Sunday, 9 March 2008

I'm on the sofa. I've been here since what feels like forever - been a long a couple of days. The drugs to combat nausea have caused all manner of symptoms from constipation to a fatigue that would floor an elephant. Actually i feel like an elephant is sitting on my head (and chest, and torso...).

Also, been very depressed. I keep crying all the time. I just don't want to die. I know we all die, but I don't want to die any time soon, you know. The pain is so hard to deal with too, and I haven't slept in a week, despite being totally wiped out. Last night I spent the night being chased by vampires while in a cold sweat - too much! I've decided to come off all the pills and see if my body has a better chance of recovering...

I've also decided that I need to take more charge of my own healing. The docs reviewed 16 cases in an hour last week, and mine was just one of them, so guess what... no news. Frankly it just isn't good enough. i feel very let down. I haven't seen a doc since jan and they're filling me with all this poison... I want some answers and as soon as i can get off this sofa, I'm going to demand some!

9 comments:

Cal said...

Oh Lisa that's so horrible. I can't BELIEVE you haven't seen a doctor since January. I thought you'd be monitored the whole time during your treatment to check it was working. So when DO you get to see a doctor and hear what's happening/what happens next?

I'm so sorry you're feeling so low and I don't blame you. Feeling physically awful is bound to wipe you out emotionally aswell. But it's okay to cry and it's okay to feel scared. You WILL come through this. You'll have good days again, you'll have optimistic days again. You'll have horsey riding days again. But, for now, just look after yourself xx

KAREN said...

You poor thing. Being treated as someone merely 'in the system' can't help. You deserve answers and I hope you get them, and that you start to feel stronger soon.

It's too simplistic, I know, but are there any alternative remedies that might help with the nausea? Is is worth seeing a practioner?

Zinnia Cyclamen said...

That's just awful; you poor, poor thing. You're right that you need answers from a doctor. If you have difficulties getting access to one, contact your hospital's PALS service; they should be able to act as an intermediary. What's happening with the acupuncture?

JJ said...

Honey, I'm so sorry you feel crap and depressed.

Can you enlist the help of your husband to stir things up a bit at the hospital? Not to be difficult, but to push a bit? You/your husband need to talk to a doctor and won't be fobbed off? If you're easily fobbed off they will be relieved. Stay polite, but insist...

You've done so bloody well fighting and staying positive, this is just a blip and you'll get back there. Each course has a cumulative effect and you would expect to feel crappier the further along the treatment you go.

Do you have plenty of reading material? Are you reading nice crappy, easy to read stuff? Don't try too hard right now, just do it to enjoy it.

Much much love
JJx

Anonymous said...

You're NOY going to die, hear me? Not, not, NOT. Very sorry to hear you are feeling so awful though - please look after yourself. I know you don't 'do' God, but I'll be praying for you too.
With love xx

Lane said...

Really sorry that you're feeling so bad. I hope this is as low as it gets. Being horribly depressed is understandable and natural but I know you've got the strength to get through this, even if you don't feel it on your darkest days.

Sending love, optimism and horsey visions.
xx

NoviceNovelist said...

Hope your spirits are a bit higher today. I've just been through 4 months of cancer treatment with my dad - and you - or someone on your behalf needs to be pushy with Doctors. I know it's exhausting and you just need to be looked after so maybe get someone else to be bolshie for you. Hang in there - I know good wishes can't fix it but I'm sending you some anyway.

L-Plate Author said...

Can't begin to think what you are going through but my thoughts are with you Lisa xx

hesitant scribe said...

Thanks everyone. I cried when I read all your comments - but in a good way. A kind of 'well you know it's crap but people care so I can do this' way.

zinnia - the oncologist said I couldn't have acupuncture but told me through an intermediary and wouldn't give a reason, so tomorrow we shall demand some answers again...