on and on we go...

I don't know what happened yesterday but I completely lost the plot for a while. Quite a while.

And I'd been doing sooo well! Humph!

Today I'm feeling better. And then the satellite dish stopped working, and I thought now that really is taking the piss. A tumour and no telly.

Fear really is a terrible thing. Worse than the pain... well okay, but it's a fine line. The team have reviewed my case - no biopsy results as yet - they want a PET scan doing in a week or so... what does that mean? They said it was to make sure it was localised but now I'm terrified of what else may be lurking. On the plus side I get to be radio-active for a while.

*Deep breath*

Apologies to those people I keep ringing just for a chat... "Please keep telling me I am going to get through this..." Everyone says just tell me if there's anything you need.... and what I need is a constant stream of people telling me that I am going to live through this. And ride horses again, and maybe even own one, one day. That I will go to Spain a dozen more times, and see all the places I never saw in the world. Big world out there.

*Crap. BREATH!*

I started reading the Roy Castle Foundation site yesterday and it freaked me right out. Not doing that again!

Haven't written any of my novel but did hear a fascinating article in Excess Baggage on Radio 4, about Dervla Murphy. She writes travel books and said she started off trying to write novels but found she was a much better travel writer. My PhD supervisor said my novel was reading more like a travel book, so maybe it's a good thing. I don't know. Keep at it and see what happens I suppose. At least I've actually done a bit of research - hurrah.

And now what? Sit around and wait for the PET scan thing. My friend said I'd be getting my own barcode the number of scans I've had! Part of me worries that I really am in a bad way if they're ordering all these tests, and then a faint glimmer hope thinks maybe it's because I'm only 38 and they'd rather I didn't die so they're being really thorough...

Positive bloody thinking is so hard at times. I try. Really. And I haven't cried today which is something I guess. Besides, my eyes can't take any more after yesterday!

I've been through some shit in my life, I tell you, but this really takes the biscuit! Nic mentioned a book about a cancer surivivor who went on to win the Tour de France so going to read that. Focusing on the good stories.

Listening to Gypsy Kings, "El Camino, mi camino, el camino del verano, porque soy un vagabundo, yo me voy por este mundo..."