...tienes que empezar al fondo.
It's a funny old thing, life (or perhaps it's more 'sentience' than life itself). No matter how close to the bottom you think you are, there always seems to be just a little more descent left to fall down.
I thought I'd reached the bottom and was on my way back up again, but then I went to see the doc. And she was acting very strangely.
I was full of beans this morning, going on about how much better I feel, and all the improvements etc., and yet she had that look on her face - a mixture of pity and sorrow. It was the expression of one who knows something you do not, and who wishes they did not know.
So I said, "Go on. What is it?" and she said, "When do you see Dr. E (the oncologist)?" I said not for another two weeks, why? Her face began to crumble under the weight of her knowledge. She shook her head and wrung her hands a bit more, which, to be honest, was a tad disconcerting. I've never seen her look even remotely phased before.
Then I saw pictures on her pc of a scan, and I knew it was mine. "What have you found?" I asked. She doesn't want to tell me. She's looking at me like so many doctors must have looked at so many patients before. I'm waiting for the "I'm so sorry but..." line.
Okay. Deep breath. Do not freak out. Bad news is a-comin' but I can take it. Bring it on...
There's two more shadows turned up, 17mm in size, only in the liver this time. The good news is that it'll be the same cells as in the lung - non-small cell, slow growing. She said cancer doesn't spread like a train, moving from point A to point B over time, but rather like a star-burst, it radiates throughout the entire body from the start, and then lies dormant, or grows, or whatever it does, over time. At least that's how I understand it - I could be confused/mistaken but will let you know as I find out!
She said it was also good news that I was feeling so well in myself, because if these two newbies were very active, I'd be feeling really crap and unable to do anything. They probably won't cut it out, but treat it with chemo - say may yet end up bald. And it explains the pains I'm having in my abdomen too.
My head is trying its best to remain positive - to keep focused on all the people who have beaten their cancers and other life-threatening illnesses even when the prognosis (and indeed the disease) was far worse than mine. So I need to stay positive. After all, I've worked so hard these last two weeks to turn my head around, to stop with the sliding into acceptance that it was gonna be game over. I may have lost a match but the game is most definitely NOT over!
As I said in the very beginning of this post;
If you want to reach the top, you have to start at the bottom - I just hope this really is the bottom at last!