I haven't blogged much this past week - I needed to distance myself enough from all the fear and sadness I've been experiencing in order to be able to write about it.
It's been a tough week or so, since I got that unexpected/unforeseen scan update. I've been through every emotion under the sun, from absolute terror, to total devastation, and then back to positive and strong, and back again. The interesting thing about all this for me, has been the role my mind has played.
The mind really is like the naughty child the Buddhists say it is! It seems to wait for a quiet moment and then start to wiggle its way in with negative thoughts. I've had to really keep an eye on my thoughts, and be ready to counter the negative ones the moment they arrive. So far it's been working and I've only had two occasions when I've had to phone my dad and get him to come and talk to me (as negative thoughts take hold and spiral out of control.)
On the plus side, I feel supported and loved by so many people, and really don't know what I ever did to deserve it! They had a collection at work for me, to help with the costs of Bowen Therapy - which is really helping me so much, emotionally and physically. I cried (in a good way!) when Babs came over and told me. Thank you so much, all of you in the English Department at Edge Hill - you have no idea how much your gift means to me.
I'm starting to see myself healthy and strong again, healthier than I've ever been before perhaps. I am trying to visualise that - to really reach out and touch it as though it's real, and then maybe it will become real. My rational, academic mind tries to but in often with thoughts of, "you're just kidding yourself - clutching at straws, love," but I've seen how negative thoughts perpetuate and aggravate situations in my own life, and that of others. If it works negatively, it stands to reason that thinking positively also must attract more of the same too!
Also, the whole approach to food as medicine has given me lots to think about too. I feel as though I'm actually taking control back of the situation. Since the new regime I've been going to the loo normally for 5 days now without any laxatives at all! I feel more energetic than I have in a year. And that's only after 5 days (of small changes too - I haven't even started on the full on program yet! Just cut out meat, dairy, processed foods etc, and started drinking more water, herbal/fruit teas, eating sprouted beans, brown rice, seeds and dried fruit, and a whole host of stuff I've never heard of before is waiting in the kitchen to be prepared!!! My taste buds are upset and beg for chocolate and tea with milk and sugar! I watched the family sit down last night to fresh lamb steaks, while I munched away on raw sprouted beans, lightly fried stir fry veg (2 mins in olive oil), short grain brown rice, and a sauce made of butternut squash, red onion and red pepper. Hmm. But I will get used to it, and my body seems to love it. For breakfast this morning I had 100ml of wheat-grass juice with algae in it (not as bad as it sounds!), seeds, nuts, dried fruit and a half cheat with 2 pieces of whole-grain seeded brown bread toasted. The diet is called The Ph Miracle and is so complicated, but I'm getting there!
Today is a lovely day. The rain is pouring and the wind is shaking the trees outside, and I am warm and safe in my living room, talking to whoever reads this, and hoping that the message gets through - that no matter how bad things are, it is possible to scrape yourself up off the floor and be happy again, and it doesn't matter if you collapse now and again, if the wicked thoughts take over, as long as you nip them in the bud or have someone who can help you when they've taken hold!
Doc tomorrow. No idea what he will say, but I've booked Bowen the day after, and horse riding, to help me get through it, whatever he says.