to keep determinedly hoping (or praying, if you prefer to call it that) for you. Things really do turn up.
xxx

Lucy Diamond said...

Oh God, I'm so sorry to hear this. Thinking about you and your family, and hoping you have lots of supportive people around you now. xxx

Lorna F said...

Lisa, I've been reading your blog for a while without commenting because every time I thought of doing so whatever I wanted to say sounded trite and banal. Each time I've read it there have been two results: firstly, I go back to my life with a greater appreciation of it and I vow never to complain pettily about - well, anything really. But then of course, I do. Like most of us, I don't see the wood for the trees, even though I have experienced serious loss myself. I remember when I was a child sometimes I would be possessed with the wonder of just being alive and would try to concentrate on my breathing, in, out, in, out - but within minutes would lose that focus because it is actually pretty hard to focus on just being alive - and what comes through in your blog is that in spite of all the physical suffering you're enduring, you love and celebrate life.
The second result of reading your blog is that I come away so full of admiration for your strength, resolve and wit, given what you are going through. I would say God bless you, if I believed in God. Well, shit, I'll say it anyway - God(goodness, spirit, positivity) bless you - we are all of us thinking of you and sending you love. x