Tuesday, 13 May 2008

One for the blog...

Yesterday I pulled off an absolute cracker.

I had my RT. Bro-in-law ferried me. I did not throw up in the car - neither there, nor back - and we arrived home safely.

We sat in the garden in the sunshine, and I was just reclining on a garden lounger, sipping away at my orange squash - I think I was commenting on how well the drive went, and how the RT itself was painless and quick...

And then without any warning whatsoever, I did it; 5 bodily functions (and major ones, the kind you normally do one at a time, and even then if it can't be avoided) happened all at once!

G did a kind of slo-motion gasping in shock whilst leaping (slo-mo) to his feet. Meanwhile, all the time this watery gunge is emerging violently from any orifice it can breach.

I sneezed, coughed, farted, pee-ed and vomited. An ensemble to die (of shame) for. :)

So I'm sitting there, covered in puke - down my cleavage (damn that summer top), all in my lap, on the floor. I stood up and stripped down to my vomit soaked undies, a pile of sticky clothing on the patio in a pool of more goo. I thought, "Oh shit, where's my brother-in-law gone? I am now semi-naked in the garden!"

G appeared in the doorway looking helpless - you know the one; mouth wide open, hands outstretched, palms heavenward. He fetched a towel - no doubt he couldn't stand looking at my sexy body any longer!!!

Poor thing was still retching as I showered and changed. I could hear the hose-pipe slooshing it away to his guttural cries!

Beat that!

Today I've been once already for an 8.30 am slot, and now, due to the merits of bank hols and RT planning, I've to go back again for a 5 pm slot! Fab. That's about 5 or 6 hours in the car for someone who gets travel sick, not to mention two lots of tunnel toll fees to pay.

But I haven't thrown up today so far. I've reduced my oxycodone to the previous dose, and while I might have a bit of pain, I'm not throwing up.

A balance may have just been reached.

*I Effing well hope so any way!


Anonymous said...

For some reason this made me think of Captain Picard of the Starship Enterprise, when he gave the command: "Fire all weapons!"

Poor you. Still, at least you had a laugh about it and a funny story.

Denise said...

Put it in a story! It's certainly a striking image and you deserve to have a bit of fun with it.

On the plus side you might never be embarassed again. All the little things that people stress over will be nothing to you and you'll sail through with super confidence!

I do think you should beat the doctors around the head for some help though.

Calistro said...

Ooooh Nooooo! Still, at least you were at home at with relatives and no in front of polite company AND at least you didn't poo yourself (which is what I assumed when you said 5 bodily functions). You gotta look on the bright side I guess (or cry!)

Anonymous said...

oh, poor you!! Only you can make a desperate situation sound funny, I feel bad laughing but you write in such a way I have such a perfect visual!! Well I suppose now nothing worse could possibly happen. And you thought you would have no shame after childbirth! Thanks for sharing.. I hope he recovers, I sure you both will get over this new bonding method.
love Marion

Fiona said...

At least it wasn't projectile!

I don't remember this happening to my mum when she had all her RT - and she had loads in '72 and '95 - so fingers crossed it was a one off.

Zinnia Cyclamen said...

I was just about to have my tea. I think maybe I'll wait a while... LOL to Calistro's comment! Glad about the oxycodone balancing act, that sounds like an improvement.

Lane said...

Oh berluddy hell - you poor thing.
I was busily trying to add up 5 bodily functions too and got stuck at three:-)

I really hope this was an isolated incident and the meds start doing their job. x

JJ said...

Oooh, where's my comment gone ... It's disappeared into cyberspace. I left one after Capt Black...

Anyhooo, I do hope you're less productive on the orifice front now. And I'm sorry to laugh, but it was written most amusingly. I have a strong visual.