Sunday, 24 February 2008

Knackered still and little visitors

Saturday was a bit of a wash out I'm afraid, and I've been a grumpy cow all weekend - well most of it - so didn't have anything to say unless through gritted teeth. Oh dear.

I visited the baby horsie, which was lovely, but was so tired afterwards I slept the rest of the day away. (Why?! All I did was drive the car, drink a cup of tea and have a chat for half an hour, stand and look at the horses over the fence, and drive home again.) My friend said she's found the perfect horse for me - but I can't have one till I'm able to look after it myself, and I can't do that until a) I've had surgery or whatever else we're going to have to do to cure me, and b) I've learned enough about horse care and riding to be able to do the job properly and not kill me or horsie! Am working on it though, in a shortie-long-term-plan kind of way. At the moment I'm too tired to look after my socks, let alone a horse...

And that's the thing about chemotherapy... the tiredness. Apparently it's cumulative, so in the coming cycles it will get even worse. They give me steroids for 3 days to combat it, which must be why I'm okay (if we ignore the nausea) until the Friday, and then crash out for the first weekend, only to be wiped again by the following Monday's dose! I am trying to be patient with myself, but am not known for my patience. (Maybe this is one of those lessons I'm meant to be learning... I am a damn sight more patient than I was 6 months ago, I can tell you!)

And it's hard on everyone around you too. They don't want to hear that you're having a crap day, that you feel really shitty, that the pain is driving you nuts, or that you're so exhausted you really can't be bothered putting a front on.

But it doesn't last long, I today that little grey cloud has lifted bit by bit. We got the paints out this afternoon and all had a play. The Big one learned that water-colour is not scary at all, and that she's actually quite good with them, and the Little one learned how to use pastels. Plus Big one has pulled out all the stops and the house is spotless, so at least if I feel like giving in and being miserable, I can do it in a lovely dust free, tidy environment (though it is difficult to be cross when the house is looking so loved!).

I spent an hour de-lousing Little one again and wonder where on earth the blighters keep coming from? Do other parents not do their children's hair every week with a louse comb and conditioner? And if not, why not?!

Also spent a fair bit of the afternoon reviewing stories from various places, and did a bit of work on my own novel (expect that word counter to start moving this week folks!), so all in all, not the end of the world to have a few hours 'down time'.

Well - LOST is on, so gotta love you and leave you!


harriet said...

You are the bravest person I know. I'm learning a lot from your accounts of your own learning process. Well done.

Lane said...

It's not surprising you're tired. Your body is having the crap kicked out of it. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Nits? It should be the law that every child has to have their hair combed with a nit comb once a week. I'm sick of the blighters:-(

Sending positive vibes and strength:-)

hesitant scribe said...

harriet - I don't feel very brave, but thank you all the same! I think I'm just one of those 'open book' people, and whereas as a child it was horrendous, in conjunction with writing, it seems to be quite useful! *relieved sigh*

lane - I know where you're coming from with the nits. Have just invested in a 'nitty gritty' comb and will let you know if it's any good!

And ta for the vibes and strength - will put 'em to good use!