Wednesday, 20 February 2008

I will I will I will...

It's a full moon! Hurrah! Not that I'd have noticed unless Moondreamer had told me about it!

Thank you Moondreamer!

So - I love a full moon, and tonight is particularly crisp so should get a good view from here. When I lived in Spain I used to move through time, from one full moon to the next, and I'd make a wish. And 9 times out of 10 it came true... so I know what tonight's wish will be. And I bet you know too!

Just popping a piece of Green & Black's Organic Milk Chocolate into my mouth. Loverly! And ethical too.

So, today has been quite good. Still low on energy but able to get out to the shops and buy berries. Tons of berries. Blue, Rasp, Black and Straw. Yum Yum.

Then I came back and started painting, but got tired and never finished it. I was trying to do a Mandala, having been inspired watching a film called Kundun, about the life of the 14th Dalai Lama. Stunning cinema, I have to say, and very moving - a Scorcese job. I thought how lucky I am to have some of his books sitting on my shelf, and how I should re-read them, and I looked up the Tibetan sand paintings that they showed being done so painstakingly (and then erased?! Ah! Transience - you see - nothing lasts.) I found a beautiful website on my travels, filled with the most gorgeous Mandalas for health. You can see them here if you have a chance (choose Mandalas in the centre and follow the gallery - look at those under Health to start with). I am trying to do one, and will let you know how I get on (well, first attempt today is crap, so will share tomorrow's attempt if it's even marginally better!).

A Writerly Note on Journalling and Journals - because this blog is not just about the cancer - ha ha!

On the writing front, the novel is coming on once again. I've not been writing in my private diary as much since blogging, I've realised. The blog has become is a kind of public diary, after all. And I've been anal enough to print out the entries once the comments have settled, so I have record of it now too. But I still journal.

And journalling is crucial to a writer, I believe. I tell my writing students they must keep a journal, and jot down ideas, keep sentences, collect words, snippets, images, whatever comes by. A journal allows you to treasure it all for later use. And like a fine wine, journals can brew and mature over time.

Which is why I spent the morning (in bed waiting for the anti-nausea tabs to kick in) reading over chapter outlines and notes I'd made and long since forgotten about. Little gems lay on the back pages, hidden away. A heading for a story I'd discarded as rubbish at the time, that now, now seems perfect. I also found myself inspired by myself, which is lovely when you feel a project is flagging because it's been so long since it's inception.

My novel is a labour of love, and so it will take time. And that's okay. It is also a work of gratitude, to say thank you to a whole heap of people who first met me when I was very broken in every way possible. It is a thank you, and a thank you of such immense importance, that I couldn't forgive myself if I didn't make this tiny little endeavour to show them all... (When the novel is written you will know what I mean by all of this - I promise).

So this is a note - a promise of completion - to;

The Novel Racers - who I joined last January and still haven't caught up with!
My PhD Supervisors (the poor poor people!) - who WILL get their successful candidate eventually
The NRG - who I WILL be meeting with as soon as I am well enough
My family - who have been waiting for this writer to get cracking since I was 3
And last but not least - ME!

Oh. And I booked a riding lesson tomorrow - jumping no less - so very excited about that too!

Must be the full moon! X


Anonymous said...

Looking back at my own writing makes me cringe. I can't even let anyone look at my shopping list. I find medication makes me less self-conscious... the corollary of this being that you can't always read your own writing. Damn, always a price!

CTaylor said...

Oh! Thanks for reminding me about the moon. Isn't it a total eclipse tonight? Starting at 1.43am and going on until 6am? I MIGHT catch the beginning but not sure I'll catch the red phase at 3am. I accidentally caught the last one and it was ASTONISHING!

Oh (number 2) your comment about your novel and the thanks was lovely, made me feel all warm and fuzzy! And I totally agree about keeping a journal. I ALWAYS carry a notebook with me to scribble down ideas, titles, eavesdropped conversations etc. If I'm ever stuck so a story idea I just need to flick through my notebooks and lo and behold, lots of pages with *story idea* scribbled at the top. Magic! :o)

maresy said...

ey Sweetie, you were never broken, you just didn't have all your ducks in a row, you have certainly been through more than most people would see in 5 lifetimes... but you have never been poor me, you have always rose above the challenge, and everything given to you with grace, and grit. I am proud of you, I think you should give yourself more credit, and give yourself a hug, you deserve it... and this bump in the road it is just one more fork, and if I know you, your wish will come true, I am crossing my fingers, and you will be finished your book!! Great things are yet to come. love you xo

Debs said...

I hope your wish comes true too. I agree that a novel is a labour of love and is something that does take time. Enjoy the riding lesson, I haven't ridden for years now.

harriet said...

So glad you are feeling better! And thanks for the link to the mandalas -- I love them and look forward to seeing yours. Kundun is indeed a great movie.

hesitant scribe said...

petal - that's a shame. I usually find it's much better than I thought at the time of writing. Maybe you should brave a peek or two?

ctaylor - thank Moondreamer! Didn't know it was an eclipse though! No.2 Journals are sooo great aren't they!

maresy - You so sweet! I see where you're coming from but I was most definitely broken back in '95, and no two ways about it - although it was more my faith in humanity that was all bust up, and the people I met helped me to see that people are actually mostly very good and wonderful!

debs - yes... just hoping I can gt through the lesson later. Feeling quite knackered this morning.

harriet - they are so beautiful. I'm worried mine will never live up to them so going to have to give myself a break and not try to be too geometrical! Kundun made me cry!

JJ said...

I love that you look back and find hidden gems in your journal. I write in notebooks not necessarily dedicated to writing, so have to hunt through shopping lists, instructions for the website and stuff... Must learn to do it in a dedicated book!
Enjoy the riding tomorrow.

Annieye said...

I'm so glad you're feeling better. It was cloudy here overnight so didn't get a glimpse of the red moon (although I did get up just after three to have a look).

I hope you enjoyed riding today.

Lane said...

I missed the moon last night but did keep waking up which is unusual for me. Maybe it was trying to tell me something:-)

Glad you got the paints out and you did something for cloud-line. Your positive 'I will's are working in bucket loads.

Hope you enjoyed your ride. Jumping! Cor:-)

hesitant scribe said...

jj - truth be told I have dozens of notebooks all on the go at once, which means I also end up hunting through bucket loads of stuff - but it means that finds are like proper treasure hunting, and you do forget what you wrote so it's all fresh and new again! :)

annieye - i missed the red moon because i managed to sleep through for the first time in ages - trade offs for you!

lane - they do (the I wills) seem to help, and done loads today!

Here some more "I will I will I wills" - for everyone for tomorrow