Careful what you wish for...

A couple of things to say today...



Firstly, I lied about not the not drinking thing in previous post and got completely rat arsed on New Year's Eve. I don't actually drink very often though, and so was hammered on two minute Laphroaics (or however you write it - single malt and comes in a tube like all good whiskeys). A cheap date says my husband. Anyway, it was positive experience despite the ensuing nausea, and I was all tipsy and numb-lipped as I stuffed the requisite 12 grapes into my mouth in time with Big Ben's bonging. (It was 6 each - I forgot about the grape thing and when I looked at 10 to midnight there were only 14 grapes left in the bowl, two of which weren't really edible - so we split them. I'm hoping it will be doubly lucky due the fact that sharing is a good thing to do!).


Secondly, the little narrative voice in my head has returned. Since all these medical thingybobs, that poor old story-teller was just stunned into silence. My mind became like a theatre of war, all arguing and morose. Horrid thoughts - like being bald, or dying in a hospital bed - have had to be almost physically removed in a game of subterfuge unlike any I've ever known before. And the mind is so sneaky... the bad voices shut up for a while, replaced by thoughts of, "I'm going to beat this, I'm going to live, we caught it early, etc.," but then out of nowhere the nasty voices start whispering again, and before you know it, all the good feelings have gone out the window and you find yourself in tears again.

But anyway, now the old mind is sorting itself out, and is off narrating again, just like normal. So I've opened up the file named 'Chapter Two' and had a look at it. I think given the circumstances, that this is fine progress. No, really. I do. I've even got ideas again - picturing the novel finished, and writing a memoir about fighting, and SURVIVING cancer. I'll write that one when I'm in my 80s though, and stick to novel writing or whatever the hell it is I do until then! I'm reading Russel Brand's autobiography My Booky Wook, and it is wonderful. Truly honest and well written. Hat off to ya, Rus. I keep thinking to myself, come on mate, Russel's finished his book. Sort it out woman!

Thirdly, gotta go see the oncologist in less than an hour for the first time, and am, if truth be told, a tad terrified. I hope s/he is as nice as the lung specialist was, and that s/he is positive. I've been having night/day/morning/afternoon - mares about this appointment. Please let it be good news. I could really use some good news at the moment.

Last but not least, this means that I'll be back at coffee mornings over on Novel Racers blog spot - if they'll still have me. I'm useful I think, because everyone else can look at my progress versus theirs and feel really good about themselves - ha ha! And even when I do get my shit together and finish the novel, it'll still be positive 'cos they can get all inspired and that, a kind of Hesitant finished her novel while having Chemo, so I can do it too! Although no doubt they'll be on the 2nd and 3rd novels by then.

Oh - and the careful what you wish for thing is because it occurred to me, as I was gaining the pounds last year, that what I needed was a proper bout of illness to get the excess off. I even said it to a few people. Hmm. Someone/thing was listening and that someone/thing took me far too literally. So be careful what you wish for!

I am now wishing for my own horse, and quite fancy doing the Duke of Edinburgh on horse back award thingy... I could raise money for cancer research or something. Now there's a bloody good idea!