Friday, 19 September 2008

Si quieres llegar a la cima...

...tienes que empezar al fondo.


It's a funny old thing, life (or perhaps it's more 'sentience' than life itself).  No matter how close to the bottom you think you are, there always seems to be just a little more descent left to fall down.

I thought I'd reached the bottom and was on my way back up again, but then I went to see the doc.  And she was acting very strangely. 

I was full of beans this morning, going on about how much better I feel, and all the improvements etc., and yet she had that look on her face - a mixture of pity and sorrow.  It was the expression of one who knows something you do not, and who wishes they did not know.

So I said, "Go on.  What is it?" and she said, "When do you see Dr. E (the oncologist)?"  I said not for another two weeks, why?  Her face began to crumble under the weight of her knowledge.  She shook her head and wrung her hands a bit more, which, to be honest, was a tad disconcerting.  I've never seen her look even remotely phased before. 

Then I saw pictures on her pc of a scan, and I knew it was mine.  "What have you found?" I asked.  She doesn't want to tell me.  She's looking at me like so many doctors must have looked at so many patients before.  I'm waiting for the "I'm so sorry but..." line.

Okay.  Deep breath.  Do not freak out.  Bad news is a-comin' but I can take it.  Bring it on...

There's two more shadows turned up, 17mm in size, only in the liver this time.  The good news is that it'll be the same cells as in the lung - non-small cell, slow growing.  She said cancer doesn't spread like a train, moving from point A to point B over time, but rather like a star-burst, it radiates throughout the entire body from the start, and then lies dormant, or grows, or whatever it does, over time.  At least that's how I understand it - I could be confused/mistaken but will let you know as I find out!

She said it was also good news that I was feeling so well in myself, because if these two newbies were very active, I'd be feeling really crap and unable to do anything.  They probably won't cut it out, but treat it with chemo - say may yet end up bald.  And it explains the pains I'm having in my abdomen too.

My head is trying its best to remain positive - to keep focused on all the people who have beaten their cancers and other life-threatening illnesses even when the prognosis (and indeed the disease) was far worse than mine.  So I need to stay positive.  After all, I've worked so hard these last two weeks to turn my head around, to stop with the sliding into acceptance that it was gonna be game over.  I may have lost a match but the game is most definitely NOT over!

As I said in the very beginning of this post;

If you want to reach the top, you have to start at the bottom - I just hope this really is the bottom at last!


Calistro said...

Oh Lisa, how disappointing but you are right to stay positive and hang onto that good frame of mind. You got through chemotherapy once and you can do it again. Stay strong girl and scrabble your way back to the top. The support of friends and family are little hand and foot holds buried into the wall for you to grab onto as you climb x

Zinnia Cyclamen said...

You haven't even lost a match. Your opponent has scored, that's all. But you're still ahead. Hold on to every drop of the positivity you've squeezed out of the universe in the last couple of weeks: it's yours, you deserve it, it'll help you. And keep squeezing, there's much more in there yet.

JJ said...

Oh bugger, I am sorry to hear that. I'm sure your frame of mind is crucial in all of this and I'm pleased that you seem to be staying positive.
Take care, stay strong. xx

Caroline said...

Stay positive as much as you can but don't let that zap all your emotional energy.
Focus on the future and be ready to fight. Thinking about you x

Jon M said...

Thinking, thinking, thinking of you Lisa. Stay poz!!!

Lane said...

Crap. And double crap.

Sending every positive vibe I have your way.
Keep on being strong. xxx

liz fenwick said...

Hold tight. You are doing well. Don't let go. You will do this. Sending huge vibes your way.


SpiralSkies said...

Oh, I could hardly read on. You are so strong and fab to be so resilient.

You can beat this. You can. Nothing can beat how strong you are.

Smiling here, knowing those horses are waiting for you.

Captain Black said...

As Zinnia says, it's merely love-fifteen. You can still win the game, set and match, and your positive outlook will definitely help with that.

What's wrong with being bald, anyway?

hesitant scribe said...

calistro - thank you for such a wonderful image - you can include all the lovely comments i get from you all here too as more holds for me to grab onto!
zinnia - as ever, you bring me wise words. You're right - i am still ahead. Thank you for reminding me - i will keep 'squeezing' :)
jj - i do believe that healing is possible, and that it is the state of mind that counts, although sometimes i need reminding! I'll keep focused.
caroline - i will, thank you. i'm feeling great today - all these comments and well wishing thoughts have helped enormously.
jon m - will do!!!
lane - thanks for the vibes - i shall reach out and catch them as they float in towards me through the ether :)
liz - i won't let go. I promise.
spiralskies - i'm no different to anyone else - we all have the potential to do this with the right support, and I am blessed that so many of you are supporting me - every comment/email/phone call/visit/etc., all help me to remain positive and focused. (Just not the docs and the medical profession, ha ha!)
capt - absolutely! Bald is fine. I shall wear hats as necessary to keep my head warm!

And finally - thank you to everyone who emailed and/or phoned - you know who you are!

L-Plate Author said...

Oh Lisa, try your best to stay positive honey. You've done so well so far, this is only one little step back in a long journey but you are still on the right path.

Thinking of you x