Tuesday, 20 January 2009

Day 1.......

Only a couple of weeks ago

...Of what I don't know but other people are now having to do all the typing for me (husband keeps cracking jokes whilst I try to dictate) so the atmosphere here is pretty high, Ha Ha! I had wanted to go to the riding school today but don't think I'm going to make it now even though the sky is a beautiful blue outside. Feel too dizzy and sick to contemplate moving full stop. Fuck knows how I'll get this book written or which poor soul will end up typing it out but it's looking quite plain that it's not going to be me (or Fay lol)

Last night the district nurses had to come out at 2.30am to put a fluids drip up- I'm starting to look like a prune. Trouble is my stomach doesn't seem to agree with my plans to stay alive. I keep telling it we need some nutrition but cancer seems to have made it deaf as well as anorexic. So the question is do I... a) eat and hurl or b) give it a miss and fade away?

Just let the cat out and the garden smells delicious. There's lots of whispers in the kitchen (lots of talk of pain verses quality of life) I am reminded of John Diamond's last column in the Times and thinking a) the Bastard and b) perhaps I should have got to this stage of acceptance a few months ago.... but then the blog wouldn't have been the same would it? And besides, it's giving me something to keep me going even now, and if I do survive- long shot- I'll have a lot of thanking to do hee hee. Someone suggested getting this blog published posthumously but I don't know what purpose that would serve other than feeding one sycophantic writer's desires to get in print even if dead!

If there are any poor souls out there reading this just after their own diagnoses I would like to say keep positive BUT do bear in mind that if it goes tits up, you may realise that you have left yourself with too little time. And that is crap, especially as I now want to blog /chat more that tell stories, but I've got to do other things like

1. Do a memory box withe the children

2. Get all bank details sorted out

3. Stay alive as long as possible

4. Still do positive thinking ie. some fortunate bastards have actually made it back from here!

Yesterday was pretty scary and I was relieved to have woken up this morning but yesterday, while the fluids and nutrition came in and went out again, I watched a video of my eldest daughter with her- one that she had never seen before- of her and her birth father. It was very moving for my hubby too as he hadn't seen them either. I haven't told you about this but I had to leave my demonic first husband after he tried to stab me and her (then two and a half) to death in my friend's kitchen. Another novel there! Lots of good memories and hopefully humorous ones at that. Luckily now she is sixteen she is legally safe from the Algerian Twat so I can tell you this without worrying too much that he'll ever see this and try to make contact. I, back in 1995 chose to flee the country leading to building a new life in Spain- not to mention- coming to grips with my own identity again after five years of mental and physical abuse.

It actually all worked out really well and the people of Fuengirola did indeed rebuild me; Installed me with a new language chip;


Not looking so great this morning!

New menu; New outlook; New hope. Actually they gave me the confidence to be able to return to the UK, almost bilingual and do a whole host of exams and thingies (bugger the PHD) I can get my head around the rest of the novel but the thesis- that might be asking too much. Excuse me while I throw up again. Going to leave it here for now, I am conscious that I'm being really selfish sitting here dictating this while all people have come to do is drink tea and eat my jam tarts ha ha.


Leigh said...

And a) eat and hurl, definitely.
Fading's not your style.

Debs said...

So glad you and your eldest daughter escaped from the AT. x

ChrisH said...

Keep going - especially with 3 & 4! Here's hoping your essential nutrients stay where they're supposed to, although it sounds as if you might have a fight on your hands keeping everyone off the jam tarts, Cx

Zinnia Cyclamen said...

I may be missing something but I can't see any difference between those two photos. You look your same beautiful self in both of them.

liz fenwick said...

You make me laugh when I want to cry. Hearing your earlier troubles tells me how strong you have been for a long time.

Sending love and hugs.


JJ said...

I bet they're happy to work in exchange for some jam tarts!

Sorry you didn't get to the horses this time, but I love the idea of a gorgeous smelling garden.

Lane said...

I was re-reading a story you sent me a while back which I think was the beginning of your novel. It's fantastic so I really hope you can keep something down you and have the strength to dictate more.

Beautiful photo. Thumbs up back atchya:-)

L-Plate Author said...

You made me smile too, even though that picture was a shock. It is so different from when I met you in Manchester in April, only nine months ago.

I too love how you can be so humourous at this sad time. That just shows how much of a gutsy bird you are. Long may it continue.

PS Your life with the alberian twat sounds like a character in my book! I'm so glad you both got away. xxx

Denise said...

Keep trying with the eating, your stomach might get bored of throwing up and just accept it! Milkshakes like "build up" that are absorbed quickly? Really hope you're having a better evening and the dizzy gremlins are leaving you be.

Mistlethrush said...

What an eventful life you've had - you're definitely a survivor.

Amanda said...

Your work is touching, poinient and funny all roled into one. Publishing this blog would, if you don't mind me saying, be a service to man/woman kind! So I look forward to reading it, and your other works, in a series of books....

lots of love


Annieye said...

When my mum was where you are now she asked if she could have a party for her family and closest friends. She asked me to tell everyone that she didn't want people to be miserable around her, because she wanted to enjoy the time she had left. The hospice let us use the day room. It wasn't a sad occasion - quite the contrary - and the next three weeks were very precious to me with lots of happy memories, despite the despair we (but not mum) felt.

I still keep in touch with two other families whose relatives were in the hospice at the same time as mum, because she made friends with Ivy who was in the next room and Ron, who was across the corridor. We were all in the dayroom one afternoon and mum, Ivy and Ron exchanged hugely inappropriate jokes from their wheelchairs and made us all laugh until our sides hurt.

I think what I am trying to say, Lisa, is that your blog post today reminded me very much of that precious time we spent with mum. You are such an amazing person and the memories you are creating for your family and friends, right now, will outshine anything a memory box could contain.

So carry on with the tea and jam tarts and at the same time always keep the hope alive. Like you say, miracles can and do happen and people have made it from here.

Always thinking of you Lisa. I've done a little post about my mum if you feel like popping over to my blog.

Zinnia Cyclamen said...

Aha, NOW I get it. Well, you did say a while back that you wanted to lose weight... ahem.

Chilli said...

Lisa...the jam tarts were yummy thanks ;-) And we don't just come to drink tea...we come because we love you and want to see you and we don't care if you want to spend that time doing your blog or anything else...we all just want to help out cos we care very much..
Hope to see you in a short while...if you're up for visits again today :-)
N xxx

Jon M said...

mmmmmmmmmmmmm jam tarts.........

Tam said...

Now if you'd had French Fancies I might have popped round ;-) Consider yourself lucky!

As others have said, you're such a survivor. I hope with all my heart you survive this too.

hesitant scribe said...

Please don't be offended but too knackered to comment back now but please keep 'em coming because I AM READING THEM!!!!

and they help me.

lots :)

sexy said...