Thursday, 6 March 2008

Wot No Miracle Healing Yet?!!

Sorry folks, but totally fed up today. It's just such a long haul, this cancer business.

Today's miserable state is probably due to a culmination of many little things; like not getting a full night's sleep, being constipated from too much codeine last week and having tummy ache, being full of toxic chemo chemicals, being inoperable still or facing surgery, facing radiotherapy after having met people in hospital with the most horrendous side-effects, feeling so dog-tired I wouldn't have thought it possible... the list continues.

I JUST WANT MY LIFE BACK!

I was also hoping for a miracle shrinkage to have occurred, only it doesn't seem to have happened, does it? I mean they can't even see a difference until it gets measured properly. But on the bright side, if the chemo can only kill cells that are multiplying, and the cells are only multiplying really slowly, then there isn't going to be a massive difference after only two cycles is there? And at least it isn't bigger. Or anywhere else, for that matter.

So I'm thinking, okay... today I can be down and miserable, and tomorrow it's a pick myself back up time, and stay positive. I so wanted to ride today, or just get out of the house even... what am I saying?! I just wanted to get off the bloody sofa for more than half an hour!!!

BUT - I will get through this.

It's just so bloody hard at times, but then what did I expect? (Wasn't I like this at the same time last cycle? Maybe the first week is depressed week or something!)

My dad brought me a book called Love, Medicine & Miracles, by Bernie S. Siegal, so am going to read that through, and keep on hammering away it.

Cancer is such a bugger isn't it.

9 comments:

Pacha said...

You have every right to be impatient about getting rid of the blasted cancer!

But you're right to focus on the positive (tomorrow or later on today or when you feel up to it):it isn't bigger and it isn't anywhere else. Good!

Oh Lisa, I hope you get your life back soon. Give it more time and you will. It must be hard having to slow down so much after being such so active and busy beforehand.

Cal said...

Oh Lisa, that really sucks. No wonder you're down. But one day you'll be able to look back on this and, maybe not smile, but be proud of yourself for getting through it. And you're still an inspiration, even on a bad day. ((((hug))))

Zinnia Cyclamen said...

Cancer is a complete bugger. And I think you did feel like this at the same stage in the last chemo cycle, so maybe it's a case of Post-Chemo Tension (PCT - like PMT only worse). But it WILL change; you ARE getting through it. It's a long and difficult haul, so you have every right to some fed-up days along the way. But as you say, tomorrow will be better.

Lane said...

Today is a bad day and by god you're allowed to scream, moan, swear - do anything. It's a bugger.

Tomorrow hopefully you'll feel a little better. I know it must crap not being able to do the things you want to, but heck your body is going through hell but you're staying positive through the most arduous of times.
Hugs to you my lovely. Stay strong. xx

Carol and Chris said...

Am sending you positive vibes over the either - I hope you are feeling better today!!

C x

Annieye said...

I hope you feel better soon and can get out riding again. (Not on Monday, though - there's going to be some awful weather on Monday apparently). I bought a daffodil the other day and pinned it on my coat. I think of you and my friend Rose every time I put my coat on. Come on, Lisa, you can beat this and write your book.

Debs said...

Cancer is a complete bugger. You're doing so well and it's okay to have a crap day and feel thoroughly fed up. Hopefully tomorrow you'll feel much more positive and will be able to go riding.

Big hugs to you.

clairesgarden said...

that is crap. but we're all here for you to shout about the rubbish days all you like.
I hope you have more days when you're happy waking up to the world and I'm thinking of you.
bless.

maresy said...

we're here for you, through the happy writing , the horse stories, the painting, and even the grumps, and pain days, you deserve to have those too! I want to hear it all, I know you will get through it, you're doing fantastic, take it a day at a time, if that is too long, a minute, an hour, whatever gets you through the day, take care, love ya Marion